WAH and LBW separated and dark

[theGoodGirl]

coach, forrest, lauraoh.
you guys are really making me open up. it might be time to reveal more about my sitch from my perspective.

it started in nov '09.
we had been having difficulties conceiving.
i decided to take a break from work to get myself checked out by a specialist.
i told h about my decision. the goal wasn't to get pregnant. the goal was to find out why two healthy adults couldn't do it naturally.
maybe it was bad timing - it was near h's b-day.
he got agitated. and ended up saying that he felt that i wasn't ready for motherhood and that he didn't have the confidence that i could handle motherhood.
he said i was a constant procrastinator and that i never finish a task.
he asked me if i really felt that i could all the chores, the cleaning, laundry, cooking, managing the household, all while taking care of a newborn on lack of sleep.
i asked what he would be doing. he said he would have to focus on work because somebody had to put food on the table.
we were financially secure at the time. there was no need for him to put in extra hours or anything. his job was a major source of stress for him. i simply did not see him putting in any extra hours for a job he did not like.
i was really hurt by his comments.
in my mind, we would make great parents. we both had wonderful parents. we talked about how we would raise our kids. we even had names picked out.
but to hear my h say he didn't think i could handle motherhood was like being kicked in the stomach.
i tried to put it out of my head and i told myself - he's just scared.
but it wouldn't go away. i managed to be happy and cheerful for his b-day but the weight of those words brought on depression. i cried 2-3 times a day for two weeks. every time i looked in the mirror, it was like the words kept coming back at me.
i went silent for a while and h called my silence "b*tchfest". i go silent because i need to think about what i'm going to confront him and how i'm going to say it. i know i have one chance to tell him and i want to get my message clear.
so i told him before christmas that i was really hurt by his comments.
he looked at me and said i don't know why you're hurt. it had to be said and i stand by my comment.
he said that i said we need to keep the communication lines open but when you turn bitch because you can't take criticism, then you are not encouraging me to communicate.
so that was my fault too.
i brushed it off.
when i saw how lovingly he treated his parents, i couldn't understand why he treated me the way he did but be so loving to his parents. i was his w. he hurt me. i told him in plain english. he didn't apologize, showed no remorse, and blamed me for it.
to this day, he still doesn't understand the impact that statement made. yet everybody else says that was a really mean and hurtful thing to say.

i couldn't be loving towards him and even though i tried to put it aside, it was eating away at me. hence, the lack of bedroom action in december.

Not knowing why can be frustrating. Normally the WAS can't bear the emotional pain of staying vs the emotional pain of leaving. Leaving becomes the better option. So they cope by having a A, rewriting history, script, fog, etc. You are only responsible for your part of the problems in the marriage.

i don't know the real reason for the d-bomb.
he said he was no longer in love me because i wasn't the same person who he fell in love with. the girl he fell in love with, wouldn't have treated his parents this way.
he also cited our intimacy. he wanted me to talk to my ic about my intimacy issues. i said you're telling me you want to d but you want me to fix my intimacy issues?
is he confused? does he even know what he wants?

You sound like a very grounded, secure and capable woman. He feels a lot, he gets other peoples feelings and he is very aware of how others feel. Co-dependence helps you fine tune these skills. He really wants to be needed, his Mom and Dad need him. You are independent. You both wanted children, a area you needed him in and it didn't work out. This is crushing to him. This IMO is a huge source of emotional pain for him. Co-dependent people have a hard time expressing their own feelings. Especially their own wants and what hurts them.

the snide person in me would have said "well, he had no problems telling me he wanted a d."

i thought he wanted me to be independent? why would he tell me to be more independent when he really wanted to be needed? don't give me mixed message because i will take it at face value. i don't play games like that. grow up. when i want something, i ask for it.

but looking back, i underestimated the impact of our fertility issues had on him. he knew i wanted children and he feared that i would resent him if we didn't have children.

thank you for the compliment. as i have said in my previous posts, i don't need h but i want him in my life.
i don't say "need" because i don't want to be labelled 'co-dependent' but in some ways, i do need him.
but i can see that in him. i can see that in him now.

I was very co-dependent. I had to deal with my FOO issues. I had to do my work. I so wanted to feel better about myself and be loved for who I was. To let someone down is awful to a co-dependent. I didn't think I was lovable if anyone could really see inside me (intomesee). I share this to maybe help you have some compassion for your H. Compassion is the solution for anger.

how did you realize you were co-dependent and i assume you went to get help?
i have been waiting for a man's opinion for the longest time because i needed to understand h's perspective. i appreciate your honesty and giving me real advice.
when h dropped the d-bomb on me, i was in a state of confusion at first.
then i started talking to people who have been there. i started gaining compassion because i started seeing how his accusations of me were really a projection of himself.
it was almost as if he was mad at me for being able to stand up to his parents because deep down, he wanted to stand up to his parents and yet couldn't. probably because he was co-dependent and he needed them.
in the years that we were married, his father took advantage of h's money. made some bad investments and left h with the empty bag. h never stood up to his father for doing that. i tried to help him recover the losses and we managed to mitigate the damage. h was not happy about the bad investments yet he continues to allow his father to do this. but *i'm* called the gold digger?

a wise friend had talked me through the days when h was throwing accusations at me. and my friend had said listen to what he is saying. you're confused because you don't know where it's coming from right? because it's not about you. if you change the "you" to "i" .. it will make sense. and it did. i started to see that it wasn't about me. it's not you can't handle motherhood. it's "i can't handle fatherhood". it was only then that i started to let go of the anger.

sometimes i need to be reminded about being compassionate.

Your H's parents are feeding the co-dependence. They cause him emotional pain - shame, fear, guilt. All negative emotions. That is his problem. You can't control his parents or him.

i can see that. even knowing this, can i bring him back to our r/m?

As much as this hurts it is a time of growth for you. A story that helped me is the Stockdale Paradox.

that had such a negative spin on it. it's like you're telling me to give up. that it can't be saved. i know it hurts. i'm passed the stage of crying and oh woe is me. i have work to do before it's too late. or is it already too late?

GG