I would not agree to meet him....that's what the lawyers are for. You know how he works, do you think anything productive can come from a meeting? From what you have described I find it HIGHLY unlikely!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I just sent him a text saying I wouldn't be around tonight due to prom errands (prom is tomorrow). I also gave the email to my atty, maybe we can arrange for a meeting with the four of us- me, stbx and each atty. That will definitely piss him off hugely and he'll remove himself from my life except for kid issues.
I just sent him a text saying I wouldn't be around tonight due to prom errands (prom is tomorrow). I also gave the email to my atty, maybe we can arrange for a meeting with the four of us- me, stbx and each atty. That will definitely piss him off hugely and he'll remove himself from my life except for kid issues.
Honestly, that sounds like a HUGE step in the right direction.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Part of me wants to say f*** him, run and just forget the whole damn thing. I don't want a penny if it means he disappears from my life, I'll make it work somehow. Another part of me doesn't want to let him off the hook. I'm torn which way to go.
Yep.. that's the emotional part talking. I listened to that once or twice (ok.. maybe more than that). Then I realized.. that is not good for me long term... all it did was cut off my nose to spite my face.
So I learned (am still learning) to usually wait a day or 12 before responding to the trigger email/phone call that stirred up those feelings, until I could respond in a way that was a good choice for me.
I wish you the strength to do the same. (((Bunny)))
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Part of me wants to say f*** him, run and just forget the whole damn thing. I don't want a penny if it means he disappears from my life, I'll make it work somehow. Another part of me doesn't want to let him off the hook. I'm torn which way to go.
I think that's just what he is hoping his intimidation will do. It sounds good, in the near term, but it isn't what is going to be best for you in the long run.
Don't meet him without a lawyer. He is not about to play fair, given any opportunity.
I sent an email yesterday asking how he wanted to proceed next in our negotiations and to point out a couple of additional financial facts that hadn't been considered yet. He responded with the above (I paraphrased 10 paragraphs down into that one sentence.) He wants to meet face to face tonight to discuss the sep agreement, but I know that's a bad idea.
Oh, Bunny, I repeat my repeated repetition: Go Dark. NO Contact. Lawyer to Lawyer only. For your own sanity, peace of mind, and healthy future.
You of all people should know - viscerally - that as long as he can send his sick, condescending, insulting, twisted diatribes knowing that his sub-human, non-person Bunny-possession will read them and respond (!) to them he's still got you in his mind-effing clutches!.
And he's right, quite frankly.
Email him and tell him ALL email and texts from him him will immediately be forwarded to your L unopened, unread.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
Part of me wants to say f*** him, run and just forget the whole damn thing. I don't want a penny if it means he disappears from my life, I'll make it work somehow. Another part of me doesn't want to let him off the hook. I'm torn which way to go.
I don't blame you for wanting to throw up your hands and just leave. But if you do that he will never "disappear from your life" Not unless you drop him and his sick, twisted, manipulative communications from your life completely and fight, fight, fight for everything you can get for being effed with in so many ways for so many years. Damn, Bunny! But in a loving, objective, seeing-it-from-the-outside way!
(((BUNNY)))
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thank you everyone. Your support today really helped a lot.
Well, I'll be damned... Stbx just sent a 3rd proposal (without any commentary about my worthiness as a woman and wife) that I can actually work with. I'll discuss with my atty tomorrow. I refused to talk to him today, and I think he may have realized that he was out of line with his previous correspondence.
If we get the deal done this weekend, we can file the papers within a week, and then in about 6 weeks I should be legally free of this guy.
I think we have a deal. It's not a great deal but one I can live with. There's still a couple final details to work out regarding time-lines, but the numbers are agreed to. I'm sure my atty would prefer to see higher amounts, but it's worth it to me to accept this and close the matter.
I went against everybody's advise and let him come over so that I could say I tried it his way. However, I was fully prepared to throw him out the door if he started acting up and spewing the crap that was in his last e-mail. (This conversation was very near the front door in case I needed to do just that.) Throwing his @ss out wasn't necessary as he actually behaved himself. I used the opportunity to respond to a couple of points that he made in the email, and he did say "I'm sorry" a couple times. I'm not sure if he actually gets it, but I at least stated my point of view. Examples: (1) the viciousness exhibited by his sister while his dad's estate was being settled is NOT an anomaly in his family- he can be just as vicious towards me, and he should consider getting help for his control and anger issues. (2)Getting my dog was not emotional manipulation of D17, Jazzie was for my own emotional well-being, and being really good for D17 also was a side benefit I hadn't expected. (3) I really couldn't care less about what he's doing dating-wise, and really don't have the inclination to "stalk" him, raid his mail, or do whatever his paranoid mind thinks is going on.
I pointed out that I behaved myself with class in leaving him alone, not bad-mouthing him to the kids, leaving his family alone (ok, except for the one time I talked to his sis-in-law- she was a bit closer to me than to him since we were the "in-laws" (long story), but still I admit, my bad. Everyone else still thinks he's a saint.)
I also told him I wasn't kicking in towards his legal expenses in this D (he had taken a draw against the HELOC for his retainer and wanted me to be responsible for half of the full HELOC balance), and his response was "but yours are free!" (Aside from the court costs, they are, but I didn't confirm that for him.) Bottom line- too bad for him, yay for me on that point.
I made the right call by taking the risk to meet stbx yesterday. After our little pow-wow, he was feeling so appreciative that I met with him, that he added some additional concessions in my favor in addition to what we negotiated yesterday. OK, stbx, no argument from me, thanks.
I think this proposal isn't a great deal for either one of us, we're both taking risks with it, so it probably means it's a fair deal, and I can live with it. I'm a little nervous that once he shows it to his atty, that she is going to try to talk him out of it, but I'm holding him to it. (Stbx said that she was a little agitated that he was handling so much of this himself.)
I'll get going on the rest of the paperwork this week.
