screwing up big time and need help

[sandi2]

I know of few things that can cause a man to feel like he is not taking care of his family "like a man" when he is disabled. People can't help being in chronic pain but it still hurts his male pride. We women just think we are "dealing" and doing whatever needs to get done the quickest or best way. We can actually get into the habit of forgetting our H's imput on things.

As I have told some folks, we women have to "let" him be the head of the home. In other words, we give him that place. It is a grave responsibility but if he wants to be the leader, then you are blessed. I know it's hard, but you can learn how to do it.

[newmama]

I think men need work (women do too!!) and he needs to find a job in some form, even working from home, which will help his confidence.

Meanwhile, elvencat, I think timeheals is right and that is why you should do your 180s and try to detach more than trying to help your H get his sh!t together. Let's say you compliment him a little for some of his contributions. Well meanwhile you totally worry about yourself because he is having an affair.

[elvencat]

Thanks for the reminder. You are right that I have to believe that he has reasons other than spending time with me to go out.

It's really hard to remember that.

I just wish I could figure out a way to bust the A, but at this point I don't have any good ideas. So... detaching is where this is heading, but it is going to be so hard for me. Again, I think it'll start with boundaries and I have to sit down and figure out what those need to be.

Edited to add:
As for the job, he's already been thinking about it, but he's done that before and tried and given up when his mental disorder symptoms got out of hand. He wants to write, but he hasn't done anything really about it yet. I'm just going to have to step back and let him figure it out on his own, and worry about myself like you all have said. *SIGH* I'm not used to worrying about myself much. It's going to be a long road. But no matter what happens with H and me, I know at least on my part, it will be worth it.

[elvencat]

So, I'm something of a perfectionist and love using outlines. Here is my current plan. Any and all comments appreciated. Thanks!

IMMEDIATE NEEDS

step 1: Become Self-Sufficient - goals to be completed by 5/15

a. moving into MIL's rental house by end of next week.
1. get mini fridge and microwave moved in.
2. clean main living area, rest of cleaning can be done after move in.

b. Apply for temporary aid till I can get my finances worked out

c. search help ads and apply to jobs - Minimum goal of 5 applications by end of next week.

step 2: Actions toward my H to be changed immediately, and ongoing:

a. stop pursuing behavior
1. no asking for him to spend time with me
2. no texting or calling him unless it's about DD or an emergency type sitch
3. be polite and friendly in convos, but don't try to keep them going needlessly
4. no initiating spouse type touching- hugs, hand holding, cuddling, etc...

b. stop behavior that is either controlling or can be perceived as controlling.
1. no questioning on whereabouts
2. no questioning who he is talking to on the phone
3. no questioning on planned activities unless it impacts DD
4. no making decisions that will involve H without his input
5. no taking over care of DD if H is trying unless he asks for help
6. no demands for his time

c. create an atmosphere that will allow H to feel important in our relationship
1. encourage H to take on care of DD more often
2. request input on decisions that would have an effect on all of us
3. ask for assistance when needed, but not under false pretenses
4. thank H for extra help instead of taking assistance for granted

step 3: GAL

a. be mysterious and look good doing it
1. start an exercising regemine
2. start caring about what I wear
3. get a new hair style

b. find activities out of the house
1. martial arts (when money allows)
2. volunteer at local no-kill animal shelter
3. go to the local park and enjoy the outdoors
4. find a special interest group to join


THINGS TO BE AWARE OF

step 4: Monitor results of Action Changes and GAL

a. is H asking q's and paying more attention?
b. is H pursuing?

step 5: consult a L to be prepared in case we legally separate or divorce

a. find family law attorney with free first consult
b. create a list of questions before consult to be prepared
c. find legal help for low income families

LAST RESORT

step 6: Go dim/dark if H continues to put OW's needs and demands for time ahead of family's needs.

a. return to steps 5 and 6.

(Note: Any kind of request for H to voluntarily quit all communications with OW would result in an immediate backslide and be perceived as controlling behavior at this time. Will monitor results of other actions before attacking EA.)

[newmama]

WOOOOOOW!! What a super organized and specific plan!Bravo! I think others should copy and paste yours and then change the details to match their sitch....

Do you have a deadline for when you will go dim if H doesn't stop communicating with OW? I suggest a rough time frame for now (3 months???) but then you can adjust that later too! And maybe the vets have a better idea. Based on my gut, I think that when you notice your H starting to pursue you again there should be some discussion about MC and ending the EA....

[elvencat]

Oh, yeah, thanks NM for the timeline reminder on going dim. 3 months sounds like a decent time frame. Enough time to get settled into the house and into a new routine. And if H does start giving indications of wanting to work on the relationship instead of divorce, then I agree it would definitely be appropriate to talk about MC and the EA.

