The check-up itself went well. Turns out bub has swivelled around to the back a bit, which means I am typing this post on all-fours on my floor trying to get her to right herself, ha!
H arrived before I did. I was upbeat and smiley, wished him a happy birthday, and he complimented me on how slim and good I was looking (yeah, I've only put on 3 kgs throughout this pregnancy due to stress, can you beleive it?).
The checkup was straightforward and H was acting normal. Didn't catch his expression when we heard the heartbeat, but it doesn't matter because I think it would mean not much anyway. He commented 'wow, it's beating so fast' and that was about all. I guess most H's are a bit redundant in these check-ups. It's all about the preggy lady.
After I had to get a blood test to see if my iron levels were OK. Told H he didn't have to stay, but he accompanied me which I thought was nice.
Conversation was a bit stilted. I really feel there is little to talk about these days since all the important issues are 'taboo' or lead to him shutting down. He didn't offer much conversation.
Post blood-test, he didn't mention having that coffee, so I just said I wanted a take away coffee (!) and he accompanied me and we walked outside. He started to moan a bit about a few things (money mainly, plus something unimportant about his brother) and by then my patience was wearing thin... I think I just wasn't enjoying his company... and, so of course, I 'slipped' a little into my lecturing ways (cringe) said it was unreasonable to talk about his brother that way since he was doing all the things you should be doing right now.
I know, bad bad bad!
Then I said (yes, I went on!) that i was tired of his words and it was about time he showed some action to help me, that i didn't agree to have this baby alone, it was his reponsibility too.
He said, 'i am trying my best'. and i said 'ok, i believe you'.
He left like a schoolboy with his tail between his legs.
3kg-- is that 6 pounds, Piano? Oh my God! I thought I was weighing in small with a 17 pound weight gain, but. . . wow. It is such a stressful time, though, I totally understand it.
What the Psych said is very interesting. I have heard from others something similar-- personality disorder. That's very scary stuff. My mom actually has one (borderline), but she is 100000000x worse than WH. Yeah, my mom is totally different from WH. So I don't know what I think about that.
It is SO my WH to want to talk about himself to me. (Or at least, the 'crazy' self.) If/when we are in contact, he'll do the same thing your WAH just did. But to say something not-great about his brother, the BIL? That's just low. Of course he could be slightly jealous. Or just trying to find support from you. Who knows?
What do they mean when they say 'trying my best'?
Sorry coffee was not that great. How were you for the rest of the night knowing it was his birthday?
Wow so much to comment on. Before I forget, the low weight gain is a blessing- I know stress isn't good- but you don't need one more thing (weight loss) to deal with after the birth with all this mess!
The psychologist- I am skeptical! Does she know how people act when they are having an affair? (seriously many psychs are just not specialists in infidelity)And you have been with WH for quite awhile, enduring other stressful events I am sure! Don't you think you would have seen a hint of his "personality disorder?" Does the psych believe in MLCs because your H is probably going through one! Get a second opinion, Piano!
Crying- yep- my mom told me she thought WH crying was all about himself. I didn't understand and she said she thinks crying means "poor me!I feel so bad!" because he wasn't crying and ending the A. Actions=remorse! (like your psychologist said)
The appointment-do you mean your baby is breech? Feet first?
Coffee- I kind of think that talking to the psych beforehand probably put a negative spin on things. Of course I would have totally been put over the edge hearing him complain about HIMSELF and his money issues??? Excuse me? You are going through a hell of a lot worse BECAUSE OF HIM! So no 2x4s here for speaking the truth! You even apologized later- not necessary but very kind of you :-)
When he said "I am trying my best" and you said "I believe you" was that the truth? Do you think he is trying his best? I am just curious!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Hi! I didnt mean to imply H had some sort of official Personality Disorder.. more than his selfishness and throwing off of responsibility was probably just a part of his personality & that it was exhibiting itself very dramatically today. The psych was trying to help me understand his behaviour. NM, no, she's not a specialist in inifidelity but works in the mother/baby unit at the hospital - they're there for women in precarious situations who are having or had a baby.
But I took what she said on board, and added the A to that myself.
I have always thought Hs behaviour stems from two problems: fear of fatherood/responsibility (husband+father = cannot be happy) and the A. The A just compounds the first problem and gives him the escape (husband+father=can't be happy, so have an A so he can say "I'm a Good Guy, Not Like My Runaway Dad, I'm Just In Love with Someone Else".) Does that make sense?
