even with the d. he said "oh i can see the gears turning in your head. you just want to win." excuse me? i didn't know we were playing a game. this is a divorce!
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Because it would let you down if he said he wasn't ready. Hurting people say hurtful things.
coach, i'm not directing this at you or anything but i want you to know that i'm envisioning my h saying this as a reason for his behaviour and this is how i would respond to my h if he gave me such answers. just to give you an idea how i fight back.
how do you know it would let me down? again, pinning this on me when you don't know that this is going to be my reaction. you are assuming i would react that way. it's like saying i think you're going to cheat on me so we might as well divorce now. nobody has cheated on anybody but you're making this crap up to justify your actions.
hurting people say hurtful things? i was really hurt when you said you didn't think i could handle motherhood. and when your parents felt hurt by my demeanor, you only saw their hurt. you saw my "hurtful" behaviour as me being mean - and not because i was hurt. you still won't acknowledge that i was hurt by your words. you don't think i'm hurt at all by this whole fiasco that YOU asked for. when you hurl hurtful words at me, i have to acknowledge that you're hurting? pleez. it's like you're saying it's a valid it excuse when it comes to YOUR feelings. but it's not a valid excuse to justify my feelings.
that's right. i don't matter in our relationship. it was always you and your parents. those were the only people who mattered. what was i? the housekeeper/booty call/executive assistant? you are friggin' lucky i am not taking you for all your worth. i'm not about material things. the only thing of value in our home was our m/my h. i would fight for that but i wouldn't fight for the furniture. they mean nothing to me.
you thought i was going to be like estelle (background info: estelle was vindictive in her d. she took for the sake of taking and out of spite.) and in the end, you became estelle. you took for the sake of taking. splitting the salt and pepper shakers, splitting up the bed sheet set. it was just plain petty. you did it because you thought i was going to be that. i didn't even go there. i wasn't the vindictive person you painted me to be. i watched you become this completely different person consumed by greed. your family wanted me to pay them back for their contribution to our wedding. ain't it funny how you called me a gold digger?
your father squandered your money on bad investments and left you in the hole. i helped you minimize your losses. before you met me, you were in debt. after we got married, we were debt free. but i'm the gold digger, right?
to say i'm hurt is an understatement. but this isn't about me being hurt. all along my feelings didn't matter. it didn't matter how hurt i was. it was about me being so mean and hurtful that you couldn't stand to be with me anymore. that i was the source of all the negativity in your life. (and coach, what did you say was feeding all that negative emotion? the co-dependency with his parents?)
<end rant> coach, i'm sorry i got off on a tangent. the reason why the weight keeps coming off is because this eats away at me every single day. i have never said any of this to h. there was never the right time or place to say it. i don't even know if what i'm saying is clear or will get through to him.
i could have become the vindictive LBS/dumpee but i didn't. this same strength that prevented me from crossing that line, kept me from being mean to my inlaws. people say nasty things to their inlaws but i don't. i didn't get snarky with them. there was still a level of respect that i displayed - that's the Good Girl i always was and still am.
this divorce wasn't going to turn me into a nasty person. i am determined to stay true to myself. i don't want to look back and say "what was i thinking? man, i was stupid to fight for this or i regret saying that." i want to look back and say that i kept my composure when faced with adversity.
i don't think i'm "holy-er than thou". but i want to be the best person i can be at all times. even when i've fallen down, with both knees and ankles broken, and struggling to stand up again. i want God to look at me and be proud of who i am because i matter to Him.
