Looking for help with WAW

[DaddyLongShanks]

I don't believe a woman has to be a WAW in order to prefer not to be smothered by her H. Many women have a natural desire to have some "alone time" without the H breathing down her neck. If that woman does become a WAW later on in the M, then I think the smothering issue is increased. But my point is that she doesn't "have" to be a WAW in order to prefer her H not smother her.

The right amount of attention from the S is very nice, but when it reaches the point of smothering.....that is not healthy in the man or the woman.

That point of "smothering" is way lower for a WAW than a spouse. Thats what I was saying. A WAW may feel smothered to be next to or close to you for a few minutes, where a spouse would not have a hard time finding 30 minutes in a day to be close to you.

Also a WAW will usually be actively pulling away if you get close to them since they associate that with their OM/OW.

[sandi2]

Sandi2, please look up "ladder theory" on google.

I read that piece of filthy trash and I feel very insulted that you would even suggest it to me. I don't know if you think all women fall into the category of "intellectual whores" or "the average female bitch", but it tells me something about how you must think about us.

[DaddyLongShanks]

sandi2,

No, I wasn't looking at the terminology used. I was looking at the system which is subconscious. I definately don't think all women fall in those categories. Some women make excellent partners and others do not, just like men. I believe most of the generalities exist for men as the same as for women.

Once I thought of this system, and how some of us LBH/LBW's are on less than a "friends ladder" with our own spouse. Its very hard to move up and very hard to get a perception change.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

MZA8

How are things going?
Still NC?

I am no longer in limbo. I have no chance at R now.

Meeting on Monday cleared everything up. I am feeling great now b/c now I know which direction in life to persue.

I have no regrets and there are brighter days ahead.

I am still here helping others, but not as often as I was before.
Still GALing and it feels great.

[mza8]

Hi Gr8, thanks for checking in. I've been following your thread. Sorry that your meeting did not go as you had hoped. I wish you luck with whatever happens in the future. You never know, maybe your W will have a change of heart.

Yes, I've been NC with my W until today when I replied to one of her emails. She emailed me twice this week. She emailed on Monday to ask if I received our electric bill. I did not reply until today. She didn't need to ask me about the bill. She could have called the electric company and gotten the current bill and paid it without contacting me. The bill wasn't due unitl the end of the month so I felt no rush to contact her about it this week.

She emailed me again today. Today she asked if our gym contacted me, as our joint membership expires next week. The gym contacted her and she wanted to make sure I knew about the membership expiring. So today I emailed her back and thanked her for letting me know. I asked her what she wanted to do and if she wanted to split the cost to renew the membership to save us both some money. I also informed her that I left the electric bill and her mail at the house for her to pick up (the house is vacant as neither one of us are living there now).

She emailed me back a few hours later and said "no problem" for informing me about the gym membership. She thanked me and said she appreciated my idea of splitting the cost but she thought she was going to do her own gym membership. No big surprise there. She said she will stop by the house to get the electric bill and pay it.

She also mentioned the house and said we had a showing the other day. I already knew about the showing because our agent emailed my W and I to inform us. Why would my W bother to mention this? My W had emailed our agent on Tuesday for a house update and didn't copy me on the email. Our agent did copy me on her reply email to my W. With the market being slow we haven't had much activity on the house. I think my W might be starting to realize that selling the house isn't going to be as fast and easy as she thought. My W emailed the agent from her new email account with her maiden name. W emails me from her email with her (my) married name. Who cares really? I haven't given my W updates with the house because, honestly, there hasn't been much to report. I also am tired of making things easy for my W and shielding her like I have for the past several years from the difficult stuff. She wants to end this M so, in my opinion, she should have to take care of this stuff on her own. I don't even do any more work on the house except for mowing the grass.

After she talked about the house update today she asked me if the slow market conditions were a trend at my real estate office? (I'm also an realtor). Why would she ask me for information about the current market?

I don't have a clue anymore. A week ago she thanks me for sending her birthday flowers but comments that the one set of flowers made her uncomfortable. Then 5 days later she eamils me about an electric bill that she could have taken care of on her own. Then today she emails about our joint gym membership expiring next week and asks me about the house. Why would she email me about the gym membership if she knew she wasn't going to split the cost? Why ask me about the real estate conditions? Again, she doesn't need me for this, she can ask our agent. Her last few emails have been one or two sentences. Her reply email tonight was longer. Maybe I spooked her from the flowers and she's slowly and cautiously communicating again? Don't understand her asking me for things? Is she testing me? I'll be honest, it did disappoint me that she doesn't want to split the cost of the gym membership but there are worse things I guess. When she emailed me to inform me about the gym, she knew I would ask her if she wanted to split the cost. I felt like she set me up so she could let me down again. I won't let it bother me though. I'm sure she will be expecting me to ask her again about the membership but I won't. Doesn't make sense to me though that we both could have paid half for the renewal. I didn't put any strings attached to it although I'm sure she would have thought I would have read something into it.

