really makes great sense. I guess I'm just still battling with letting my wife validate my happiness. We are both guilty of that I think.
I have soured in R with others as well. My family, friends and coworkers all have suffered from my bitterness and anger. For a while before the bomb dropped I was getting more and more upset with the type of person I had become. I don't know if W will notice the changes but regardless it will be better for me.
It's really difficult to appear like I'm doing well around her. I am trying to stay focused and positive but it's wearing me out.
I think you're starting to get it intellectually, but it takes time for your emotions to catch up. It's that pesky withdrawal from co-dependency. Try to remember and concentrate on who you were before you met your W. Take the best of that person, and work on the rest.
Before the bomb was dropped on me, deep down I was very unhappy with myself, so when the bomb was dropped, a part of me wasn't surprised at all. Terrified, but not surprised.
Detachment and no contact help, because you don't have to have that front up. It is exhausting, and you need your energy to work on yourself. Since you're still living with your W, you have a tough balance to maintain. Try to give yourself breaks from her. I think going to the party alone was a great thing for you to do.
it is very difficult to be around her in the state I'm in. We live in the same house and still sleep in the same bed! I am finding it hard to not slip back into my pursuing ways. I feel like if she really knew what I'm learning and how I am changing she would see that I am making big changes to better myself and our R. I feel like after years of hurting she has chosen to love me less to protect herself and now that she got over the hurdle of making that decision, she doesn't want to loose the confidence and independence she gained by doing so. I don't want her to be less confident at all. If anything her newfound self esteem would do wonders for our R. If she would just open up alittle I think she would seethat we could be great again.
I am 99% sure W parents don't know about our S. They dealt with a brief seperation earlier this year and are back together and seemingly happier than ever. They would probably be very upset and against D if they learned about it. Should I approach maybe my father in law for advice? Or is that seem like manipulation on her part? I almost feel like if they knew they would talk to her and advise her to work on the R. Does that not work because she didn't initiate it? Or could a push in that direction be helpful.
Only if there is OM involved, would I suggest approaching the parents. It "is" manipulation when you go to them hoping they will put pressure on W to work in the R.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Recently, whenever I would tell my W that I loved her, etc, she would sometimes respond with "your lying!" I would get soo angry because I know I do love her and she wouldn't believe me. Only recently, after the bomb, have I started to look at those situations differently. I think in a sense I was lying. After learning about the LL's I know that I never paid attention to how my W recieved love. So of course I was lying. My heart said it over her but my actions didn't back it up. After years of this she can't trust my words (understandably) and now it is near impossible to show her with my actions. I really feel like I should apologize for getting so defensive when in fact she was pretty right on.
How do I approach the apology? I know I am supposed to limit speaking and callng and not bring up R talk but I really feel this would be helpful if she heard it. I think she will say something like "I hope that hels you in the future" and that will sting alittle but I am really focusing on becoming a better man and a better man would admit he was wrong and try and change it, for him if nothing else.
Any vets have advice on how to word this and how to tell her?
"I understand that I did not show you love in ways that you needed and for that I am sorry. But please don't feel that you know what is in my heart, I do love you."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
