I got the kids kittens on Tuesday and my H called me yesterday to tell me that is a sign that I'm done and that he should now file. He is very allergic to cats, and I had told my kids that if daddy ever comes home we will have to get rid of them. He said it just shows him that I don't care about him. And he said getting rid of them, if he does come home, will make him look like the bad guy in front of the kids. That it will be his fault they had to get rid of their cats. I'm dammed if I do and I'm dammed if I don't.
He tried to get into a R talk with me, and I just stayed very calm and validated where I could. Here are a few things he says over and over again. H: I feel betrayed by you H: I don't trust that you have changed your controlling behavior H: I just don't see how it will ever work between us H: I have been miserable for 4 years H: You just want me back so you can control me H: The last couple of years, you've made me feel so unloved H: You were my priority, I should have been yours H: I feel like I died the day you kicked me out H: I can never forgive you for thinking I'm having an A, I'm not and never would, she is just a friend. And if we were ever to get back together, you would hold that over my head for the rest of my life.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I am happy to see you are able to see he is baiting you.
You have argued these points with him a gazillion times. How many times have you told him that his "friendship" is inappropriate and makes you uncomfortable?
How about a one line response for these baits of his. "I am sorry you feel that way." or "I am sorry you still believe that, but I am tired of arguing about that with you." "When you are ready to really discuss and solve these issues, make an appointment for us". IDK...other folks will have better ideas. (Do you still have the counselors card?) Is he still in IC?
Don't let him push your buttons! You have gained so much strength! Dig in those hells and don't let him pull you over your boundary. Maybe you have to go darker for awhile...respond to only emails that pertain to schedules and $.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
WhatNow, I have told him that the friendship makes me uncomfortable and even finally had the chance to tell him in order for there to ever be an us, he would have to have NC with her. He didn't respond when I said that.
I validate almost always with "I am sorry you feel that way". But not with "I am sorry you still believe that..." I'm using that one next time.
I do still have C card and no, he is not going anymore. He told me it was a waste of time and money.
It will be easier to go darker now that I have 2 cats. He said he can never come over to the house because they are here now.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I don't think he even hears you when you say anything that doesn't agree with his rationalizations.
Quote:
He said he can never come over to the house because they are here now.
Well he showed you!
He is talking like my 13 year old! Do you argue with a teenager? No cuz they will hang on even when contradicting themselves. You raise your eyebrows, shrug and look at them sympathetically, and walk away.
ya know, I think he is stating his fears. I had to cure myself from communicating this way. I did it to get someone to say what I wanted to hear. I didn't do it to the extent of your H or others I have seen, but still...... Ever hear a friend say "I am so fat. I need to diet." So what do you say? Oh no, you're not fat. It gets old. If you were to say "I'm sorry you think that" Or feel that or believe that, it would lessen.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Update on my story, sorry this is going to be long.
5/14: We went to dinner with the kids which was nice. H even thanked me for a nice time
5/16: While I was picking up the kids from H apartment, he tells me that his "friend" OW and her 3 kids came over for dinner on Saturday night. I stayed calm and left. But then my daughter informed me that dads "friend" is going boating with him and kids Memorial weekend and a concert with them in July. I called H and told him I was not going to do this anymore and it was time to file the divorce papers.
5/17: H texts: I'm so sorry
I texted: I'm sorry too. Just let me know when the papers are filed
H texts: K I wish I could have been a better husband
H texts: I have spent most of my life loving u. And now I'm lost. I made some mistakes and I am so sorry I hurt u. It's not what I wanted to do. I know you will find a better man.
I emailed him: You were NOT a horrible husband. Up until September, I thought our marriage was ok, and really appreciated the way you treated me. Until then, I had no idea that I was not being the wife that you needed. I never meant to make you feel unloved and rejected. I know the hurt and pain that I caused you the last 4 years is your reason for ending the marriage. My hurt and pain has been from the last 6 months, and mostly has to do with your friendship with Tamryn. In fact that is the reason I asked you to move out on December 3rd, was because of her. I am not blaming her for our martial problems, nor do I think your or her purposely set out to hurt me. But the fact remains that the friendship is hurting me. I realized last night, that she is a very important friend to you and that is not something I can control or even have the right to ask you to give up. With that said, I'm so sorry but I can no longer do this anymore. Up until last night, I had always held onto the hope that someday we would find our way back to each other. I will always care for you and you will always hold a special place in my heart. I do wish you the best, and I hope you find the happiness that you are looking for.
