I've been through this before with her. There's no subtext. Really what it means I guess is that she's still pretty transparent to me. We never really did cut off that level of communication.
I don't get that! even though she knows you're all she ever wanted, she's a mess, she's broken over what she's done yet she doesn't want to be with you...can someone explain this to me please?? WAS and their weird logic!
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
New to me I guess. I've typcially been kind of shy and aloof. Funny what talking to people can do.
Originally Posted By: LolaL
It’s a double edged sword to get into that kind of conversation
You know, I wasn't quite sure where it was going until we were into it. Funny, someone tells you they're going through something similar, and you almost huncker down and trade war stories. Then you start to realize... oh - you're a WAS. I asked her if her H wanted to save it, and she said of course, as he felt he couldn't live without her. After awhile you kind of run out of things to say. You don't want to be - what - encouraging I guess - so I just kind of listened and spoke from my own experiences. I don't know what's going on in their situation, so who knows.
Wow Lola, things can get messy, can't they...
Originally Posted By: LolaL
Although I love Facebook, you can hop onto my thread and read my rant about it…
I will. FB seems like it was a significant enabler of both XW talking to OM, and me finding sources of support. I'm kind of love/hate too, but kind of like - say a knife - just a tool that can be helpful or damaging depending on how you use it.
Originally Posted By: v1olin
Ewww, yeah, stay away from the XOXO chick on facebook!
Yeah... I really don't know her that well. I was really more "Um - huh? Oh. Uh oh." than "eww" but yeah - "caution".
It's really, really, strange to realize - this sounds familiar - like my XW. And your husband - wow - that was me... and you're confiding to me on FB and so that makes me... no way in hell.
Originally Posted By: StupidRomeo
I don't get that! even though she knows you're all she ever wanted, she's a mess, she's broken over what she's done yet she doesn't want to be with you...can someone explain this to me please?? WAS and their weird logic!
Oh, I get it. She says she can't have what she wants. I'm "everything she wants" but from her perspective I haven't given it to her. What was her metaphor - like the ice cream sundae behind the glass that you can't get to. We can debate how much merit her perspective has, and it's all about your point of view I guess, but that's it in a nutshell.
Anyway. Picked the kids up. XW's comment this afternoon was "I don't want to be anywhere near you, I'm grieving." OK.
Wow, I mostly feel relief. I wonder if this is going to well up and sucker-punch me soon.
OK I keep typing things and deleting them because they're not fully-formed thoughts. Something along the lines of not all WAS's sound crazy; only mine did. Oohhhhh perspective, you've been trying to get in for awhile, haven't you?
Geronimo, how's today going for you? How long was the D process? how're the kids doing? do they know that it's final etc? how're you feeling probably a bit relieved, a bit sad which is understandable.
Oh I missed this earlier today. How long? XW filed in August, and we signed the papers this week. 9 months. Oh that's funny, we used to joke that we did everything in 9 month increments. I'll be damned. Sorry, personal joke.
Kids are doing fine. Teachers have commented to XW that they seem do be doing much better than they were in December when I moved out. We haven't talked to them about the steps in the process, but yes they know about the certainty of the divorce.
Every so often the bring up something to kind of challenge it. Suggest we should get back together. Ask us if we love one another. Things like that.
I'm doing great somehow. XW is clearly not. She's sick too however.
Anyway. Picked the kids up. XW's comment this afternoon was "I don't want to be anywhere near you, I'm grieving." OK.
Wow, I mostly feel relief. I wonder if this is going to well up and sucker-punch me soon.
What I think is that your XW kind of had a picture in her mind of life after D being better than it was. You had a picture in your mind life would be worse. So for you it's not as bad as you thought it might be, and she is finding it's not as good as she thought it would be. I still have moments of sadness, but overall life is way better after D than I thought it would be.
I think that happens a lot actually. The WAS thinks they are going to magically find some kind of relief, enlightenment when the D is over. But all of a sudden, its done, and they don't feel any better.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Yeah - this morning, she still was still in the same state. And she talked about how I was so happy. She said - something really big happened this week, and you're happy.
It's pissing her off I guess. I don't know. I said, it's a relief to have gotten that step over with.
