If you are not being an a$$, or rude, or saying things to make her feel guilty, you won't push her away.
I am not being an a$$, or rude. During our last discussion, I did reveal some things to her that I had not told her before. I had received two phone calls, one in Oct. and one in Dec. from two different people saying they were teachers at the school and did I know what was going on with my wife and the super. W, of course, had an explanation for both calls. I asked her, even if they were pranks or whatever, why would they bring up you and him? She said something that didn't make sense and I reiterated that it wasn't just me who thought something was going on. Maybe she saw that as an attempt to make her feel guilty. Maybe it was. I won't do that anymore. All has been said that needs to be about OM. She still swears there is nothing going on and I know I can't make her see things differently at the moment.
Anyway, I will try to rectify my talk with her tonight and clear some things up about our M or the future with or without it. I still find myself trying to be the nice guy, but I know that isn't the way to go. Respectful, yes. As Coach has been so kind to remind me numerous times, strong, confident, and be a leader.
Anyway, I will try to rectify my talk with her tonight and clear some things up about our M or the future with or without it. I still find myself trying to be the nice guy, but I know that isn't the way to go. Respectful, yes. As Coach has been so kind to remind me numerous times, strong, confident, and be a leader.
Mind you, you don't have to say it through clenched teeth. After all, you are just explaining to her what you have decided for yourself. Every marriage that has gotten to the point yours has ends up reconciled or dissolved in the long run. You are just trying to get rid of the nasty middleman, limbo.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Mind you, you don't have to say it through clenched teeth. After all, you are just explaining to her what you have decided for yourself. Every marriage that has gotten to the point yours has ends up reconciled or dissolved in the long run. You are just trying to get rid of the nasty middleman, limbo.
Not a problem. I am oddly calm about the whole mess at the moment. I still can't get over the hump of worrying about the kids. If, under the best circumstances, I get 50-50 custody, that is still 50% of their lives that I will miss out on. That's if it comes to a D. Not giving up. I know that we could do this. Oh, well. Said that a million times already. It will either sink in with her or it won't.
Mind you, you don't have to say it through clenched teeth. After all, you are just explaining to her what you have decided for yourself. Every marriage that has gotten to the point yours has ends up reconciled or dissolved in the long run. You are just trying to get rid of the nasty middleman, limbo.
Not a problem. I am oddly calm about the whole mess at the moment. I still can't get over the hump of worrying about the kids. If, under the best circumstances, I get 50-50 custody, that is still 50% of their lives that I will miss out on. That's if it comes to a D. Not giving up. I know that we could do this. Oh, well. Said that a million times already. It will either sink in with her or it won't.
The sad thing is, the WAS doesn't think of the kids. Face it, if the kids were top of mind for them, they would have never allowed themselves to give in to the temptation of another.
It absolutely sucks. The impact on the kids is unfortunate, but also unavoidable. Inevitably, if you bring up the kids, the WAS will shut you down saying it is not about them, it is about the two of you. They are in denial, and revealing the selfishness of the affair.
The only hope is that when the rubber hits the road, they will see the impact on the kids and say "What am I doing?!?" But it is hard to see this happening from someone who let the situation deteriorate to the point of an affair which shows total disregard for the welfare of the children.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
hey pig i got your post sorry if what ive been wrote is hard to read im just not very good at fraing sentces TWOL
Me 37 Waw 32 son2 bomb 8/11/09 O/M 12/25/09 Divorce filed 8/25/09 divorce finale 6/16/10 Divorce putt on hold 6/16/10 Divorce postponed STBXW idea 8/8/10
I've read the last ten pages of your sitch Idont . . .be careful man, and do a little thinking for yourself. I'm not even gonna try to step on anyones toes here.
One thing I will say though is I wouldn't spend so much time rehearsing 'your voice' and what you're gonna say, as much as I would recommend getting more stoic and zenlike. Imagine yourself not being rattled by ANYTHING . . . Imagine yourself being like Spock on Star Trek: Nothing rattles you. I'm serious too. It's good to give some thought to what you might say, but when you try to rehearse and think about everything you want to say, and how you'll say it, all it takes is one unexpected statement from your wife. Then Bang! It throws everything out of kilter, ya forget what you wanted to say, you realize you missed something you should have said two minutes before but forgot to, then you try to work it in, it sounds contrived to you, you see she's looking at you weird, she says something else you weren't expecting, and next thing ya know, you're frustrated, you get emotional, and ya just want to rewind the clock but ya can't. "Been there done that" with the rehearsal thing. Getting the mind to "Be Cool" naturally is the way to go there.
It's the mindset ya gotta work on, not the words or the voice. Once you get the mindset right, the 'voice' takes care of itself and if you missed something, your stoic and level mindset reminds you you can work it in some other time. Imagine a worst case scenario, like you walking in and catching "them" red-handed "together" Imagine yourself looking down and instead of freaking, Just scowl a little and you begin "Now ya see? This is the crap I'm talkin about. This is gonna stop, or you can just pack your stuff and get out now." I'm serious. Send this clown home for good, or pack up your stuff."
Okay . . .I'm not saying I could be that stoic and level-headed. I've BEEN in that pretty much that situation as my first marriage ended, and even with the benefit of hindsight . . .yea, I'd probably kill the bastard while she watched. But I can still visualize myself being cool but assertive under that situation so pretty much anything she simply "says" is gonna be tame by comparison. I'm not saying visualize "the deed", I'm saying visualize yourself laying down the law stoicly, calmly but assertively to her. Spare yourself the details there.
