embracing change

[alice444]

Unfortunately, I tend to agree w/newmama. But you know H better than us- is this a tone he's likely to respond positively to (or at least won't make anything worse)?

If not, I'd make it blander but pointed, maybe something like

I want to make sure D's party is really special and that whatever's between you and me doesn't interfere- I know you'd agree with me that she deserves that. I know it was awkward the other day at the picnic - can we make an agreement that we get along and project a positive attitude for the kids' sake at these special events?

[Freckle6]

No, I wouldn't sent that unless you want to get him riled up. It's bound to get him defensive (because he knows he did act like an @ss) and make things worse. And if things get nasty legally ever, he could try to pull the "she's trying to keep me from my kids" card with that.

I went through several years of birthday parties with H attending where I don't think I uttered anything more than a "thank you" to him the entire time. And these were cookout meal birthday parties with our families. If you have people coming, it'll be easy to just steer clear of each other.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I agree and I really like Alice's version of it!

[flowmom]

OK thanks for the feedback. The intention wasn't to be smart-a@@. I just tend to be very blunt and I was trying to let him off the hook so no one has to deal with his grumpiness. I think I'm not going to send anything. He's a grownup and he knows how to act like one...I hope he chooses that.

[flowmom]

Well I got a peek into H's intentions tonight. He wants to take out a second mortgage on our home to consolidate the debt. I found that that would make it harder for me to assume the mortgage, so I expressed that concern to H tonight. He looked kind of pained, then said that if I wanted to continue to live in this home, we would be willing to keep the mortgage "for a few years" -- I'm assuming he meant keep the title, but not pay the mortgage. That was a relief as it would be difficult for me to qualify even to assume the mortgage...that would still be based on my income. I think that he believes that I should know what his intentions are and trust him, but frankly I'm not feeling in a trusting mood post-bomb. And of course a new life with a new woman/stepchildren might change his intentions in a hurry. I guess that's an argument for starting the separation agreement soon, while he's feeling guilty and likely not yet being pressured for commitment etc. by new OW unless she is totally stupid, which I doubt.

[flowmom]

I went through several years of birthday parties with H attending where I don't think I uttered anything more than a "thank you" to him the entire time.

Wow Freckle <shaking head>. Your journey truly has been remarkable.

[flowmom]

Alice, you're a great communicator . Thanks for help on the wording, it's a good example for me.

[alice444]

Well I got a peek into H's intentions tonight. ... I expressed that concern to H tonight. He looked kind of pained, then said that if I wanted to continue to live in this home, we would be willing to keep the mortgage "for a few years" -- I'm assuming he meant keep the title, but not pay the mortgage. That was a relief as it would be difficult for me to qualify even to assume the mortgage...

That is good news if he's serious. All this is tough enough w/out having to move out of your family home if you don't have to right away.

I think that he believes that I should know what his intentions are and trust him, but frankly I'm not feeling in a trusting mood post-bomb. And of course a new life with a new woman/stepchildren might change his intentions in a hurry. I guess that's an argument for starting the separation agreement soon, while he's feeling guilty and likely not yet being pressured for commitment etc. by new OW

I hate to say it, but it's probably better to be safe than sorry- I think you already know that. I am of the opinion that now that they're all possessed by aliens, we cannot trust anything that's not in writing with a signature. Sad, but necessary for protecting ourselves and our kids. I hear a lot from my H too like "of course I'll give you part of the interest in/ownership of the house", but I'm not counting on anything til it's in writing in a legal document.

I like how clearly you're thinking, FM. And calmly. I know it's probably still really hard, but you are thinking things through logically and wisely and I think it's serving you well to get through this.

Alice, you're a great communicator. Thanks for help on the wording, it's a good example for me.

I take that as a very nice compliment, thank you! I like to think that I am, too, but then I wonder how the heck have I not been able to communicate with H all these years that we've gotten to this place? I forget that it takes two, so it's nice to hear someone objective tell me that I'm clear in what I say .

[Mila]

Hi Flowmom, just stopping by to read you sitch and adding you to my watch list

[Kalni]

That "trust/future/possible next wife" etc came up a few times between me and H as well. And I had to tell him I trusted him but not his next wife. He couldnt I would say such a thing. But my words also seem to bring closer to him another side of the reality:joggling between wives/ex wives, new and past life and his dear kids... The thought must have been scary...