I guess it doesn't matter, I'm not responsible for her feelings. And you know - I had that twinge of needing to be concerned, to join her in her - funk, whatever it is, to experience it together... which makes me wonder as I'm typing it - HOW MUCH that tendendcy informed my state of mind during our marriage.
Hm. I wonder if I'm finally effectively DBing.
In other news, got an email from yet another high-school aquaintence who appears to be a WAW. He assessment is she's OK, he's not, he tells her there's still a chance, and she's annoyed and thinks "no way".
I must admit, this is interesting. These WAWs are all so - set, resolved - and see their H's as so pathetic in some way or other. And yeah, part of that is their insistence to save their M.
I have to say that it's really repugnant to me that a woman would find a man unattractive because he wanted to save his marriage.
And I suppose what I'm getting at is that I'm tired of the suggestion that a man is some kind of wimp or pansy or pushover - or even in any way just plain weak - simply because he values his marriage and wants to do everything in his power to save it.
I find it ironic that in many cases THAT kind of thinking was at one time something that the walk away spouse found attractive - one of the things that made her fall in love with you.
Suddenly they flip a switch, read a few too many Harlequin love novels, watch a few too many Lifetime channel movies, and they decide that their loyal, dependable, and committed spouse is no longer attractive.
Well I am committed to the sanctity of marriage. I still believe that marriage is to last forever. I refuse to give up the notion that two people make promises and vows to stay together forever. Just because my previous spouse went batchitt crazy and suddenly wanted to bed men the age of her son, doesn't mean that I was wrong.
Screw all of them.
I honestly think if an old friend contacted me and gave me that kind of sob story, I would tell her that she was a sorry excuse for a human being and that I had no interest in further communication.
And I can guarantee you that those kind of people are ones you want to steer FAR away from in future relationships. At least you can consider their comments truth in advertising - let the buyer beware.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Actually, I think a man who would fight for his marriage is someone I would rather be involved with than someone who would just walk away. But I think that is because I have been here, hanging out with some of the greatest guys I have ever met, who have fought tooth and nail to resolve the marital issues rather than walk away.
I mean, if a man or woman can walk away without fighting once, they can do it again. What is so great about that?
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I'm really spending some mental energy groking on this today. (I should be working...)
Yeah guys, I'm with you, but kind of on a different track -
I've kind of wondered in the past, why in the hell would anyone hvae encouraged XW to proceed with divorce? I have at times been frustrated at that. So anyway, and again, pulling this together in my head -
- Well of course, this is how XW sounded to other people. This is how she described ME to other people. Even her mom, who loved me, encouraged her. There is really only one person that was close enough to the situation that was able to see through her. - I do think there is some element of self-justification here - I KNOW that hearing this it isn't the whole story. Someone tells me their spouse is a s#!t, yeah it's easy to pick and choose the bad moments. Yeah I said some crappy things too. - But these are legitimate feelings. The "I'm not happy, don't I deserve to be happy?" question - well the answer is YES. It doesn't mean the action is to leave, that's not what I'm saying. But all this time I've been angry at XW for giving up, and not honoring her commitment, and all that. And she says I don't get it. Yeah, I've understood what she's said, I've even cried about the hurt and lonliness she's felt, because I do love her and I do want her to be happy. But when someone else says that and you're not invested in being the WAS - it hits home differently.
I don't know where these thoughts are going. Yeah, I'm in danger of becoming a little jaded.
Guys, yes, I believe in marriage too. But something is wrong. For that matter, look at the statistics, sure, this is old news.
WE ARE NOT GOOD AT IT.
I'm just doing stream of conciousness at the moment here guys - Everything that's important in our lives we invest in, right? You get an education for a career - you take steps to be good at it. You take training. Whatever.
I don't know. Is it enough to say I love you, so you better stick around? You made a promise so, I'm holding you to it?
Do WASs just damn selfish or do they have legitimate complaints? Just confused? Have they tried so hard that they're at wit's end? Or are they quitters? See, my XW would say the first. I would say the second. There aren't answers here.
So the upshot - instead of becoming jaded - I want to be come BETTER AT THIS.
And yeah, be able to read the warning labels too.
OK not sure this made any coherent sense, but I need to go now.
