After the last few days of drama, I was asking myself again today, how do I deal with the fact that she wants to act like a kid with no responsibilities? She has even told me that is how she feels. She said this years ago, I just thought it was a phase. Anybody have any idea what to do now?
I have been trying to work on my patience. This is a tough one because I feel that she is trying to punish me. It feels like she is trying to show me how she felt when I was unavailable to her. I guess that is a natural reaction. Does this make sense to anyone? I guess I am just frustrated. She is putting out the vibe again that she is only there for now. I still have not approached her about the MC yet, checking insurance. Not sure how that will go over. I am hoping that some of her issues will come out in MC so that she can fix the blaring problems she has with letting things go. Not just with me but she is still harboring resentment toward something her sister did to her when she was 8 years old. If we can solve that problem we can make huge leaps forward IMHO. Any thoughts out there, have not heard from anybody in a while.
You have a lot of hard feelings for your W. So do I. I find the hardest part is dealing with the desire and knowledge that kids need parents to show them the 'best way' they can. Even when those feelings are there.
You are here, though, aren't you. That means you must have some pretty good feelings for your family/wife, too. So do I. That doesn't help me when she (or your W) makes comments that seem to deny the reality around them.
So, keep going forward SMM. Your W has resentments and issues. She'll need time to deal with those. In the meantime, you'll be hurt from time to time. Just make each interaction and event the best you can, and your son (and you) will be eternally grateful for trying very hard.
Have you found any other 180s to do so her needs (and yours) can be better met without confrontation?
Also, have you managed to read "Improve your M without talking about it"?
I do love my wife with all of my heart. That is why the day she left shocked me into changing my life for the better. I do not know if it is DB'ing or not, but I actually thanked her for what she did!!!??? I know confusing, but it forced my hand and stopped depending on her to be my mommy and start treating her like a wife and standing on my own two feet again. I was so dependant on her becasue I kept taking and she kept giving. Neither of us admitted it, but that is what was going on. Until she finally had had enough. I think she is starting to see that I am now that I am a better man. More acurately, acting like a man instead of a leach. So some days things are better and then others, not so good. I will fight with every part of my being, becasue I do remember what we were once like, and I know that it was great. I would like that to be a starting point to the rest of our lives.
I have not found too many other 180's. Although after Monday when she stayed out late, I realize she was testing to see how controlling I was going to be. I id not call until 10 PM but I still called. So another 180 I did was last night I took S to diner with parents again and did not call or discuss what was going on. She showed up at 10:30 and although she had a bad day, she came in and gave me a big hug and a kiss. She rarely does that first thing when she comes in. I was good and did not react and acted like that is what is supposed to happen.
I had one happy moment on Wednesday.I had soccer practice and she brought S down to watch and she watched as well. She has done this a bit this year, but this time I noticed she was watching. She had done her best to ignore me before and pretended to be there for S. After practice S4 wanted to play on the big field so we all went out to play. S wanted to be goalie and wife had ball. She nutmegged me (for non soccer player that is when ball is kicked between the defendes legs and you are beaten.) Well, I have played since I was 5 and professionally, so I was red. So W says, "Why are you so red? Embarassed that your wife beat you?" I just laughed. I loved hearing that. I was good and did not react to any of that. I just hope there is more to come. But these little bits make it easier to keep on working on things. I think it makes me remember that she is paying attention.
I have not read Improve your M without talking about it OTM. I have seen this title in many therads here, so I will go check it out at the bookstore today. I am willing to read anythnig that will improve me , my marriage or my family. I long for the day that I can lay with my W lovingly on the couch and just listen to the radio or music nad just be together. I do love her with my soul. I get very down on myself when I reflect on the things that I have donw. Sometimes I wonder why should she come back to me. I understand now how she could have felt alone while I was right next to her. I am ashamed, but then I just work to fix those things and make mental notes to never do it again.
Are you journalling your successes? Regardless of what the future holds, you should always remember what great things you did, read, and felt.
She left you alone at times, too, but all in all, accept the responsibility as you have been doing, and don't spend too much time in the "if I had only". I doubt depression is what she wants to see on your face.
So I had a rough mothers day because of the fact that I really could not be with W. She decided to go spend the day with her M. I can't stand MIL as she has a hand in our problems. So I went to my M. So I was reflecting with my time away and I really am worried. I was just thinking about the conversations I have had with W and her intentions. I do not think that she plans on ever getting back with me. She does not have anywhere to go and as long as I do not push the issue, she has her own room and the bills are paid. She can be with her son when she wants and then she can just disappear is she wants for 6 hours at a time. So she does not have to have physical contact with me if she does not want, no amount of love put forward, and definitely no "relations" I have changed my life for the better and she has changed nothing. She just gets to come and go and have a live in babbitter. So what is her incentive to get back together? It just seems to me that maybe since there is nowhere to go and I am not pushing physical relations that she is cake eating. When i do mention it, she will get harsh and really put me down enough that I will not ask for a while again or she will tell me, "What makes you think I am in this relationship?" to back me down.
She was in a good mood when she got home because it was just her and her mom. Her sister that usually steals the spot light was not there and W enjoyed every minute of the attention. W has some serious issues with childhood. Tried to talk to her about it before, she gets all upset and stops talking. She noticed I was in a bad mood, but I just have been sick (sinus, ear, upper respiratory infection) and was tired and cranky. So I explained that to her and then went to bed.
