Thanks for your insight into the journey both you and your H have taken.
I too have been able to stand back and watch my H moving through his tunnel. I feel his deep depression, his pain and confusion about where he is. I also feel the guilt he has when he looks at his children and sees them in crisis as a result of what he has done to travel his journey. As you have pointed out his memory is atrocious and we frequently have the same conversation but he can remember vividly conversations and things that happened in the '80's.
My journey is just as interesting. I have had to learn patience by the bucket load. As a nurse I am used to fixing people but I have had to stand back and let him fall without me stopping him. Thats a complete 180 for me! Many times I want to hold his hand and help but I know I can't. I am also at peace with myself. I had lost me in the years being a wife and mother. I now believe that if H hadn't left I may never have have found 'me' as much as I have now. I have forgiven myself for my part in the marriage break up and also my H for his affair.
I continue to watch and wait and pray that my H continues to move along his tunnel. I hope he finds the happiness and peace that has alluded him since his childhood. Ultimately I hope that he looks and sees the love for him in the family and decides to come home. That is his choice and I know I have no influence when it comes to that choice.
Thank you for your continuing insight, support and advice.