I think the two appointments back to back was not great, because by the time of the blood test I had been there around 2.5hrs and was getting tired.
I do think in some ways H is doing his best because at the moment I see him as totally limited. I also know that telling him he is useless just makes him more useless. He really feels inadequate, I think. Problem is he is also stubborn. Trying to figure out how to be non-threatening so he has the confidence/space to do better.
Coddling, I know, but I think left to his own devices he will keep running.
Surprisingly I wasn't too upset last night that it was his 40th. I felt sorry for him, and not for me.
Last but not least (!) the baby is heading into a head first but back to back position, which makes it hard to come out. They are not 100% sure, though...
I'm a Good Guy, Not Like My Runaway Dad, I'm Just In Love with Someone Else-- that's probably exactly what he thinks!
My WH's is:
I'm a Good Guy, Not an Abandoner, I'm Just Being True to Myself!
(And maybe there's an A too, of course.)
Really, I think that's right on the nail.
Yes, they are no doubt being totally selfish, immature, and narcissistic! No doubt. The question is were they (talking about your WAH and mine here) always that way? Did we just overlook it? Did we just think it was normal? Or is a certain amount of selfishness/immaturity in most people? Or is this just something called MLC/breakdown?
Yeah, I do think both of our WAHs are very limited in what they can do for us. But why? (I know you don't have the answer, I'm just theorizing here.) Because they're mentally ill at this time, perhaps. Because they don't and have never cared about any one else, maybe. Or something in between.
And what does 'trying my best' mean? That he wants to help? That he cries about it? That he feels bad? That talking to us is taking so much energy and effort that it's the best they can do?
Phew, okay. I guess I'm still carrying over some anger from my own sitch!
Oh, I wanted to add-- your WH is stubborn. I'd say mine is too, PLUS rebellious. Especially against his parents. Not sure if your WAH has anything to rebel against, but I totally see it with mine.
I'm glad that you felt sorry for him. That's right.
And last and not least at all, I hope the baby rotates!
I should probably go do some yoga and deep breathing. . .
I'm a Good Guy, Not Like My Runaway Dad, I'm Just In Love with Someone Else--
Piano I think you pegged your H!ESCAPING through an A.I want to check out saffie's story bc her H was in an affair for 18 months...and now they are piecing.
My WH thinks this:
Quote:
I'm a Good Guy, I'm Just In Love with Someone Else--
and would add "but I think I'm messed up"
I think all of our Hs are escaping...with or without an affair!
So your baby is "sunny side up?" head first, but lying on her back? I remember my S totally moving a lot the last couple weeks, like twisting and turning!so perhaps your little girl will move still, too!
Hey if you end up needing a c-section, don't worry; my friends who have had one were all able to nurse still!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
"I'm a Good Guy, Not Like My Runaway Dad, I'm Just Being True to Myself and I'm In Love with Someone Else"
^^ There. That's my WAH.
I added the 'true to myself' because it's been his mantra also.
G- were they always that way? I suspect so, and I suspect I overlooked it, normalised it, made excuses. It just never manifested SO LARGE before.
I don't think they are mentally ill. I think they are deficient, and 'in crisis'.
"Tyring my best" ... I am struggling to answer this one... I am not sure what he means by it.. comes closest to your "That talking to us is taking so much energy and effort that it's the best they can do?", . Since he arrived, H has always told me how busy and tired he was/is, as a way of not calling me, seeing me, interracting with me.
In previous times, H has only ever been so busy and tired when it comes to his mum. Now it's me and his mum in the same basket. He is NEVER busy and tired for anyone else. 'Busy and tired' is a way of saying 'you're an emotional drag/load for me. Get out of my sight".
My H is also stubborn and rebellious - e.g his comment "I am prepared to lose everyone over this".
NM, yes the A is just an add-on, and in both our sitchs means our H's can just dig their heals in further and escape easier. And it gives society a 'digestible excuse' for their abandonment, cos society is thesedays primed to think it's possible and even OK that someone can falls in love with another person - you know, the old "these things just happen" line. ARGH!
Whereas G, your man, does not have that alibi!!
He left a wife and unborn child to 'find himself'.
NM, bub seems to be sunny side up and I felt massive swivelling as you say, when she did it. I hope she swivells again before birth or during it! I have been looking up Optimal Foetal Positioning to sit the correct way.
