Altering My Life by Altering My Attitude of Mind

[KutieKat]

holdingon - gosh, you may be right with it being a little bit better than limbo, i have to remember to focus on the actually things that are happening

karen - thank you for stopping by my thread and for the kudos, they are always welcomed.

t2 - gosh girl, i sense a shift in you, at peace and it gives me so much comfort to see this. you are so strong and have put up with SO MUCH and now, you are experiencing this piece - thank you for seeing the positives in my sitch - thank you for being you

deb - i know you are dealing with some pretty horrific stuff as of the last two days, and i feel horrible that i haven't been around to help you thru this, but you have a BOARD full of people with good advice. right now, all i can offer you is HUGS {{{{{ }}}}}

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POSITIVES

1) hubby called about 6 times yesterday

2) i made cookies for the family and hubby really really enjoyed them. this is a total 180 for me, i don't bake well but i have been trying lately to always have homemade cookies around for him and the kids - my next thing is a sour cream pound cake, his favorite and it's his mom's recipe

3) i have back problems again and was basically in bed all morning after taking the boys to school. he got up and checked on me (was laying with daughter to watch tv so as not to disturb him) and then he actually came to ME to give me a hug when he left for work

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we are still very much financially drained. he had a pretty decent day yesterday but after two weeks of hardly any work this barely catches us up.

there is tension in the house, he seems to want to keep to his studio, not interacting even with the kids. i am giving him his space, just periodically asking him if he needs anything and then basically just leaving him alone.

after part of our conversation just before i left a few weeks ago he came out with he felt like such a failure. i hate that he feels this way and have been giving him "words of affirmation" to let him know that i am ok - i have told him, i have a home and i have food to eat, what more do i need? that seems to help, but i don't think it's good enough

is there anything you folks can think of that might be able to bring his spirits up? you folks are always chalked full of ideas and i just want him to know that he is NOT a failure whatsoever

thanks, kitti

[KAW]

Hope you're on the mends and feelin' better today.

things are still in limbo, but where would i be if i wasn't doing this and living here? that keeps me here, cause the alternative is not acceptable

I like the way holdingon put and I very much agree ... you are a bit on the other side of limbo. I know you feel uncertain about it but for re-enforcement, reread you the postives of your last couple of posts.

In there you'll see that your H is putting a galant effort into trying to make each day better than the last. He's DBing his butt off! ... and you're doing exactly what you should be for now ... letting go of the rope, let him run with it and catch him when he is doing it right.

Am I correct in taking what you mean about being in limbo is in reference to how you feel within? That you feel apprehensive that the positives will continue to come? That your H will not keep with the momentum he has created & how far is he going to run with it? These are common doubts to have and (aww ... here we go again and I hate to say it) its gonna be as time passes that you begin to sense that with the rewards that come about from each day's baby steps, the momentum will carry on working at making each day better.

'til later,
KAW

[KAW]

Back again ... looks like I held onto that post a little to long and you beat me this morning.

Kitti, how about just some good ole fashion family time every other evening or whenever it works for you. A half hour to an hour put aside just to play a board or card game or something with the kids. The point is to put the focus on spending some enjoyable time with the kids and forget about the trouble for a little piece of each day. He may still spend some of his time then in his studio, but you're giving him another option where for a time he can forget about everything else in the world and enjoy being with family.

'til later,
KAW

P.S. You could even do a family bake off ... who makes the best cookies. Last week D10 & I had a grand ole time baking muffins. Got a few smiles from CAW too.