Anyway, I haven't contacted her, she has been emailing me although I don't think it's been anything of substance. Should I reply to her real estate question? I feel like if I don't she will take that as I'm upset about her getting her own gym membership. Again, I'm not sure if this is a test by her to see how I will respond...get all pouty or show that I'm strong and it doesn't bother me?

Anyone have any thoughts?

[Glimmerman]

I just wanted to say I think you are doing the right thing by coming on here to vent your frustrations. It's a good place to do that.

I don't know if the specific things your W is doing now are tests or not, but if you are tested, your W knows what buttons to push to do that.

If you do respond to her e-mail about the market conditions, you can still make it to where you can get a gauge on her. Obviously it's easier to gauge someone in person, but if you responded something like this....

"Some neighborhoods are doing OK, others not so much. How are you feeling about where we are with the house?"

Or, if you choose not to respond at all, that's fine too. My thought is if you do respond, turn it into a question.

[twolf]

sandi i need help

[gr8 day 2B alive]

mza8,
I wouldn't read into her actions about the house. You already know that she wants to sell it. She is anxious about it because it is what she needs.

As for the emails about the electric and gym mebership, she could have contact the electric company but it was much easier for her to ask you. The gym membership is telling me she want to do things own her own and have no ties to you, but don't worry about that.

Keep up the NC and short contacts with her.

It is hard but neccessary.

[mza8]

GM, I like your suggestion to take this opportunity to ask her the question about how she feels about where we are with the house. I would like to know what she is thinking. I think I remember Coach saying to ask them questions like this about how they feel.

Last night I talked to someone that works at the gym about renewing my membership. I explained that my W and I are separated and we need to renew either jointly or individually. In yesterday's email my W told me that she appreciated my offer to split the costs but thought she was going to do her own membership. Well, she lied to me. The person at the gym told me that my W already renewed her membership as an individual membership a couple days ago. Unbelievable, my W can't even be honest with me about something as insignificant as teling me she already renwed on her own.

The guy at the gym told me that my W renewed under her married name (I think she has to legally until D) and listed her parent's address as her home address. At least that's something. She's still living at her parent's house. I'm not sure why she hasn't gone out and gotten her own apartment yet? She has the money. Don't know if she's waiting until the house sells or maybe were are D? I know she was gung ho on getting an apartment two months ago but she has since backed off of that. Don't know if she is waiting to see what happens with us or not?

Membership guy at the gym told me that my W is paying a lot more money to renew than I will pay because I get a discount because of where I work (she doesn't get the discount). The gym guy offered to do a pretty cool thing. I told him that I'm sure my W wants to feel independent now but it's too bad she won't let me help her save some money. He offered to give us a reduced membership (which is really the joint membership fee) and allow us to renew as individual memberships. That was pretty nice of him. Funny now because everyone I tell about my W and I gives me the same advice...be patient, give her space. He told me the same.

So I'm not sure what to do here. Should I email my W and tell her the nice offer this guy made and we can save money and still have individual memberships or should I do nothing? I will also renew no matter what she decides. Should I also tell her that the guy told me she already renewed? I feel like I need to start calling her out when she is dishonest with me. I can phrase it so as not to come across as pointing fingers...just be matter of fact about it. The guy told me that even though she renewed and paid in full a couple days ago that he would still make this deal if she wants to save some money.

Thoughts? I want to remain NC because I think that's still the best thing to do right now. I still don't see many positive signs from W at all.

[mza8]

Thanks Gr8. I know she wants to sell it and I wasn't thinking she was changing her mind. I just don't understand why she would ask me a question that requires my opinion? If I was the one who wanted to D, I wouldn't look for a reason to contact spouse or ask them anything. I would want to avoid them. Why ask them a question which requires their reply? You know what I mean? She's asking me for a response. Why?

Here's what I was thinking about emailing to my W.

W, I understand and respect your decision to do your own membership. I talked to the guy at the gym last night and he offered us the joint membership rate and would allow us to renew as individual members. He mentioned that you renewed your membership a couple days ago. He said if you want to renew at the lower rate he would still make that happen. This would save us both a couple hundred dollars and you would still have your individual membership.

Right now the housing market is seeing some ups and downs depending on the location. It's not unusual for things to slow down during the porcess of selling the house. What do you think about the job our agent is doing for us? Do you think there is anything else she could be doing? How do you feel about where we are with the house?

mza8

It's short and to the point. What do you think? Anyone? Good? Bad? Make any changes? Send it? Don't send it? Thoughts are appreciated.