The Court of King Caractacus

[lees]

I feel quite apathetic today. Am having a paperwork day, but not managed yet to do any work. Just sorted out a few home related admin things and spent ages reading on here looking for some hope.

I'm miserable. I feel almost totally hopeless about my sitch. I need to rant, so here it is:

I'm finding it difficult to think positively about saving our M at the moment. I can't do it alone and why would she bother? No kids, not together for many years like most on these formus. Not sure she's having an MLC at tender age of 32. Still young enough to pick ourselves up and carry on to the next one. She's clearly not interested in any way in saving it, and continues to say "I'm in love with OM, our marriage was a mistake." The only slight positive from the discussions with the sMIL (see last page of sitch thread) was that apparently she never once said a negative word about me in their short discussion. But she did spend her time saying she didn't owe me anything and didn't see why she should pay the money she owed me. Good on sMIL for hammering her on that one. Do I really want someone who's family thinks is incapable of a long term committed relationship? Maybe they are right after all. Hell, she couldn't be bothered to work on a marriage of only 6 months, despite having talked the talk of "divorce isn't an option" for so long before it.

I wish I could get past my own damn romantic ideals and beliefs about marriage being for life. I wish I could take that quaich, all those photos and the rest of the other wedding paraphenalia down to either the shop or the dump. But I don't seem to be able to do so. I think it is mostly just nostalgia. I wish it would go away.

I don't believe in any higher powers whom I can 'hand my situation over to.' There's just me. And I am just ticking along passing time and managing to have fun for me. It feels like it has nothing to do with saving my marriage. I don't believe it will. It will make me feel better, and make me more interesting to the next person, which is incredibly unlikely to be the woman I first married.

I have lost my faith in karma. I've been to hell and back. I've crawled back to the surface, I've picked myself up and carried on. I've been so low I considered suicide. The STBXW does not appear to have felt any consequence, despite the exposure, and the disgust of her family. Despite my GAL, losing weight, looking good and holding my head high. I feel like she has got away with it all without batting an eyelid, scot free. She has done none of the hard work, and yet still appears to be happy and having all the fun.

I feel there is nothing more I can do. We are separated, totally NC, I am dating. I'm trying to drop the rope. Either I'm doing it right, or there's nothing new to suggest.

JacT - I admire your perseverance, how did you salvage things first time around? I've read far too many sitch on here probably - if only my research paper had recieved so much attention! There are many, many which don't work out. There are the odd few that do. And we're really a self selecting group aren't we - I wonder how many others never get here and fall apart privately. I imagine many more than fix things.

Your H sounds like a jerk. Especially to ignore his own daughters. You are stronger than I to have gone through so much and still be positive and provide so much support to others.



And now I feel guilty for being so disparaging about it all when I've had support and advice from lovely people on here. Thanks all, I don't mean any offence. I'm just struggling today.