Ken, I post this article often, but I will post it again because of its quality - its worth posting a million tims until everyone gets it
----------------------------- Love As An Excuse For Infidelity Penny R. Tupy 2003
So often in my work with spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair I hear the anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. Soulmates - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.
But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families.
The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous. As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.
The interesting thing about new infatuation/love is that we are blinded by the offensive or objectionable things at first. I think the pleasure of having needs met by someone new captures our attention to the point that we block out the less desirable traits. But like any addiction, what worked at first to create a high soon becomes not enough - we want more. When that happens in romantic relationships the irritating things seem to grow in proportion as the pleasure from getting needs met slackens. Unless real change takes place at this time - unless the real work of building a relationship kicks in - romantic love will wane.
This is when the instinct to demand more, to be rude or even to lose our tempers takes over. This is when the internal shift from, "You are so wonderful, what can I do for you," to "You aren't doing enough for me and I'm not willing to do anything for you - you jerk," occurs. This is where real marriage happens, when we move from - feeling like it- to making the commitment to doing what it takes to craft a truly connected and compatible relationship. This is where real love is grown.
For those, who have never honored commitment when the going got tough this is where they begin to bail. So, yes, I am sure that affair partners are in love. Does that mean it's the right place for them or that they have met 'the one'? Of course not. It means that they are in the habit of going for the feeling rather than committing to doing the work of making a truly successful relationship. Unless something greatly changes for these men and women, they will do the same again, and again. They will not find lasting happiness until they get it that marriage is more than feeling. Being in love is important, but staying there is what separates the men from the boys.
Be an advocate for marriage. When you hear of infidelity, take a stand. Refuse to condone affairs and "friendships" that threaten the integrity of the marriage bond. Educate your friends and families on the seriousness of becoming involved outside the marriage. Love is not an excuse for betrayal and abandonment. Love based on that foundation is like a house built on sand.
Where are we getting these WAS(s) from? It seems like they all come from the same place, because they all implore similar forms of logic.
It's a big farm down the road. They breed them from a huge mother alien that grows and grows and grows until it pops, and then they all slither out and make their merry way over to Walkaway School where they take lessons in deceit, script, infidelity, denial and such like before graduation when they're released to find us poor unsuspecting souls!
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
Where are we getting these WAS(s) from? It seems like they all come from the same place, because they all implore similar forms of logic.
It's a big farm down the road. They breed them from a huge mother alien that grows and grows and grows until it pops, and then they all slither out and make their merry way over to Walkaway School where they take lessons in deceit, script, infidelity, denial and such like before graduation when they're released to find us poor unsuspecting souls!
Allen, thanks so much for spelling it out for me so clearly and also for posting that article. I needed that.
You put it in simple terms that are easy to understand. Now I see that I should be constantly pushing towards both RECONCILIATION and SEPARATION, having her make a decision for one or the other and not to allow room for the third option, the open marriage option.
I'm planning to get my protection phase letter ready for her now, because I think she's about to move into an apartment. I sure hope reality kicks in soon for her after she leaves.
Her sister, who suffers depression, left her husband about a year ago and he pursued for a short time, then went into NC after reading about what to do, and unfortunately she never gave him a chance, never called or anything. And now she is serving him D papers. I don't think an affair was involved in their case, at least not at the beginning. There situation makes me very nervous b/c after all, she is my wife's sister and they think in similar ways.
On a more positive note, my wife did pick up the book that I left for her, "The Case Against Divorce" and read it for awhile before bed. I also noticed she tried to do a background check on the OM using the internet.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
When I get home, I'll probably ask her, "So did you find an apartment yet?" like I did yesterday. Other than that, I've been just basically leaving her alone and spending time with the kids.
I have a feeling some here would advocate that I go ahead and pack her bags and set them out. But for some reason, I can't bring myself to do that. It just seems so much like it would hurt my sitch rather than help it.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I wouldn't ask her if she found an apartment. I would get her TWO THINGS :
1. A newspaper with the rentals section in it opened up for her 2. A family therapist business card tucked into a book on marriage and commitment... Or some other suitable book
THAT reinforces both those points above.
Don't talk to her, just act. You should collect a lot of articles that explain how destructive divorce is to children... with an eye catching title.. print them up and leave them on your desk...
She may read the book, she may not... articles are often more inviting since they don't look nearly as intimidating...
Maybe even print up Penny Tuppy's article here in notepad (don't print from this site, copy and paste into notepad) and leave it on your desk highlighting the points YOU want HER to hear...
Don't give her the article or even mention it, just leave it on your desk in plain sight.