And thanks on the compliment. I always have seemed to be able to put together a list like that for other people, but this is the first time I've ever done a plan like that for myself. It felt somewhat empowering!


Edited to add:
Letter a after Step 6 should say return to steps 4 and 5. Forgot to edit Step numbers when I combined a couple items.

[elvencat]

Today has been an odd day. We got an extra payment (backpay) on our DD's SSI we weren't expecting, so I got my tire fixed on my car this morning. When I got home, H asked if I'd like to go to a movie. I was surprised because I'd told him (during my unfortunate outburst last week) that he better not ask to spend time with me out of pity or a sense of guilt. I agreed and we went to the theater, but they were so busy H decided he couldn't handle the crowd. Now this has happened before, but usually that meant we'd just visit a couple of stores and go back home. Today, however, he asked if I'd like to eat lunch out instead. I said sure and we went to a sit-down restaurant. We had a decent time, but I think we both were a little too obvious in being careful about the convos we were having.

On the way home, he asked what kind of arrangement I'd made with his mom regarding rent on the house. I said "we've worked things out to not make it difficult on either of us. Don't worry about it." He got annoyed that I wouldn't asnwer his question, but I felt he didn't need to know right now because he doesn't have intentions of moving into the house with me. Let him wonder.

When we got home, he surfed on his computer and I surfed on mine, but we chatted back and forth at each other for a while. Every once in a while he'd slip in a comment about me moving into the other house and I'd kind of blow off the comments without really answering anything. I couldn't tell if he was fishing for info about when I'd be moving, or fishing for info on what I'd be doing once I moved.

So, this evening I'm heading over to the rental to do some more cleaning to get closer to my goal. H doesn't know I plan to be moved in by next Friday yet. I think I'll spring it on him the night before, but I'm not sure.

[newmama]

Hmm, elevencat, I think there are (at least) 2 possible things going on:

1) your H is responding to your changes! KEEP THEM UP- but I have learned from watching others' threads that there is no quick overnight change around...it takes months,not weeks! But you want to see results to know if your plan is working of course! So the signs of him wanting to go to a movie, then wanting to eat lunch with you, then choosing conversation that is polite instead of him acting distant or being a big baby (lol!) are all good don't you agree?

2) I am suspicious about him asking about you moving out. The optimist in me wants to think "he is trying to see if she is bluffing or if she really will go through with it so he is testing her reaction- he doesn't want her to move out!"

but, sadly, the pessimist in me (and I AM jaded) worries that he wants to know when the house will be free so he can have OW over.

Elvencat please find reasons to shoot down #2! I WANT to be wrong!

[Awoken]

Elvencat,

I just wanted to chime in on what a great, detailed list of goals you posted! I especially like the "to be completed by" part. It's very positive too. It made me feel good just reading it, so congrats!

on Step3b4: find a special interest group, you might consider using meetup.com to find some groups to participate in.

[elvencat]

Thanks for the comments Awoken. And after re-reading my plan, I realized I needed to have put the date completed for this coming Friday.. lol and I thought I did proofreading. And I've checked out meetup.com. It might be a good idea for me. Thanks!

NM- I'm glad you think the changes have been working so far. And I, too, wonder about the possibility of him spending more tme with OW, but here's what I've noticed so far: he has actually been spending less time meeting up with her! He hasn't been meeting her during the day, and in the past week, he hasn't gone over there as much in the evenings. Of course, this could be mere coincidence, so I'll have to keep monitoring, but I have hope.

So, I'm getting closer to my deadline on getting into the house. I applied for aid, and have viewed job openings (haven't found much, but something is better than nothing), and I'm cleaning the house.

We had quite a bit of stuff in storage from when we moved from our 2-bedroom apt into the basement apt before DD was born. And now that is all moved into the house. I have so many boxes to go through it is unreal. I'm going to have a huge yard sale when I'm done! But the reason this is important is that tonight I wanted to go to the house to work, but I knew DD would want to come with me and she'd be a little too helpful. I decided to ask H if he wanted to come and keep DD occupied so I could sort things. He actually agreed! It was a rather nice time, even though I was doing something I dreaded. I got H's input on what to keep and what not to keep, and he got to play with DD where he didn't feel overwhelmed with taking care of her. And at one point he called me Hon.... something he hasn't done in a very long time.

I can't get my hopes up too much, but I'm starting to see behavior changes in him that I didn't expect to. And I'm changing my behaviors myself. I didn't realize how combative I was being until I started watching my own actions so closely.