I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[beingreal]

So much good advice! Thank you all for taking the time to post. I didn't take my computer to work because I knew I'd be here all day. I couldn't wait to see if anyone had posted.

I did okay today, my boss even commented that I looked really nice today. You wouldn't have known that I spent all day in tears yesterday. I kept busy, kept smiling & my mind only wandered a few times. After 12 hours my stomach started to knot up, but I managed.


*****************Phone just rang--it's H. Kids aren't here, so I let the machine get it. He didn't leave a message. The right thing to do, right???? gak!!! ********************************


So much to touch on...

Thanks for the comment about maybe S8 just didn't want to talk right then. I hadn't considered that. No projecting my crap onto them. They are such good boys. I've seen them trying to *protect* me through this, like little men. I need to make it so they don't feel they have to. They need to be able to be children & not act like adults because the adults just can't manage it.

I'm trying to remember that this is his issue & really has nothing to do with me (except for my part in the breakdown of M). I told my father that early in the split--he was very upset with something H did (took everything out of the garage & left a huge mess that took me three hours to clean) and claimed that he had thrown the first stone. He was ready to go to war. I told him that nobody was throwing stones & NOBODY was going to war. H was throwing a temper tantrum. When S2 gets mad and lashes out it's not because of me, even though it might be AT me. Same thing. I don't stop loving S2 during a tantrum.

~~~I think that is the hardest part in all of this, is knowing that it's okay to say I still love him. So many people IRL just want to start a "let's bash H!!" party. Let's not. You bash him, you bash me because my heart is still very much walking around in his body. I don't have to hate him just because other people *hate* their spouses/xspouses. Still loving someone who has gone off the deep end doesn't make me weak. Or stupid. Or delusional.

It just makes me human.~~~ [/emotional blubbering]


Eric--Good question on why I want to change. I really do want to change those things about myself. Not the good aspect of being strong, or knowing how to stand up for myself. That will always serve me well.

I need to work on not hurting people. People who more often than not don't deserve it. I work in an ER and I can tell you that as humans, we are not kind to one another. Not even a little. I see so much pain and death and suffering every freaking day, sometimes you become numb to it. You forget how something so simple as a smile, or looking someone in the eye when you talk to them can make someone's day, especially if their isn't much human contact, much less kindness, in their lives.

I write a column for our local paper, I take a much different approach than most of the other columnists there. Some take the opportunity to shove their views on *whatever* in people's faces. Some thrive on stirring controversy, thinking that getting people all worked up is the same as fostering open dialogue. I know better. I think there is a common thread among us, something in each of us that makes us part of the same tribe. I think if you can find that thread, that shred of humanity that survives in everyone--even if it's buried under years of bitterness and heartache--if you can find that thread and give it a little tug, you just might be able to pull people together on *some* level. That someone, somewhere, in that instant will feel a little less alone.

And if we feel less alone, then maybe we'll stop being so damn mean to one another. Life is short, and fragile, and I don't want to waste anymore of it being bitchy, or controlling, or snarky . So I need to change.

If I had applied a little of that philosophy to my M, maybe we wouldn't have gotten so far down this path.

Or maybe we would have. I will never know. What I can do now, after reading so much here (with months worth of material ahead of me), is treat H with the same compassion and empathy that I impart to total strangers.

And then treat myself with that same compassion and empathy.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I actually got to put DBing into action today...at work. (!!!)

I got called back to ER at the end of my shift, so as I was going to the call, my coworker motioned that she wanted *something* from me. Very obtuse, I had no idea what she was talking about. She blurted it out, rolled her eyes & made some crass comment. I went to the ER, but instead of thinking "B!tch, wth is her problem?" I stopped myself, thought, "Wow. Well she just got here, I've not had a chance to really tick her off, so I'm going to guess that whatever has her all bent out of shape has nothing to do with me. Ignore & disengage."

I swear to God, I honestly thought all of that. By the time I got back to the department she was fine, smiling, and asked me about the necklace I was wearing.

"Wow. This really does work."


I know it's just a coworker, but I think I'm going to practice on them for awhile since I will have next to no contact with H.


I'm off to read a bit more. I sense the lightbulb starting to flicker on. Need. More. Info.