I feel so much pain inside. I'm just devastated that my wife is actually choosing him over me and our family being together. All I wanted was for her to stop communicating with him. I told her this morning, "I'm not expecting you to leave - I'm only expecting you to choose between me and him." She said, "Yea, whatever."
I think I'm supposed to be "pushing" for her to leave, but its so hard to do.
1. Pain and tears are good Ken, it means youa re groing up... your emotional limitation is that you let your wife run roughshod over your marriage.. THAT is somthing YOU need to work on... Being a supplicating (love that word Pup, i keep using it all day, even at work lol) Yes-Man is NOT the way to a joyful marriage... your spouse needs to respect you as well as appreciate you... and you nodding at her every time she asks for something is not the route to happiness... it sa blance between teh two of you.. I think you are getting that now.
2. You are to be pushing her in TWO directions - Separation AND reconciliation... Right now she's been holding onto an open marriage and that is not healhty for YOU.. so you force her to choose :
a. Reconcilliation - by working hard at being a good husband, father, getting a GOOD FAMILY THERAPIST and GOING regularly... leading by example, speaking OUT AGAINST infidelity in your own home, and in the homes of otehrs and in your chuch as well
b. Separation - Distance yourself and your children from your wife's addiction and destructive meladrama... its NOT healthy for your kids or you.. and YOU and your kids did NOT INVITE that addiction into your home, your WIFE did... so you psuh her to leave and to take her self-destructive, rainbow chasing a$$ elsehwere until she grows up... If she loves those kids she will be crying too... push her as hard here as you do the one above.
You CAN push them both on her at the SAME TIME.. it is NOT a contradiction...
You need to pressure her in both these directions so SHE has to make a CHOICE.
And lastly ken, you are NOT and SHOULD NOT asking her to CHOOSE between YOU and HIM... STOP TELLING HER THAT
You are asking her to make a choice between a and b above - reiterated below :
a - Repairing a marriage and a family b - Destroying a marriage and escaping into fantasy
THAT is the choice she must make... STOP telling her she has to choose between you and this man...
I will quote Phil McGraw as well, just for clarify and some perspective :
From Phil McGraw : It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous comparison.
You are an educated Man Kan, If you read that carefully you can see A and B in there.. THAT is the choice your wife needs to make, it is NOT choosing YOU or HIM, it is choosing reality over fantasy... STOP enabling and MISINFORMING YOUR WIFE - you are DESTROYING YOUR OWN MARRIAGE when YOU DO THAT
You are doing good ken, but when you speak to yoru wife it is VITAL that you educate her properly...
She is giong to be miserable while you push her to choose between these two paths... Do NOT CATER to IT!!! Let her SULK all she wants... she is going to try sulking and will use anger to manipulate you... I a very concerned that you will CAVE to it and take her back blindly... do NOT DO THAT...
Your wife needs to cry and grow up too... tears aren't just pain Ken, they ar GROWTH... when she starts showing them you can let her cry and watch teh emotional growth start to happen.. until you see that start ignore her pouting... she's just resisting those two choices...
I say too damn bad... The time to chase rainbows is when you are four, not fourty... she needs to GROW UP.