All this stuff is more like a basketball game than a hockey game anyway. Know this, and it'll help you keep your cool under fire. In a Hockey Game, two lapses in your defense can cost you the entire game. Luckily Hockey has little relevance to a marriage.
A basketball game is a series of shots and scores. Sometimes ya hit, sometimes ya miss. What do ya do? You just inbound the ball and keep playing, that's what ya do. If you stand around denigrating yourself about that missed shot or being out of position that allowed your assignment to hit 'the three' you just allow another chance for the opponent to score again. Of course even if ya do THAT . . . just get your head back in the game, because you can still win.
But mindset is important. Athletes use visualization as we do in martial arts. A boxer who "hopes" he'll win is a boxer who is about to get his tail kicked. Further, ya can't just freak out if you get tagged with a solid right. Gotta keep your head, be cool. That doesn't happen by accident. Boxers spend a lot of time, the goods ones anyway, getting their mindset right so they can think and function under pressure. Think like that. You have to come across as cool under pressure. And while you could rehearse and "fake" it" Admittedly I have 'faked' it in the past few weeks, but generally I maintain enough control "real control" over my thoughts and emotions that, for example, my wife wanted to make love a few nights ago for the first time in awhile. As we got started, she said "Don't read too much into this" In my first marriage ending, that "YES! She wants to have SEX! She doesn't want to leave! Emotion probably would have reared it's head, only to be emotionally flushed down the toilet with that "Don't read too much into this" statement.
Luckily . . .I was already telling myself not to read too much into it (Thanks Michelle) And I cooly . .and genuinely, replied "I'm not" rather matter-of-factly.
I have had to make a conscious effort to visualize myself as genuinely stoic, level-headed and cool throughout. And you need to "be in that place" before going into it, to the point you don't even have to think about remaining there once the talk starts and at least so far, I haven't simped out, though, I've 180'd a few things. And so far, I don't feel any desire to point out how great I am for making these changes. Haven't said a thing about it, I'm just doing it. Not pointing out every time her daughter disses her. Making my job search efforts more transparent, since that clearly is an issue, and I kinda kept that stuff to myself. To me, I admit it just seems a bit 'weird' to make job calls in front of her, fill out applications and customize resumes with her there, etc. I tended to wait until I was by myself to do these thing. But it truly does seem to make her feel better. I suppose she can actually see me doing something. That was "counter intuitive" to me, because dang . . .It seems kinda rude to me to do that stuff in front of folks, my assumption was that stuff is boring to her . . . but it seems to give her reassurance.
Again, keep in mind I'm just posting my thoughts, and some folks'll hate that. Take if or leave it I suppose. I'm no expert, don't pretend to be, and I am not out of the woods yet myself, but good luck!
Life may be short, but . . . well . . . it actually IS short, now that I think about it . . . . particularly when compared to planetary formation and stuff.
Just the other day I thought of something similar in dealing with the ups and downs. Think of a football game you are watching on tape, and think of your situation that way. God knows you are victorious in the end and he is watching you, not knowing the outcome, fretting over every little penalty, fumble, or interception your team makes.
At the end of the game, you can watch it again. This time you don't react to the mistakes. You already know the outcome, so you aren't worried.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Last night, I tried to make things a lot clearer to my W and be more firm in what I had decided.
When I got home, she had supper made and a plate on the counter for me. I talked to the kids for a few minutes as they ran up to when I came in the house. I put the plate of food in the microwave and said it looks and smells good. No response. I then simply said, " How's it going?" She turned and walked the other way. I sat down and ate and she went outside. When I got done, I put the dishes in the sink, went and talked to the kids some more, told them I was going to help a friend work on his house and I would be home after they went to bed. Gave them all kisses, told them I would see them in the morning. I walked through the kitchen where W was putting up dished and said, "Come out into the shed for a second when you get done."
She came out a few minutes later and stood there with her arms crossed. I was loading a cooler with beer and said, "I have been thinking all day about what I told you the other day and feel that I need to clear things up a little bit. I told you I would go to MC with you when and if you were ready. I think MC would benefit us as far as communication, and rebuilding trust, friendship and, eventually, love in our M. So, before we do anything else, I need to know if you are willing to go to one with me and work on these issues to see if this M can be saved. If you won't agree to go with me, you need move out and file for divorce. I can't continue to live with someone who treats me the way you do and treats the children the way you do."
She said some things that made no sense, like the kids would be better off if we separated, she is tired of trying by herself. She said, " I thought you agreed we needed to separate." I said that I had simply thought about it and changed my mind. That's not what would be best for me or the kids.
As I was getting in the car to leave, I said, "Look, I refuse to get into another arguement. Everything has been said that needs to be said. I need to know in the next couple of days if you will go to MC or not. What we do next depends on your answer. If you won't go with me and refuse to move out, I will get a L and file for D myself. We will then let the judge decide who goes where and who gets what. 'Bye. I won't be late." And I left.
I think I did it better this time. I was not emotional or pissy, just matter of fact, business like.
BTW, as I was getting in my car, S4 and D6 were at the window saying, "'Bye, Daddy. I will miss you. I love you. See you in the morning." I told them the same, blew them a kiss.
