Im still confused alittle about the outcome of GAL and how that may be interpreted as me giving up on the R. If I normally was distant and that got me in this sitch, then will continuing to be distant do more damage? I know I'm doing other things to try and be a better version of myself but if I'm never around how will that work?
I went to a dinner party last night and was out late. Nothing innaproriate happened but I couldn't help felling lime I was doing something wrong having fun while my W stayed home alone. That's my codependency rearing it's ugly head isn't it?
I know I did alot to hurt our R but she wants to leave and I don't want her to. What good will staying home and being misrable?
I know it's confusing, and it's very hard. Your confused because she has changed the rules.
GALing is for you to help you let go. It also has the effect of making you more interesting. SHE told you she doesn't want to be married to you. SHE is giving up on the R. She knows this, so by you GALing, you're respecting HER wishes. As for how you show her your changes, use the opportunities that naturally come up, not initiated artificially. You say you were distant in your M. Me too. Were you distant with people in other parts of your life too? I was, and my W saw it. Usually if someone has a problem in them that causes marital troubles, it also shows itself it other parts of their life too. Those are the areas she will notice the change, if she still cares.
I'll give a few examples from my sitch that I think made an impact.
In the past, I did not radiate much "warmth" to those around me, including my W. Definitely one reason she walked away from our M. I am a much warmer person now, that's a change I made in myself. I coach my son's basketball team, and my W sees me interacting warmly with the kids on the team, and their parents. I am open and friendly. My W sees me joking and laughing with the people who run the basketball program. She noticed.
In the past, I was lazy about making plans to go do fun and interesting things. She used to have to do it all, and then drag me begrudgingly along. I now make all sorts of plans with the kids. I planned a whole spring break vacation with them, and had a great time. I didn't do it to impress her, I did it because I decided I wasn't going to be such a stick in the mud, and I realized how much I missed doing those things now that she wasn't around to set them up. She noticed.
I was stagnant and non-passionate about my career. I have now turned that around, got a promotion, got more responsibility, more respect, and more income. I'm more enthusiastic about it. She noticed.
I let myself go physically. I started running, stuck with it, and even ran a marathon. She noticed.
I always wanted to do more with my music. I finally got motivated, put aside my fear, and started performing in public. I thought the kids or someone would have told her about that, but I was surprised to find out just a few days ago that she had no idea. She asked what I was doing with my music, and when I told her she was thrilled.
In all the above examples, I said nothing to her about them, because I did it all for me. Treat her like a casual aquaintance. You wouldn't go out of your way to impress a casual aquaintance, but if they were there and saw something impressive, they would probably notice. In fact, that's often times how women come to find themselves interested in a man. The man has no idea a woman is even the slightest bit interested until she's already been silently watching him for a while. Once she approaches and gives signs that she's impressed, the more nonchalant the man acts about it, the more impressed she gets.
Look at me trying to pretend I know the slightest thing about women! Ha! LOL!
