WAH and LBW separated and dark

[theGoodGirl]

"the only implicit boundaries i've set are that when you ask for a divorce, we can't be friends."

So.. then why are you here? He has asked for a D.. you have signed the papers.. and it is just a matter of time.

the papers haven't been signed yet.
the Ls are still working out the separation agreement.
i think h has to complete the paperwork for the d himself and he can pay the fees himself. i don't know if i have to sign anything. i haven't been served with d papers. i really don't know how the process works.
it's the blind leading the blind.

Is this not negotiable.. like the "asking for D" statement?

infidelity is not negotiable.

I don't know.. my code seems much more clear to me.. than what you say sometimes.

i apologize if i seem vague.
i hold back on things because i fear my h lurking.
i think he is aware of this site and my concern is that he is trying to thwart my db-ing efforts.

I expect you to understand some things. I think that simply because you were smart enough to find this place. You understood that it could very likely help you. I expect that you have done your homework.

i've read a lot of threads. i read the db book. i have not read the dr book yet.
i understand the concepts. i read the threads to see if the concepts are practical and whether they really work in helping folks save m's. the more i read, the less confident i felt.
people were going dark, doing 180s, GAL-ing .. all for what? were m's being saved? no. these concepts were really to save the LBS from the grip of depression. yeah, they walked away with a new lease on life and ready for a new r.
me? i'm not looking to make me better for the next r. i want to make me better for the r that i had with my h.
i feel hopeful one day and then i read a thread about how they've tried and is still headed for d. and i wonder whether i am just fooling myself.

From my point of view.. you walked into this whole D thing with your head down.. and having no clear understanding of where you were going.

i won't deny that. my ic told me that it can only be saved if the two of you want to save it. it can't be saved when one of you wants to save it. but a d can happen if only one of you wants it. i don't have a say in it.

You have said.. that if it came to D.. you were done. He was out of your life.. and you would live happily ever after.. alone.

But.. "here" you are. Back-tracking. By posting you said.. "Help me save my marriage". Not only that.. you raised your hand and said I really need help.

we are still legally married. just separated.
when i raised my hand for help. i really wanted know:

a) this is my sitch. can it be saved?
b) what can i do to increase the odds of a reconciliation?
c) i have 8 months to work on me and transform me from this to a new GG.

i saw this separation period as a time to work on myself and i was having difficulties starting my "db" efforts. i don't mean the 180s or GAL-ing - those things change the outer appearance of a person. the part that i was really stuck on was the introspection. looking within myself and asking myself where did i go wrong? it was only after you started asking me questions and i felt like you were really trying to help me that i was willing to give you honest answers. if i thought your advice was hocus pocus, i wouldn't be this honest and i wouldn't be giving you so much information to work with. nobody has ever asked me why i wanted to save my m or why i felt this m made me a better me. it made me really think and get the wheels going.

i don't want my db effort to be about me. it's about my m - how to get it back. i know that if we end up d-ing, no amount of db-ing will lessen the heartache. it's like being amputated. life will go on and you'll live but a part of you will always be missing. things will not be the same and it won't be for the better. and don't say it will be because when was losing a limb better than being whole?

i know that d-ing doesn't necessarily lead to happiness. in fact, i've been told by some divorcees that they regretted jumping into d. they look back and think they should have fought to stay married. which is why i am fighting for my m.

when the fat lady sings, i'll go on my way. solo. until then, i need to figure out the inner me.

The best thing you can do is give me honest answers. I will return the favor by giving you my honest opinion. You can do whatever you want with my opinion.

i have been honest so far. i think i revealed more in your replies than i have elsewhere. i couldn't post this on the newcomers forum. i have read the posts there and i swear, if bummedout starts replying to my thread, i'll end the thread.

Yes. Right now and going forward.. you do nothing to move the D forward. Protect yourself.. but don't move forward with anything. From what I have read.. you seem satisfied with the terms of the agreement. So.. leave it at that.

the terms are being reviewed by both sides. i expect it to be done by the end of the month.

So.. what does that say to you? What is your job?

my job is to know my h.

"we were struggling to have children."

This is something to focus on. It is the one thing in your "we" statements that stood out. I don't want to know why.. it worked or didn't. But this has been a turning point in so many marriages. I suspect that is true here.

we wanted to start a family. h was sympathetic when we failed every month. but when he dropped the d-bomb, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to have kids. he felt he was too old for kids. and he was tired of putting up with my crying every month when we failed to get pregnant.

If you really look at the way you worded and "numbered" your statements.. you can "see" the decline.

1.. we were struggling to have children.
2.. we both neglected our m because chores, responsibilities got in the way.
3.. we moved from a big city to a smaller city - less things to do. life got boring.
4.. we spent too much time together and didn't have separate hobbies to work on. i understand that it is important to have individual time.
5.. we took each other for granted.
6.. we were no longer communicating effectively. this affected our sex life a great deal.

Kinda resembles a time line to me some.

i didn't do that on purpose. you told me to speak in terms of "we" so i did. and those were the things that came to mind.
what does that tell you?

I believe.. people "pay things forward". Or your actions speak louder than you words. It most likely has to do with me being a Physical LL guy. This.. is what you need to mimic.. in order to win. Not 100% sure how that translates to you in RL action.. but it seems to be the key for me in your "stitch".

i'm going to need a summary of everything.
i know i need to drop the snide look.
i need to stop seeing everything as an attack on me.
i need to take note of h's LL and apply when appropriate.
i need to show h the happy me. hopefully he doesn't think that i'm happier without him so d-ing is the right thing to do.
i need to look at myself and what i did to contribute to the r breakdown. try and work on those areas.

Right now.. I want you to focus on the here and now. You have got to find a way to pull your mind away from the stuff you are "learning". The general idea in my head is that the next time you run into him.. I want him to "see" a different person. You can't seem down.. you can't give him the "look".. you can't sigh in front of him.

i am trying to stay away from the negative threads here.
i am journaling my thoughts so i don't get any panic attacks.
i post on my thread to release any thoughts i have. this thread has been very helpful for my mental well-being.
i haven't had a panic attack in almost two weeks now.
and i will try to to appear happier next time i see him.

The road ahead.. even if he comes back.. is rough. Don't think for a moment that it will be easy.

i believe it. rebuilding trust doesn't happen overnight.

Lets leave it at that.. over the next week.. I want you to figure out a way to get yourself 10% more normal/relaxed. Find some stop signs for the idea you can't win.

i do want to continue taking yoga to relax myself. i do that on weekends but may want to do it during the week as well.

"And somehow, you have to speak his gift LL. I am not sure how to do it but really, really think about this one."

this one is tough. will require some creativity and thought.

thanks for giving me something to work on. i appreciate your advice. it seems more realistic and not pushy.

GG