OK today I had another blow up. But this time, I kept it under control. Googling her name I found out she did a series of interviews about sport related mrtkng for a marketing net magazine.It's funny because the only she knew about that was what she learnt from H and during her R with him. One of the interviews was with one of H's colleagues. So I assumed H knew about it and wouldnt surprise me if she had asked for his help. He insisted he had no idea and has had NC with her for months.
I started talking. I kept it under control. Tried not to accuse much and asked a few questions.
What I got was :the only reason he still uses "trying" whicxh bothers me is because he feels I am trying while he is 1000% confident that he wants me. I stressed how importat it is to me to feel that he committed and by choice he considers me his life partner. He said that goes iwthout saying in his mind.
He said what happened wont ever happen again and has no problem promising that to me. I told him we need to focus on HOW to make sure it wont happen again. I dont want promises.
I told him for the first time so clear, my self esteem in relation to him suffers and it has to do with sex, being his second choice, abandoned, compared with, lied to with no scruples etc etc. He said I am his no 1 choice and he knows why I feel this way, but it aint the truth.
I told him the only reason we are "here" now is because I"didnt give up", because I didnt give up on "our dream". I would like to hear at some point his thoughts on everything. He said he knows and that means a lot to him.
I told him it feels wrong to only know things from her, her emails. I need his perspective. He was silent.
We agreed we are throwing away her gifts this weekend.
He said he has noticed that I get like this every 10 days.
I admitted him leaving for 45 days makes me nervous.
He said, he told the girl that emailed him teh other day late at night, that similar emails/contact are not proper. That was in reply to my question if he is aware we both need to set boundaries to people outside our M.
