BD your sitch is looking positive! After all, no OW, your H wants to talk to you and hang out...it is more than just being a dad!
Piano although my WH was excited to be a father, all I can say is that it didn't seem to make a difference regarding his A and our marriage. I hope you see what I am saying!
^^^^^ Exactly, NM. I totally see what you are saying.
G, hope the neighbourhood has calmed down! I think what worked was not replying straight away. Warmed him up a bit. Great comment about Skype. Too true :-)
Piano do you normally reply quickly to H? Interesting that delaying your email yielded such a warm response from him!
I am excited for your appointment with H and to hear about his reaction!
Will this be the first time he has heard the heartbeat?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Piano, Good Luck at the doc appt. I realize now that when H came to the doc appt with me last week, i never looked at his face when they listened to the heart beat... I wanted to... I bring my blackberry with me and record the heart beat... I cant say H had never heard it before bc I did send it to his phone... but i like being able to hear his heartbeat when I am home... definitely a pick-me-upper!
Do let him know that he can stay at your mom's house... you offer, and the rest is in his hands. I once told H, you need to learn to comminicate and fight for the role you wish to be in this baby's life... maybe you should do the same.
NM, I am usually very good at stalling my replies.. usually because I don't know what to reply, ha!
He heard the heartbeat once before. Anyways, loooooow expectations. I don't even know if I will accept to have coffee afterwards. What's there to say?
BD, I remember looking for Hs reaction when we found out the sex. He was moved, but, well, so what? Didn't change anything. I like what you told your H. BIL had a talk to me last night (might write more about that later) but my H has no idea how to be involved in the baby before it's born - he gets angry and says "but what can i DO? what can I DO?!".. I was thinking about it all night... and what I wanted to reply was 'get your a** over here and figure it out!", stop being a child and making excuses.
I don't even know if I will accept to have coffee afterwards. What's there to say?
Maybe he has something to say to you! I think you should go.... can you get to go cups so that you can get up and leave quickly if needed?
Yeah your H missed the boat on things he can do before the baby is born- he needed to take care of the mother of his baby, dum-dum!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
So, I met with my psych at the hospital before I was due to meet H for the check-up.
We were discussing the extreme nature of H's behaviour towards me - the shut down of emotion/compassion.
2 points worth sharing: I said apparently H cries at night or when he learns from a third party about my 'suffering'. She said crying is not remorse. True remorse is something else. People who feel remorse will face their 'victims' head on and acknowledge their pain, and may try to right it even. My H is not facing me (in fact he told me a few months ago he doesn't like seeing me because it means he has to face my pain). If he goes back to Europe, he will further escape facing it and the damage.
So conclusion - despite my H's crying, he is NOT remorseful for his behaviour.
I asked her what she thinks is driving H's 'extreme' behaviour - is he sick, or evil, or what?
She said that although she hadn't met him and so her diagnosis is already flawed from that perspective, she has enough experience to see his problem as neither a 'sickness' nor a 'depression', but as a kind of "personality" issue/disorder. She said sick and depressed people don't behave this way..they ususally feel remorseful for what they have done and beat themselves up that they are not doing better or the 'right' thing. With H, his selfishness and immaturity is revealing something is missing in his personal makeup/personality. This makes her very pessimistic about H's ability to change because "personality" issues cannot be treated as such, like a depression might be. He's probably had this personality problem all his life, the past 40 years, but it's just taken a major life event(s)(baby = more pressure) to reveal it. Until now, it hasn't been a huge promblem.
I know my WH thinks the same thing-- "what could i do?" and it is very cowardly. And mega-immature.
^^ This. Psych said this morning it is cowardly of H to sit there saying "but what can I do to help her?". It's so easy to find ways to help, you only have to use your brain, communicate, be motivated to do so.
She suggested driving me to appointments, organising and doing my shopping, paying my bills, setting up stuff. The list is endless. Being passive and saying "but what can I do?" is a cop-out.
