I've asked her on several occasions to leave and she just won't do it. I wish I could afford a lawyer, b/c I think that's the kind of help I probably need to actually get her out the door. How often should I be asking her to leave? She comes home from work, acts like nothing is happening, and watches TV.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
OK I just spoke to her and apparently she is looking for an apartment during the day. She asked, "Do you have a deadline or something?" I said, "Well I was hoping you could do it in the next week or two." She said, "OK."
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
That has got to be the nicest "throwing out" I've ever heard of. You are letting things run according to her timeline. If it were me, I would have packed her things up and taken them to the OM's front doorstep. Then I would have called her to say where they were.
I think it's the brazen acts of the man that get her excited. Personally I think you need to be more aggressive and get your balls back from her purse.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Where do I find the Protection Phase letters? Penny's site
Originally Posted By: WhatNow
NO propositions. She ends contact, writes a letter to OM saying such, and goes to CT w/ you or she gets out! THAT IS IT! No negotiations.
WhatNow, pardon my ignorance, but when you say "goes to CT" do you mean to go with me to get a protection order against the OM?
Sorry, I meant couples therapy. A protection order isn't a bad idea...at least for you, your home, and your kids. Can you do that? How does that infidelity law work? (3 years in jail certainly would fix her!lol)
Now here is my dilema and has been for quite some time. SHE WILL NOT LEAVE! And a Temporary Separation Order requires TONS of information, child custody info, division of property info, etc...It's a book. Do I just keep asking her to leave or what? I need help in this department.
I like the idea of leaving her bags on the door step or delivering them to OM. You may need to take some time off work.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
No, I don't like that idea of leaving them there... It isn't sending the right message, its just hurt and spite speaking there.
I would start packing them and I would talk to a lawyer about how much control you can have over the primary residence... I assume its in both your names right now so legally she may be entitled to a key.
Then again, you also said infidelity is a criminal act so... She may not want to push it...
But yes Ken, get your balls out of your wife's purse and use them for someting constructive... She's cooknig them up for breakfast right now...
You don't ASK her to leave, you talk to a lawyer and use EVERYTHING YOU HAVE to GET HER TO CHOOSE to leave...
Pack her things and put them outside... start packing her things... Stop waiting for HER to do everything... ACT
Nothing much new to post. My wife continues to look for look for an apartment. My 3yo D cried when I left for work this morning and I cried a little on the way to work. I feel so much pain inside. I'm just devastated that my wife is actually choosing him over me and our family being together. All I wanted was for her to stop communicating with him. I told her this morning, "I'm not expecting you to leave - I'm only expecting you to choose between me and him." She said, "Yea, whatever."
I think I'm supposed to be "pushing" for her to leave, but its so hard to do.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I feel so much pain inside. I'm just devastated that my wife is actually choosing him over me and our family being together. All I wanted was for her to stop communicating with him. I told her this morning, "I'm not expecting you to leave - I'm only expecting you to choose between me and him." She said, "Yea, whatever."
I think I'm supposed to be "pushing" for her to leave, but its so hard to do.
1. Pain and tears are good Ken, it means youa re groing up... your emotional limitation is that you let your wife run roughshod over your marriage.. THAT is somthing YOU need to work on... Being a supplicating (love that word Pup, i keep using it all day, even at work lol) Yes-Man is NOT the way to a joyful marriage... your spouse needs to respect you as well as appreciate you... and you nodding at her every time she asks for something is not the route to happiness... it sa blance between teh two of you.. I think you are getting that now.
2. You are to be pushing her in TWO directions - Separation AND reconciliation... Right now she's been holding onto an open marriage and that is not healhty for YOU.. so you force her to choose :
a. Reconcilliation - by working hard at being a good husband, father, getting a GOOD FAMILY THERAPIST and GOING regularly... leading by example, speaking OUT AGAINST infidelity in your own home, and in the homes of otehrs and in your chuch as well
b. Separation - Distance yourself and your children from your wife's addiction and destructive meladrama... its NOT healthy for your kids or you.. and YOU and your kids did NOT INVITE that addiction into your home, your WIFE did... so you psuh her to leave and to take her self-destructive, rainbow chasing a$$ elsehwere until she grows up... If she loves those kids she will be crying too... push her as hard here as you do the one above.
You CAN push them both on her at the SAME TIME.. it is NOT a contradiction...
You need to pressure her in both these directions so SHE has to make a CHOICE.
And lastly ken, you are NOT and SHOULD NOT asking her to CHOOSE between YOU and HIM... STOP TELLING HER THAT
You are asking her to make a choice between a and b above - reiterated below :
a - Repairing a marriage and a family b - Destroying a marriage and escaping into fantasy
THAT is the choice she must make... STOP telling her she has to choose between you and this man...
I will quote Phil McGraw as well, just for clarify and some perspective :
From Phil McGraw : It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous comparison.
You are an educated Man Kan, If you read that carefully you can see A and B in there.. THAT is the choice your wife needs to make, it is NOT choosing YOU or HIM, it is choosing reality over fantasy... STOP enabling and MISINFORMING YOUR WIFE - you are DESTROYING YOUR OWN MARRIAGE when YOU DO THAT
You are doing good ken, but when you speak to yoru wife it is VITAL that you educate her properly...
She is giong to be miserable while you push her to choose between these two paths... Do NOT CATER to IT!!! Let her SULK all she wants... she is going to try sulking and will use anger to manipulate you... I a very concerned that you will CAVE to it and take her back blindly... do NOT DO THAT...
Your wife needs to cry and grow up too... tears aren't just pain Ken, they ar GROWTH... when she starts showing them you can let her cry and watch teh emotional growth start to happen.. until you see that start ignore her pouting... she's just resisting those two choices...
I say too damn bad... The time to chase rainbows is when you are four, not fourty... she needs to GROW UP.
Ken, I post this article often, but I will post it again because of its quality - its worth posting a million tims until everyone gets it
----------------------------- Love As An Excuse For Infidelity Penny R. Tupy 2003
So often in my work with spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair I hear the anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. Soulmates - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.
But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families.
The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous. As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.
The interesting thing about new infatuation/love is that we are blinded by the offensive or objectionable things at first. I think the pleasure of having needs met by someone new captures our attention to the point that we block out the less desirable traits. But like any addiction, what worked at first to create a high soon becomes not enough - we want more. When that happens in romantic relationships the irritating things seem to grow in proportion as the pleasure from getting needs met slackens. Unless real change takes place at this time - unless the real work of building a relationship kicks in - romantic love will wane.
This is when the instinct to demand more, to be rude or even to lose our tempers takes over. This is when the internal shift from, "You are so wonderful, what can I do for you," to "You aren't doing enough for me and I'm not willing to do anything for you - you jerk," occurs. This is where real marriage happens, when we move from - feeling like it- to making the commitment to doing what it takes to craft a truly connected and compatible relationship. This is where real love is grown.
For those, who have never honored commitment when the going got tough this is where they begin to bail. So, yes, I am sure that affair partners are in love. Does that mean it's the right place for them or that they have met 'the one'? Of course not. It means that they are in the habit of going for the feeling rather than committing to doing the work of making a truly successful relationship. Unless something greatly changes for these men and women, they will do the same again, and again. They will not find lasting happiness until they get it that marriage is more than feeling. Being in love is important, but staying there is what separates the men from the boys.
Be an advocate for marriage. When you hear of infidelity, take a stand. Refuse to condone affairs and "friendships" that threaten the integrity of the marriage bond. Educate your friends and families on the seriousness of becoming involved outside the marriage. Love is not an excuse for betrayal and abandonment. Love based on that foundation is like a house built on sand.
