Ok, let's straighten this out right now. Admitting my true feelings is very hard for me but I need to do it.
In short - I love Gabe, I've never not loved him, I've been so angry with him that I masked my feelings out of hurt.
Now, I'm scared. Scared to death that I'm going to be obliterated again. I'm not scared about standing on my own two feet because I've done it for 2.5 years now and I know I'm capable. I'm scared of the emotional pain that is coming when he decides he's had enough of playing 'happy family' and needs something exciting. That sounds like I don't value myself and, in part, that is true. I still undervalue my gifts and abilities but I'm still learning, still growing.
Gabe will do whatever he will do. He either wants to have a new R with me or he doesn't. I don't know, he won't say. However, his actions and attitude are telling me that he may be considering it.
The not knowing is frustrating but I can only control myself. I only know what I feel and that is just plain scared.
Honesty....with all of you and myself. Wish I could spill that out to Gabe but that is not fair to him to put my feelings on him.
Why did I complicate my life???? I was becoming so predictable and I really did that in!!!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Oh what you think the rest of us don't love the X's?
Shoot, I still love the SG. I have accepted that I always will. And if I were in your shoes, I honestly do not know how I would react. The logical part of me says I would point stomp my foot and point my finger at the door, standing proud and tall.
Of course, tell that to my heart!
Take a breath. If you bombard Gabe with all of this right now, you will scare the everloving crap out of him. So slow down. Other than Gabe being back in the house, what really has changed? You are not so angry anymore? That is great. So now, slow down. Spill it here. Put it in the Book Baby...But for now, remember cool and aloof around Gabe.
Around Gabe, you are not Michelle. You are Mishka, mysterious...a little inaccessible. You know what I am saying? Keep the chase going Darlin'...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Do you really, truly love Gabe ...or the idea of Gabe? Do you love who he is, the person he is and the course of his character, or are you in love with his "potential"?
I think we each need to be careful and ask ourselves some hard questions about a significant other, potential or otherwise. Too often we think we can change that SO to be what we want, or we embrace illusions about them. But if that person is not already there or already on their way there via their own volition then we're just tilting at windmills.
Does that make sense?
Just trying to play devil's advocate, Mish, for your sake.
I would say just keep moving forward as you are if you can handle it. If you enjoy spending time with him, then keep doing it. If you enjoy sleeping with him (um, duh!) then do it.
There is of course history there but relationship-wise, if you were seeing/dating someone new, not Gabe, you would still be taking a chance by giving someone a piece of your heart, a piece of yourself. Mr. New Guy could also choose to walk away. One thing I have learned from this is nothing is guaranteed. I hear young people around me (20-23 yr olds) saying, "I can't wait to get married to him so we can be together forever", but statistics--and US--show that isn't always the case!
So there is never a guarantee that the guy you are with will be there forever. The difference is in this case you would have to counce back from a second time losing the same person.
If you are willing to chance it, then do it! At least you are MLing and hanging out together which is more than Dan did when he 'came back'...
If you want it to be different this time than do it. We all get in these ruts and use the excuses of life to be that way because it is easier. We really need to push ourselves to do the different thing, get out of the box, out of the comfort zone.
I am right there with you so don't think I am pointing fingers. Even today at work I came to this realization. I already knew that I spend more awake time with my boss then anyone else since this is a two person office. I however still carry over communication styles that I had with my ex. I took care of it, so why share. My boss needs to know what is going on just like my spouse would. I have to change.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
"Honesty....with all of you and myself. Wish I could spill that out to Gabe but that is not fair to him to put my feelings on him."
(1) This is some of the martyr crap I was talking about.
(2) There is nothing unfair about reporting your thoughts and feelings to another person, including Gabe.
(3) MOREOVER, you are making yourself your own victim by silencing yourself and acting like you have no right to share your thoughts/feelings with someone. That's bull. The real reason is that you are afraid to do so. And, the reason you want to share is because you want reassurances of safety and stability and magic happy endings. Such assurances are not available. Relationships are emotionally risky. You have a new R. Neither of you knows what will happen with it. Accept the risk or get out.
(4) If I were you, I would wait to blab to Gabe. Not because it is unfair (it isn't), not because it won't elicit the reassurance you crave (it won't), but because it will be better for both of you if you give Gabe time and space to figure out his own thoughts and feelings before sharing yours.
(5) Maybe you should post in infidelity or separated. Many people here are struggling with being OK. It is hard for them to see a door open in your R. It is hard for them not to project their keep-the-door-bolted-just-so-I-don't-fall-apart feelings onto you. Not so helpful if you have decided to explore a new R. Beginner's mind. The past is relevant only with respect to changes to make for the future.
I was becoming so predictable and I really did that in!!!! 