Okay, I do have a question about this. He's said it twice now, that I just don't seem to care that he's gone. Once was when I was trying to diffuse & said, "I understand why you would be upset." His response was, "that the point! You're not upset at all!"
And again yesterday, when I wasn't arguing with him (which did happen, briefly) or when I was validating some of the things he was saying, he got upset and would make comments about how he wasn't going to "fake being happy" or "pretend that everything is fine".
You confused him... changed the rules on him.. he expected one thing from you, and you changed it up..
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Does he want me to feel like crap? Does he think that seeing me crushed is going to make him feel better?
In my opinion, yes he does at first.. because then he feels justified in all that he is doing.. then the guilt sets in because deep down the feelings may still be there.. When they see you strong and happy that makes them doubt themselves.. and they don't want to go there.. because that means they have to look at themselves.. and they are doing everything they can not to have to...
Just my take on the above... FWIW
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
The MLCer will take that statement and hear “I need…and you are not meeting those needs. You have failed. “
Then they will lash out, possibly pointing out your shortcomings, to show you how YOU failed as well.
They will come up with reasons that they were unable to meet your needs, and most of those excuses will somehow place the blame squarely on your shoulders.
What is said and what they hear in their head are going to be very different.
Additionally, stating you need anything from them, financially, emotionally, physically, makes them feel pressured…
When the MLCer feels pressure, they will lash out…
It is better with an MLCer, to not have this sort of conversation at all, until they have really begun to come out of the tunnel.
So, while it may seem like there is nothing to argue about, in their minds, there is…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
another take on your son not wanting to talk to his dad isn't that he is angry...just that he doesn't want to talk to him
be careful of putting your emotions onto your children
do you want to talk to people all the time I don't it has nothing to do with being angry and everything to do with just doing something else or simply not being in the mood
ask a teenager how his day was and I bet you get a grunt doesn't mean they are mad just that their mind is occupied elsewhere
I knit. And crochet. And read. Other than that, I don't remember.
Time to start remembering...dear...GAL'ing is going to be key for you.
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It's been so long since I've done anything for myself.
It is a good time to start. In this processing you really need to take care of yourself. Your mental well being is the most important thing right now.
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So...being strong without being a b!tch. That's a goal.
Interesting goal.
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I need to let go & just roll with the punches.
If you are control freak like I was, this is going to take some serious work but can be done. At some point just know that you will get to a point where you accept that the feeling of control you have is really not control at all.
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So my work order for me is
~Be strong without be abrasive. ~Not try to control things I have no control over, and have no business trying to control ~Not just not say mean things, but don't think them either. Give people the benefit of the doubt more. ~Stop becoming overly involved in someone else's problem.
Sorry if this is a stupid question....but why do you want to work on the above? Really why?
[quote]Speaking of emotions... [quote] Oh yes…those damn emotions….they always get in the way don’t they. Just remember that emotions and feelings are temporary and can TEACH YOU a lot about yourself. For me, I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut (or as Mach would say..pour myself a large glass of STFU) and really examine WHY I feel a certain way. What thing “triggered” this feeling? Why did it “trigger” it? As Mach said in an earlier post…the answers and the solution to ALL of your questions is in YOU.
Shelbel – you sound a lot better today. Keep posting and keep reading. Keep your head up. On small piece of advice that I have would be to…be gentle on yourself. We often make mistakes in this process and then beat ourselves up for sometime days (in my case it felt like weeks) – you will make some mistakes…learn from them. As Mach posted, take time to absorb that advice that you are receiving. Remember…every case is different..every case.
Finally, regarding the kids...just be there for them. Try and keep them out of this as best you can. Be the best parent you can be and leave the rest to God.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
