I would hate to think that your are making quick decisions based off an assumption. All I am asking you to do is make sure this is true and accurate.
I found a chat conversation in her email -- she changed all of her passwords so I couldn't snoop, but she left it open last night! -- that mentions, in somewhat indirect language, that they are either having phone sex or "sexting", I'm not sure which. I saved a copy of the email.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
As for moving out of the hosue, bah. I am one of the ones that thinks the b*tch or d*ck should be the one to vacate.
The thing is, neither of us can afford to live in that house on a single income; we will probably have to sell, assuming we do not default and it goes into foreclosure. I'm still on the deed and will finish some of the home repair projects to get it ready for sale, but it's better that she is stuck in that house by herself for awhile. (Frankly, the last two times that I left for a couple of days, it freaked her out.)
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
so sorry to hear you're going through this trent. you have been a rock to so many of us here (you're the one who brought me over)...so know we are still here for you now.
Quote:
At this point I'm not sure if this is an MLC, depression or just plain WAS behavior. Either way, it hurts too much to be around a woman that I love but cannot be in love with,
seriously. what is up with these spouses?!
also, take into consideration what J3B is saying...not to say you're not valid in hurting and wanting...but just make sure you'll feel right about your decision tomorrow. i know how it can get so emotional when you're in the thick of something.
Things were getting better and if I am not mistaken...this is her crossing a boundary...an ultimatium?
What are you going to do, keep taking her back if she gets scared enough?
Don't get me wrong, if that's how you roll, then roll with it baby...but maybe next time... absolute transparency, no f-ing passwords or accounts you do not know about, and let her know that if she isn't cool with you verifying she can be trusted, then she shoudldn't be trusted.
Boo F-ing Hoo and $3.00 will get you a small coffee at starbucks...to her man...not you Trent...pissed at her.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 05/13/1009:05 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Does she still sit around and play that stupid game?
Maybe time for you to get tough and cut her off.
Did you ever do much searching for work near where you live?
There are lots of high tech companies in Beaverton, Tigard, Hillsboro, Wilsonville and Tualatin, but I dont know if there are many job openings.
A long time ago, I lived on the east side of Portland and commuted to Tualatin - it sucked so I specifically searched and bought a house in the Tigard/Tualatin area. Have you considered moving to be close to where you work?
Things were getting better and if I am not mistaken...this is her crossing a boundary...an ultimatium?
What are you going to do, keep taking her back if she gets scared enough?
Not this time. I don't move back until there is real commitment, demonstrated through action, that she wants to work on this and he's out of the picture for good -- transparency, the whole nine yards.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Don't get me wrong, if that's how you roll, then roll with it baby...but maybe next time... absolute transparency, no f-ing passwords or accounts you do not know about, and let her know that if she isn't cool with you verifying she can be trusted, then she shoudldn't be trusted.
Exactly. I took it on the chin and trusted without transparency or verification, and here we are.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Boo F-ing Hoo and $3.00 will get you a small coffee at starbucks...to her man...not you Trent...pissed at her.
I'm pissed but also I feel sorry for her; sorry that she is willing to toss away everything she claims to stand for to pursue a relationship that odds say will not work out.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
She works but she makes slightly less than I do. Neither of us have the income to keep the house without getting a roommate.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
Did you ever do much searching for work near where you live?
There's not a lot, sadly. I do have one resume I'm hoping to hear back from -- the company takes a long time to hire -- but I've also been sharpening some of my web programming and QA skills to broaden my appeal.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
A long time ago, I lived on the east side of Portland and commuted to Tualatin - it sucked so I specifically searched and bought a house in the Tigard/Tualatin area. Have you considered moving to be close to where you work?
I will be doing so. I have a friend I can rent a room from for a month or two while I try to find a place that's close enough where I hopefully will not have to drive.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
so sorry to hear you're going through this trent. you have been a rock to so many of us here (you're the one who brought me over)...so know we are still here for you now.
Thanks.
Originally Posted By: pandora
also, take into consideration what J3B is saying...not to say you're not valid in hurting and wanting...but just make sure you'll feel right about your decision tomorrow. i know how it can get so emotional when you're in the thick of something.
I don't have to make it about the OM; I can make it about the fact that I don't want to be stuck waiting for her to figure things out any more.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
So sorry to to see that things have changed dramatically in your sitch...Pandora said it! You have helped a lot of people on these boards...no matter what the outcome is to your sitch, you will be fine!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Just caught up on your sitch. I'm sorry for the recent development.
I'm in a similar sitch you are further along down the road but it sounds like she is cycling back.
The toughest thing for me to keep in mind is this is their journey. It may have been too soon for her to come back into this.
Lost for words said this to me: You can try to force behaviors and they may comply or come back but it's like a dog they will stop look at you and listen and then they are off again. Actually a dog is better than an MLCer!
I know you know this but it is what I am currently dealing with too. We just have to recognize the boundaries we need for ourselves, enforce them, and detach with love.
I have not experienced what you have with her coming back and then cycling out again. That must more difficult than the original detachment process. DAMN!
But at least you know, even the hard way, what doesn't work.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
