The MC is better trained to work with stubborn maital partners... its part of the job...
Going into a MC's office is tantamount to a negotiation... The MC if they are good will have the talent to talk to your H in a way that gets this into his head...
God MC's aren't just analysts, they are educators who know how to deal with "children with paycheques"
As long as your MC is a good one, they should be able to do this... That's what they do...
And if he is addicted, which I suspect he is, he is going to be very stubborn, ensure your MC is educated on infldelity as an addiction so they know what they are dealing with...
This Cuccoon is what your MC needs to convey to him :
----------------------------- Love As An Excuse For Infidelity Penny R. Tupy 2003
So often in my work with spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair I hear the anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. Soulmates - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.
But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families.
The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous. As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.
The interesting thing about new infatuation/love is that we are blinded by the offensive or objectionable things at first. I think the pleasure of having needs met by someone new captures our attention to the point that we block out the less desirable traits. But like any addiction, what worked at first to create a high soon becomes not enough - we want more. When that happens in romantic relationships the irritating things seem to grow in proportion as the pleasure from getting needs met slackens. Unless real change takes place at this time - unless the real work of building a relationship kicks in - romantic love will wane.
This is when the instinct to demand more, to be rude or even to lose our tempers takes over. This is when the internal shift from, "You are so wonderful, what can I do for you," to "You aren't doing enough for me and I'm not willing to do anything for you - you jerk," occurs. This is where real marriage happens, when we move from - feeling like it- to making the commitment to doing what it takes to craft a truly connected and compatible relationship. This is where real love is grown.
For those, who have never honored commitment when the going got tough this is where they begin to bail. So, yes, I am sure that affair partners are in love. Does that mean it's the right place for them or that they have met 'the one'? Of course not. It means that they are in the habit of going for the feeling rather than committing to doing the work of making a truly successful relationship. Unless something greatly changes for these men and women, they will do the same again, and again. They will not find lasting happiness until they get it that marriage is more than feeling. Being in love is important, but staying there is what separates the men from the boys.
Be an advocate for marriage. When you hear of infidelity, take a stand. Refuse to condone affairs and "friendships" that threaten the integrity of the marriage bond. Educate your friends and families on the seriousness of becoming involved outside the marriage. Love is not an excuse for betrayal and abandonment. Love based on that foundation is like a house built on sand.
It's not something you can spell out lees, its something you need to spend months learning and practicing... its something her parents should have taught her when she was a CHILD... but somehow failed to...
It takes months or even YEARS to learn what's said in that paragraph.. it can't be spelled out... particularly to an addict... I read your sitch.. your wife is a classic case for romance addiction... When her romance dies, she will escape again.. and repeat that until reality comes knocking in the form of pregnancy, cancer, or menopause... You can try to educate her... She may even return when her current addiction fals apart in hopes you can offer her a newfound romance again...
Educate your MC or find a new one... Sending your H to a crappy MC is just doing more damage... You can disguise it as a parental training session... MWD even takes difficult cases like yours herself...
You need a MC that can EDUCATE your H, if his teacher is a fool you need to find a new FT who can do the job... It sounds like your H is willing to see a FT for parental reasons, so use that as the excuse... But I honeslty think you need to dump the MC if they aren't supporting marriage...
I will talk to MC about this. I know H will not listen and probably will just strengthen his resolve.
BEsides, I get the excuse from him that I was the one who destroyed our marriage, he is just "moving on with his life" since being separated.
IT's very painful but from reading these boards I am beginning to think just moving on myself is the best option? ARen't R talks off the table anyhow? I know I can't change what he does, and I don't want to push him away. But when I let him go and do what he wants out of calm acceptance, he does it more. WHen I fight him he does it more.
How do people come out of affairs? For me it took my H leaving to wake me up fully. He has already left so I can't shake him up. What else can I do?
He needs time to process the affair.. he's being self-indulgent in his own pain ....
You didn't destroy the marriage, you did a lot of damage, but resistance to rebuild is what destroys a marriage.. not the affair..
A house doens't get destroyed when a tree lands on the roof, the house gets destroyed when everyone walks away instead of doing the necessary work to repair the damaged home... He's fooling himself and blaming you...
My darkest day during my wife's affair was the realization that if she had not been tempted and I was instead, I may have make the same mistake... I was equally vulnerable... Once I got to that point I knew I had no reason to blame her when it was just her bad luck that she ran into a creep to exploit her before I did... It could have gone etiher way.
YOUR situation sounds similar... if you hadn't cheated, he may have done it anyways... He's clearly not matured yet...
My advice is to move on, but don't file papers... keep the message going that you are willing to repair the marriage, but don't press him on the matter directly yourself...
You CAN live a life outside of him until he decides to grow up.. If you want. You can take classes, work, enjoy a full life outside of his presence... I would give that a try for a while... He is going to be resistant because he's wanting to avoid the pain... If you've read Hold Me Tight you know what he's doing... I think Johnson covers to some degree how to approach someone in that amount of pain... I would have to crack teh text open again to brush up...
