Ok.. good. Again.. no forward movement on this. Basically stall if you have to. You are telling me this is not what you want. So.. don't do it.
"infidelity is not negotiable."
I got it.
"i hold back on things because i fear my h lurking. i think he is aware of this site and my concern is that he is trying to thwart my db-ing efforts."
I am always on the fence with this. Really the biggest issue to me is that if the S does read something here.. it could get taken out of context. Most likely because they would not read all of it.. and would just pick out the bad stuff. The act of "snooping" on you clearly defines that he still cares. Even if they are looking for ammo on you.. it shows they are not "done". They are looking for something to help them control the situation. I don't think you have to worry much about him thwarting your DB'ing efforts.. cause to be honest so far they have not been all that great.
"no. these concepts were really to save the LBS from the grip of depression."
You have to put this into context though. Most people find DB.com when it is too late. They have created such a hole.. it is hard to get out. The people that do "win" typically move on. They move on because they don't want to dwell in "this" stuff. They leave behind the "legacy" in the words they write. So.. to put it simply.. you have tons of "New" people that are in the exact same place as you.. trying to help you. Things can get.. well screwy. My goal when I decided to keep posting here was to help 1%. So.. if I talk to 100 people..1 of them might get it.
Don't let your mind.. be your worst enemy. Cause it will!
"i feel hopeful one day and then i read a thread about how they've tried and is still headed for d. and i wonder whether i am just fooling myself."
Start at the bottom of that list the 1-23 link.. that should keep you busy for a while. She is "winning" but.. I bet some days she wishes she wasn't.
"i won't deny that. my ic told me that it can only be saved if the two of you want to save it. it can't be saved when one of you wants to save it. but a d can happen if only one of you wants it. i don't have a say in it."
Eh.. kinda. At some point.. yes both of you will have to be on board. I do think one person can direct where you both go though.
"i don't want my db effort to be about me. it's about my m - how to get it back."
See.. you don't understand that you have lost YOURSELF.. and your marriage. They are intertwined. I would bet a million dollars that the person sitting on the other side of this screen right now.. is not the real you. How can you change things.. when the real you.. is buried under all this "Emotion"? It happens to us all.. and I cannot say it more clearly.. the faster you stop that.. and get your head back on right.. the better the chance of winning. I need the real you.. to shine! I need you to make smart decisions.. not "Emotional" ones.
"have been honest so far. i think i revealed more in your replies than i have elsewhere. i couldn't post this on the newcomers forum. i have read the posts there and i swear, if bummedout starts replying to my thread, i'll end the thread."
Look.. if you need someone to step away from your thread just say it. Me included. Just say the words.. and don't be afraid of it. If they don't listen.. let me know.. I have not exercised my "Drama Queen" in a while now.
"the terms are being reviewed by both sides. i expect it to be done by the end of the month."
Keep me updated.
"my job is to know my h."
Throw out.. everything you "know". We start fresh.. we test the situation if we are unsure. Start with the basics.
"we wanted to start a family. h was sympathetic when we failed every month. but when he dropped the d-bomb, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to have kids. he felt he was too old for kids. and he was tired of putting up with my crying every month when we failed to get pregnant."
So.. what was he really saying here? Most likely he did not understand the depth of importance to you. You can be nice to someone for a while. After it keeps happening.. it gets harder to be nice. You think that people should know.. you want to be nice.. and that you were once or twice. This is a clear idea of how we need to be more clear with the things we say and do. To a man.. his job is to "fix" your crying. If he is not successful he will distance himself. Most likely because he does not understand and he gets frustrated. Frustration.. leads to anger.. and off we go. You have to be on the look out for when you become "overwhelming". That is where you change it. DB will teach you to break down every interaction.. and after a while it becomes habit.. or something you do naturally.
This guy talk's about the point where you become "overbearing" and how to react when you notice it.
"i didn't do that on purpose. you told me to speak in terms of "we" so i did. and those were the things that came to mind. what does that tell you?"
That sub-consciously.. you know why you are "here". People say the damndest things.. when they don't know what to say. Also.. you proved the point that people show you how to "love" them.. even without them thinking about it. If you can create situations where people don't know what to say.. or how to react.. you can "see" their true colors. I can "see" the havoc that this situation created.
"and i will try to to appear happier next time i see him."
This is the goal. At some point.. you are gonna have to get lucky.. or create a situation where you see him. The goal of this meeting will be for you to make a statement. I don't want to generate a response from him.. but you need to say some things.
#1.. This is not what you want. You don't want to be D.
#2.. You appreciate all the "things" he has showed you.
you need to capture this thought in your words.
"in all honesty, i learned to live a better life when he came into my world. he showed me how to live well. for that, i am truly grateful."
#3.. You want to be happy.. and right now you feel that means having him in your life.
I am not great at fleshing out statements.. I am a seat of the pants guy. But.. you have a great forum of wonderful writers here. Maybe they can help. You need to frame your words with "I"
I feel this way I miss this
so on and so on. No "you" (meaning him).. use "we" cautiously.
The key to this is you will have to set aside all "Emotion" when you do this. It must be a statement. You will need to smile.. and appear to mean your words. Anyone who "sees" this interaction will have no doubt that it is sincere. If you can't pull that off.. don't do it. It is hundreds of times more important how you say it.. then what you say. Ideally you pull it off flawlessly.
"this one is tough. will require some creativity and thought."
That is the goal.. that is what you need. You don't want to run into this.. with your head down. We know what that gets you!
Keep your head up.. (so you can see whats coming)
And always... (You can click on the red words below.. they are defined)
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