[KutieKat]

kaw

first off, thank you for visiting my thread, you are a remarkable man. with all the pain you are experiencing in your own sitch you still find the time and the compassion to comfort others

Am I correct in taking what you mean about being in limbo is in reference to how you feel within?

actually, the limbo that i feel is the lack of affection. altho i am feeling much less anxious about the lack of "sex" then i did a short 3 weeks ago, it still is an issue. it still is a sore spot because i still feel that without that first "act" after the bomb, there can really be no healing of the r - so in essense, even tho i KNOW i am doing the right thing by staying, we really are only "roommates"

but i do have to always remember - this saturday (22nd) only marks the 6th month of this he// and so i must be patient cause so much can change in a relatively short period of time

does that make better sense to my "limbo" comment?

and thanks for the ideas about family fun. i have to get that going because the kids really don't deserve to be left out of things - even if daddy doesn't wanna do stuff right now

thanks kaw

kitti

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

Hey KK,

You said:

actually, the limbo that i feel is the lack of affection. altho i am feeling much less anxious about the lack of "sex" then i did a short 3 weeks ago, it still is an issue. it still is a sore spot because i still feel that without that first "act" after the bomb, there can really be no healing of the r - so in essense, even tho i KNOW i am doing the right thing by staying, we really are only "roommates"

I can so relate to this. I waited with baited breath for him to be ready...and then when he was I chickened out!! Laugh.

Have you tried just touching him every now and then? Like a skittish cat, get him used to your gentle touches so that the feel of your hand on his arm doesn't send him running. That way he doesn't think you equate simple touches with all out sex? Or have you already been doing that?

Hugs!

[KutieKat]

I can so relate to this. I waited with baited breath for him to be ready...and then when he was I chickened out!! Laugh.

you know, i have actually had dreams about this! LOL

as far as the touching thing, yes, pnb, definitely i have touched him, many times, he is not taken back by my touch - whenever i visit him in his studio i make sure i rub his arm, or give him a mini neck rub - we still sleep together and occasionally our feet will touch

i guess these are good signs.

thanks for stopping by my thread pnb (why do i type pnb? it should be pib - but that just doesn't look right for some reason!!!)

kitti

[KutieKat]

i have decided to start writing little emails to hubby - and to journal will be posting them here. checked it out with a fellow db'r before sending to make sure it didn't sound too pursuing, and keep in mind i am sending these with absolutely NO expectation of getting anything in return, just wanting him to know how i feel

we used to be very mushy with letters to each other, would like to get that way again...

h

in doing the dishes this morning and glancing outside at how utterly miserable it is, i had to take the time to write you a note

you are out there, doing the best you can to make a living for this family, and that is awesome - i thank you for it.

i also got to thinking how wonderful it would be to have your chili on a day like today. i think back to how many times you made chili on days like this and how it made me feel when you made it - all warm and toasty - and i used to (still am) be so amazed that a "guy" could cook like you do.

since i can't have your chili i also want to thank you for being so supportive over the past year in regards to my weight loss, being so accomodating in the way that you and the kids have eaten to make sure that i stay on plan. forsaking some of your favorite things because you worry that it would be too TEMPTING for me.

i have so neglected to be appreciative of the little things that are good in my life, something that i am working to change. so i had to let you know, that i am truly grateful.

kitti

[NoLongerHere]

This is great Kitti -

My C told me that yesterday was "National Friendship Day" -

My (typical Bill) response was: "According to who?"

Anyway, C told me that she has sent emails to her close friends telling her how much she appreciated their friendship, and I might think of sending an email to W.

I think I might try this - W actually gets frustrated with the volume of email she gets and usually just deletes "non-business" stuff, so I've stopped sending stuff like "CHeck out this article!" - but I might try this on a regular basis and see what happens. Have experimented in the past with more intimate emails but really didn't work for us... timing was wrong too... anyway -

Good stuff Kitti!

- Bill

[MAL]

kitti,
Thanks for stopping by my thread today.

I like the email. It sounds so genuine. I especially like that it is short. I've learned that men get overwhelmed with the long stuff - not trying to stereotype or offend anyone by saying that. Just thoughts from my 39 years on this earth. Obviously, my comment is also an indication that I still don't know how to do it right! Do they have medication for babbling? LOL.

[imalright]

{{{{KITTI}}}}

When you feel low about your H and you not being intimate, I think of my sitch where I don't even have my H home, nor has he said ILY or touched me intimately. Jeesh! I have a long way to go! Be thankful your H is in your life and at home we you can be a family. I know it would make you feel better if you were intimate, but remember he has issues to deal with!

Deb