Future, I got the e-mail from my XH yesterday asking for another chance. I was pretty sure it would happen sooner or later. Here's how I replied. "I've been thinking about how to reply to your question. I don't know what the future will hold and think that people can change and evolve over time. But right now I want to be with someone who can take care of me and who is in a place within himself that feels safe to me. Right now, I couldn't trust you to be that person and think it would be a long time before those feelings might change."
Our divorce is final, so this is easier--but Future, don't jump back into something. If over time, she shows consistent behavior that is focused on YOU, then that's another story. But this custody thing shows that she is still very erratic inside and that could be a very bad ride for you. You would end up right back where you started, I fear.
Great advice, MG. When in doubt, Future, (or simply when caught off-guard), some sort of this "Gee, I'm just not sure anymore" response is always good.
Finally getting a chance to post. Work has been nuts!
I think your response to your H was excellent. When I hear you say your D is final, part of me is jealous. I really should have just gotten it done last year when my W was motivated to do so. I'd be happier now, and even if I wanted to reconcile, I think it would be easier with a settled D agreement, rather than this legal limbo we live in. Now I feel like if I push the D, then I'm the bad guy.
I'm trying not to jump into anything, but W and I did spend quite a bit of time together over the weekend. She shared her time with the kids with me, and I shared my time with her. I did it just to see what it felt like. It felt ok, but I was surprised how well my detachment held up. By the end of the weekend I was feeling a little re-attached, and also like I was being reckless and foolish.
As time has gone by, my W has dropped her resentment, anger, and much of her distance. She does seem like she has done a lot of self reflection and worked on herself, and she seems to have genuine love and affection for me. I have gone from co-dependent, needy, and wounded, to stronger, healthier, and better than I've ever been. I do have protective walls up toward my W to keep myself safe. We might have the ingredients for a reconciliation, but... her A sits as a giant mountain between us. It has cut an enormous gaping wound into our M, a wound that very well might be fatal. How could we ever get past it? Can she ever forget the fantasy of her A with OM? Can I ever believe she is committed to me and our M? It seems impossible, and so here we are.
Puppy, I know this might poke at old wounds, and for that I'm sorry, but how did you do it? How did you get past the reality that your W went from a SSM with you, to a torrid A with another man? How did your ego handle that? How much of your reconciliation was dependent on your own strength vs. needing something from her? How did you return to trusting her? Do you trust her feelings for you?
You can rebuild trust Future, but it takes time. Someone in my divorce group said it takes 7 years to fully rebuild after an affair. I guess she read that in a book. Those 7 years do not have to be filled with hurt and resentment though. It is up to you to chose to forgive.
Last edited by v1olin; 05/19/1005:50 PM.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Puppy, I know this might poke at old wounds, and for that I'm sorry, but how did you do it? How did you get past the reality that your W went from a SSM with you, to a torrid A with another man? How did your ego handle that? How much of your reconciliation was dependent on your own strength vs. needing something from her? How did you return to trusting her? Do you trust her feelings for you?
This sucks.
First of all, no need to apologize, Future -- it's why I'm here (to share my own experiences, good and bad, in the hopes of helping others).
My first, gut answer is "you don't." You DON'T fully get past it -- ever -- I don't think. It remains not a wound, but now a SCAR, and like bodily scars, it can be simultaneously a reminder of a wound, the reckless behavior (by both of us) that caused it, and also a symbol of healed flesh.
Secondly, I would say that our reconciliation was dependent almost ENTIRELY on me, at least at first. After my wife's affair, she felt foolish, guilty, blamed and shamed, and she was a mess. She didn't really have much to give me, and told me so. The physical affection helped, but then also was THE biggest "trigger" for me of what she had done, so it was ALL tough. Eventually, she started giving more, or at least TRYING to, but she's still a fairly self-centered person, emotionally, and I pretty much have to self-soothe in that department.
As for trust, that only came with transparency. I STILL check the cellphone records from time to time, and I still get a knot in my stomach if there's a text(s) on her phone to a male and the contents are deleted. Every tunnel I've taken the time to check out more fully, however, has been cheeseless, infidelity-wise, and so -- over time -- I guess trust has slowly built up in that I realize that it's now been three full years without a re-conflagration of the affair, either with OM or with some OM2.
As horrible as affairs are (and I think that unless you've been betrayed, you cannot even really IMAGINE the wound or the pain), I think an affair-following-a-longterm-SSM is its own special kind of Hell. And though I know it isn't what you want to hear, I'm not altogether sure that I have ever figured out how to fully deal with my pain and my wound.