I have first meeting with MC tonight. I am going by myself first to try to see if C is good and to let him know of my concerns regarding mental stability of W. I think she is D or MLC or a combination. I know she needs to get some issues out and dealt with before we can have a M if we can salvage what we have. We seriously do not have many problems, just that she has the desire to be free, and I just do not understand it. W does not know I am going and I will tell her after that I scheduled one for both of us whenever we have the next session. This is insane that we have to go through all of this. I hope someday I look back and say it was worth it.
Visited with MC. Told him as honestly as I could what was going on. After the hour, he said that sometimes spouce has mad up their mind and that is that. If she does not want to truely work on the M, then there is nothnig he or I can do.
I just do not not know what to do with that. Anybody out there with suggestions? What should my game plan be with W now? Should I just keep acting like nothing is wrong, except for the fact that she does not wear her ring and does not sleep in the same room, and let her have space to heal? Or should I be taking another approach. My difficultly is this, I feel totally alone. I try not to show it and am happy and confident around her and S. These are my thoughts: 1. she is at home and we are communicating better than we ever have. So that is going good. 2. I am at home with my S every night and we all three play together like everything is fine. So S is happy and I am happy. 3. W and I are at least hugging and kissing and I have given her massages and other things as suggested earlier by some of you. So it feels like there is progress, but I just do not know how much or if there is really. The major problem in our marriage is that she does not talk about her feelings. It always has been. If I was doing something she did not like and never told me then it is obvious that I did not stop. So now she resents me for doing things I did not even know bothered her that I would have gladly stopped even then. So what if she is not telling me things then. I have stopped all R talk as suggested. But when does it become appropriate? Please help me out, I really am in limbo and do not know what to do.
Any expert DB'ers out there? What is my status in the process in your opinion? I feel we are at least getting to be best friends again, but I am not sure.
Hi SMM, Unfortunately, I am not sure any advice I offer will be helpful as I'm in a somewhat similar position to you. (not sure how to incorporate a link but I just posted my story yesterday). My H and I still sleep in the same bed and we are still wearing wedding rings but no physical touch at all. In the meantime, I'm still in limbo-land with no discussion of the R. What everyone has told me is that it's going to take as long as it's going to take and that the focus needs to be on doing what you need for yourself and not on what's going to happen with the R. I know - easier said that done. Perhaps you can check in with yourself and decide a deadline by which you will want to circle back with her and discuss the R. You can set the deadline for a given time and then change it if once you get to that point you feel it needs to be moved back. I'm suggesting this because perhaps once you have that deadline in mind you can just let it go and continue with the process of reconnecting. What are your thoughts on that strategy?
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
Thank you so much. I have been hoping for a woman's point of view. I am still workign on my patience. I have done better, but I still am the type of person that wants to get it done and out of the way so that we can deal with the next thing. I am that way with everything in my life and it is difficult to reprogram and try to let it play out. I will stop over to your thread and read and leave some more comment later.
Visited with MC. Told him as honestly as I could what was going on. After the hour, he said that sometimes spouce has mad up their mind and that is that. If she does not want to truely work on the M, then there is nothnig he or I can do.
What does 'working on a M' look like? Some DB tactics look pretty passive. The important thing is the R is improving on a long-term basis, you and your W are getting more hopeful, etc.
Now in MC, if it is goal orientated, then regardless of intent, some goals can be worked on. For example, communication can be worked on.
So what do you suggest OTM? Just keep going the way we are going, very slowly but constructive? I guess I can live like that, at least my son is happy and we are quietly working on things separately.
My fear is that after all of this she will either leave still or cheat on me waiting for a miracle to happen in this dream world she has made for herself. I am worried about some fast talking SOB is going to take advantage of her weak state of mind and she will feel "In Love" with him. I have read this story so many times on here and friends who went or are going through the same thing. Why does everyone run to get a divorce when they are not happy or sleep around? The vows say better or for worse. If I did not agree to these words and believe that she and I were supposed to be together I would not be here trying to save my marriage. I have other women right now that would gladly take her place and have told me so. I realize that these are all out of my control and I need to let them go. But I have already been hurt so many times by her for doing just this and I am not sure I can take it again. She needs counseling to get her head clear of all of the baggage she has squirreled away over the years. Just like I did. I got help though.
I reread her letter to me that she left me when she thought it was over. It hurts!! She kept saying that she did everything she could. That is so NOT TRUE!!! All she ever had to do is talk to me. Tell me what was bothering her. Tell me what hurt her and we could come to some conclusion on how to deal with it. Instead she let it build up for years without saying a word and then one day out of the blue she was gone. SO NOT RIGHT!!! I am so gun shy with everything I do with her because she does not let me know how she feels. Does she like it? Hate it? WHAT!!?!?!?! SPEAK!!!!!
I asked her out for Saturday night. She agreed and asked what we were doing. I told her it was a surprise. I am trying to come up with something different. Any suggestions out there. I know that I know her best and should be able to come up with something, but I was hoping something a little bit romantic. Or is that too much?
But for tonight...I am going out with the guys and having a great time. I am going to go buy some new clothes on the way home from work and I am going to get some cologne and wear that too. I have not done that in years. I am going to have a great time. I need to relax and GAL. Before, I always wanted to go out with W. I think some alone time will be better right now. So as the great philosopher Billy Madison once said "BOYS NIGHT OUT!!!!"