H texts: I am sorry all that came from not trusting me. H texts: That's really sad H texts: With the way u watched me and then instantly accused me of cheating I have believed this whole time u cheated on me
I emailed him: I'm sorry I didn't trust you when this all started. You had never given me a reason to not trust you. I never have cheated on you and I'm sorry for every making you question that. I let my own insecurities take over and started suspecting you of cheating. I think subconsciously I knew that something was wrong with our marriage and that you weren't happy. But I couldn't see the reason why, so I started suspecting another women. When I seen how much you were talking to her, I blew it way out of proportion. In doing that, it made you 2 closer and caused you guys to become such close friends. That is when I became obsessed. You are a good man, and never deserved to be treated that way and for that I'm sorry. However, I can't change the way I feel about the friendship. It hurts me to think of you 2 spending any time together even as friends. As I said before, that is out of my control and you have a right to be friends with who ever you want. I'm not asking you for anything, and I'm not blaming you either. I'm just being honest with why I'm hurting. I don't want to hurt you anymore and I don't want to be hurt either. I never wanted us to end. That is why I finally agree with you that we need to just end it and be the best parents we can be to our kids.
I didn't want to be done, but I don't know what else to do. I can't take the pain anymore and knowing that he is spending on that time with her. He tells me she and one other friend are the only friends he has left. He has known her for 6 months from FB.
NEED ADVICE ASAP:
Just got a text from H: So ur sure u want to file?
How should I respond?
Last edited by mb28; 05/18/1004:28 PM.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
You said everything you needed to say. He is playing with your emotions right now. Leave him be.
If he files, he files.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
H wanted to come over tonight to talk. His first question was: "Are you sure your done and want me to file?"
Me: Are you done, do you want the divorce? H: No, I change my mind every day. I don't know what I want Me: For 6 months you have told me everything that I've done wrong. Some of it I agree with and others I do not. H: I just don't see how it will ever work Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. I can not give you any guarantee that it will work between us, but it's worth trying H: I did try, for 4 years Me: I appreciate that you tried. However, I didn't know that you were unhappy and I was never given the chance to meet you half way H: I just don't want to always rehash these last 6 months. And I know that you will hold this over my head for the rest of our lives. Me: I don't want to rehash all this either that is why we need therapy. We need to learn how to work our these issues so we can move forward. I done not trying anything and I'm done being hurt H: What am I doing that is hurting you? Me: You know, and I don't want to bring that issue up H: She is just a friend Me: It's a friendship I'm uncomfortable with. And there can never be an us if you guys are friends H: See you are trying to control me Me: I'm sorry you feel that, but that is not true. It's your life, your choice not mine. I'm just telling you what I'm willing to accept H: So do you want me to file Me: I never wanted this marriage to end and I don't want a divorce, but I am done not doing nothing. I understand you feel you need time, but your not just going to wake up someday and decide to come home. You need to either make a leap of faith towards our marriage or out of it. It's your choice. H: Maybe we should try therapy then.
I will see my therapist tonight, and he wants me to ask if he'll see both of us next week. I wasn't expecting that, but I'm not trying to get my hopes up either.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Unfortunately, this will be my last post. I found out tonight in therapy that my H has found this site and has read all my posts, printed them out and brought them to therapy. This was supposed to be a therapy session to see if there were ways we could work on fixing our relationship, or so I thought. Instead, he used it to attack me the whole session and to inform me that he will be filing the D papers as soon as he can.
Everyone on here has been a great support system for me during this horrible time in my life. I poured my heart and soul out here and thank you all so much for being here for me. At my lowest times, when I felt no one understood what I was going through, you all did and I will be forever grateful. I love this forum, and felt like it was my own personal diary, but with added bonus of having others that were going through the same thing.
I am in a good place now, and I am ready to move on with my life. Even though I am not one of the success stories for saving my marriage. I feel like I tried everything I could and I will be able to look my children in the eye and say I tried EVERYTHING!!!!!!! They are the biggest losers in this whole mess. My kids deserve to have a whole family that is together and that has been and will be the hardest part.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
You don't have the cajones to confront the truth do you? You got caught with your hand in the cookie jar and is now looking to destroy your W and your kids.
I dare you to post your side of the story. If not, well I guess you can lift up your skirts and go running back into the hole you crawled up from.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
