How 2 fix sex issue if he won't let me?

[alice444]

GGB- I don't post on my thread anymore here and definitely do not use that name anymore, but have a few comments.

1) if you haven't read the Sex-Starved Marriage, buy it. TODAY. Do not wait for Amazon, go get it at the bookstore right now. Read it, whether your W will or not, though it would open her eyes greatly if she's at all receptive. I wish I'd gotten my hands on it years ago- you will feel like it was written about you (and her) specifically. It helped me really get what my H must've felt for so long, even though he'd tried to tell me many times. It also gives you some insight that I think it's hard for HD person to have about the LD person. Seriously, get it.

2) The fact that she is trying to please you is good- let her!and appreciate it- this is a positive step and having been at that exact place, it's sometimes it's all the LD person can do, even if you don't understand why it's hard for her to do anything else right now. Receive it for what it is: a gift of love and a sign that she is trying to break out of her rut.

3) If you still want to work on things with her, first, seek out MC with someone who deals a lot w/sex issues if you aren't already going. Do it now. That person may suggest W sees a sex therapist- might be better heard coming from that person than you.

4) work on other stuff with her- other NON-SEXUAL affection that you assure her is not a prelude to sex. Otherwise, her anxiety will rise and she'll probably balk. Again, you don't need to understand why, and it doesn't mean she doesn't care greatly about you. You need to maintain whatever non-sexual physical intimacy you can right now so it doesn't die. Ask her what she'd like to do that is not sexual. Get a massage? Snuggle? Assure her it is not going to lead to sex. Both of you need this right now.

5) I don't know your sitch- whether you have kids, how good the rest of the R is etc. (sorry, don't have time to look right now). I am not making a suggestion for you here, I am just going to say that it took a drastic announcement on my H's part to wake me up. You need to see action and no more talk, I am assuming. She must know that for real, and it's your job to make sure she knows where your bottom line is with this and the M. Also, if she's been trying to tell you the "why" of her issues with sex and you have not been listening, do it now. I'm not saying it's your fault, but it's likely it's at least partly tied to your R and emotions around it. If she's asked you for changes, I'd suggest you check in with her about what those are and specificially what you can do that she wants to see changed. And do not expect she will suddenly want to have sex with you- this will take time, if you're willing to invest it.

I wish you luck--

-alice