The book is completely obviously written with both men and women's POV. It is a cycle--men need respect, women need love.
But the book also says to break the cycle takes only one person.
Which person? The one with the most maturity.
I'm going to have to put that one next in line, then. I haven't read it. I was so mad at H's interpretation of it that I would have much rather chucked it at his head.
Quote:
MLC…is not for the faint of heart that is for sure…
I hope as you learn more, you will understand a little more the early posts you received…
Yeah...ummmm...
I went through the earlier posts. It's amazing how the sound of H's hateful tone from the night before can temper almost everything you hear/read. I did what someone suggested & turned off the mean voice in my head and reread them.
Oh.
Dear.
I can see how they were not meant with the animosity I'd read into them.
Mach, I do apologize for the flaming come back. It was not warranted.
fwiw--it was a good lesson to check the emotion-adding filter in my brain at the door before I interact with H anymore. The last thing I need to do is make mountains out of molehills. Especially when there are so many other mountains to deal with.
Speaking of emotions...I haven't cried this much since the night he left. I understood the reality three weeks ago. I've just realized the levity of that reality.
Marked, I think I'm going to need a little schooling myself. Thank you for the link.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
hey shelbel, sending some virtual hugs your way. those days of crying and being down in the dumps are the worst and i can imagine you're feeling a whole lotta mixed emotions. don't beat yourself up about it cause we're all human! maybe not our spouses, though, since they seem to be aliens right now.
it does get better as so many people attest to. we're here to support you and listen.
if you don't mind one piece of small unsolicited advice...really heed the advice of no R talks...they really are flame to the fire. if you want to care for your hubby, don't talk about the R cause it takes him to a bad place. if you want to care for yourself (which you should!), then don't talk R, cause it just puts you in the pits and that sucks for you. so it's a win-win. i know...easier said than done...but possible!
I'm not sure he wants to talk to me about anything, including the R. From what I've read here, when it's time to drop off/pickup our children I should just be cordial, but not overly involved, right? Like I was having a brief interaction with someone at the grocery store. I wouldn't ask the man who grabbed the last can of baked beans wth he thought he was doing, right? Same thing here, friendly, not pushy, not nosy, not overly involved.
What do I say to him if he asks about me, though? Same thing? Like the guy who grabbed the baked beans turns to me & asks how I'm doing or what I've got planned for this weekend? The chances are it's small talk, he's trying to smooth over the awkwardness of the situation, and not ready to talk about dating or moving in together. Am I on the right track here? Don't read anything into anything?
There was a message on the answering machine from H last night, he'd called to talk to the kids. I dialed the number, handed the phone to S6 & got busy doing other things. i peeked my head out as S2 was talking, just to make sure he hadn't laid the phone down somewhere. S8 came to me, handed me the phone & said that S2 had accidentally hung up before he'd had the chance to talk.
"Okay, here, I'll just hit redial." "That's okay." "It's not a problem, S." "No, mom. It's okay." "You don't want to talk to your dad?" "Not right now."
I could feel one of the jagged pieces of my heart break a little further.
Is that normal for a kid that young to already be so mad that he doesn't want to talk to his dad? I'm not discouraging a relationship with him--they know that they are never going to have to choose sides.
It just hurts seeing him upset.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Okay, I do have a question about this. He's said it twice now, that I just don't seem to care that he's gone. Once was when I was trying to diffuse & said, "I understand why you would be upset." His response was, "that the point! You're not upset at all!"
And again yesterday, when I wasn't arguing with him (which did happen, briefly) or when I was validating some of the things he was saying, he got upset and would make comments about how he wasn't going to "fake being happy" or "pretend that everything is fine".
Does he want me to feel like crap? Does he think that seeing me crushed is going to make him feel better?
He is most likely going to behave like an emotional teenager. You are going to hear all sorts of things. It's up to you to take a HONEST look and see if what he is saying holds any truth.
You have to remember that right now he will do whatever it takes to avoid dealing with his issues and coming to terms with himself. MLC'ers behave much like addicts. Speaking of which, I do agree with Fig. (I missed the part about possible drug use) You need to find out for sure and stand firm on that one.
With that being said. "Does he want you to feel like crap?" Deep down.... No, however when you act strong, confident, friendly and respectable it makes it difficult for him to project these issues of his on to you. I'm not going to say it forces him to take a look in the mirror because that one is ALL on him, but it does make it more difficult for him to place the blame onto you. You're not playing the game.
He will also most likey say and do things to get you to react. He will push your buttons and try to keep you involved in the turmoil. Take your buttons away and take a step back.
So, in a strange way they don't like to see us strong, happy and living life. They like to play the victim and when you don't play the game, chances are you will be met with some anger and more craziness.
Keep your focus on you and your children, stay strong and remain lovingly detached.
All kids are different MY s8 also seems to have no connection to his dad my d15 seems to miss him much more than s so each are different Just try to be there for support they know we are there it is sad for our children but hopefully just like us they will be stronger in the end and more compassionate peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I'm not sure he wants to talk to me about anything, including the R. From what I've read here, when it's time to drop off/pickup our children I should just be cordial, but not overly involved, right? Like I was having a brief interaction with someone at the grocery store. I wouldn't ask the man who grabbed the last can of baked beans wth he thought he was doing, right? Same thing here, friendly, not pushy, not nosy, not overly involved.
Correct. Friendly without pressure or pursuit.
Quote:
I could feel one of the jagged pieces of my heart break a little further.
Please be careful here. It is exteremly easy to take the stance of " your not going to do this to MY children!!!" You do need to protect the kids, however it becomes awfully easy for you to use this as justification for YOU to stay angry with him. Yes it's tough and NO the children don't deserve any of this. Do your best to there for them. They really need you right now. Don't use them to stay angry at your H.
"H, I need a man who takes care of himself so he can be a good father and husband".
Commit to memory. Use when you can.
My heart breaks for the children...
Commit to memory and keep mouth closed. LOL
He knows this. Deep down he probably feels confused and guilty about this as well. The mind of a MLC'er is a complete mess. Wanna see him get defensive and lash out at you because of all of his guilt? Then tell him this, tell him something is wrong with him and see how he reacts.
