The MLC'er is way TOO close to what they are experiencing, and will deny what they are going through, no amount of arguing will convince them otherwise. I remember showing my husband Jim Conway's website, and a questionaire....he lied in answer to some of the questions, BUT he answered enough of them honestly to get a reading of a moderate crisis. He did ask me how long I thought he'd go through, and I guess I depressed him further, as I said I did not know.
The next day, he forgot that he even took the quiz, and declared he was NOT going through any kind of crisis..that my imagination was going wild.
I gave up after that.
The point is, they won't SEE they need help..you must continue to detach, and work on yourself...and commit your husband to the Lord to deal with...it is the ONLY way he might come through. God doesn't tamper with free will, but he WILL work within your husband's heart if you ask for that...pray without ceasing, let him go, work on you..understand this WILL take time to navigate.
You CANNOT doing ANYTHING to help him; at least for now, except pray for him and leave him be. The detachment from the kids and you is VERY normal. Assuming it reverses itself, you are last in line to be reconnected with. And it doesn't happen overnight. This takes awhile.
I can understand the depression you are feeling. There are not many who actually recognize when they go through a MLC..they are the ONLY ones who can fix themselves, and they have to be allowed the time needed to go through.
When the stage of Withdrawal is broken, that is usually the "prime" time of opening up, and doing some confessing, and apologizing for the damage that's done while they were deep within the tunnel. More MIGHT come later, during the settling down process that comes after the stage of Acceptance...then again, they might NOT say anything else, and you have to accept that you may NEVER know ALL they suffered or thought about while in there.
Their actions will tell you more as they progress along, finishing the transition/crisis.
There are SOME things best left unknown..it is enough to see the positive changes that should come about as they work their way forward into becoming what God meant for them to be in the later half of their lives.
I never talked about EVERYTHING I saw/felt while in my transition...I did not have to, I worked it all out within myself, and my husband never really asked me anything. On the other hand, he's also forgotten that I've gone through, and forgiven me for all the hateful things I said to him..I know, I asked him about that not long ago. He had honestly forgotten it ALL, was I surprised? No, time had done its work.
All of the rewriting of history they do is due to the "altered" reality they are experiencing due to the crisis, and the feelings it brings forth within them. They have to blame SOMEBODY, sadly it is the spouse who is there FOR them. In the early parts of this, they are NOT looking within for the answers that are there. They are too busy looking on the outside for "feel good" things, that lead to a dead end..but the pain is STILL there.
It is NOT until MUCH later, as they begin entering the final stages that they finally look within themselves for those answers..that's assuming they make it past Replay; which, I think is the halfway point of this crisis.
Pay attention to what the Lord shows you..the Lord is asking you to focus on YOU..and forgiveness is NOT for your husband; it is for YOU.
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My 2nd question is that 2nd quote. When you say if they don't face all the damage they have done, you can't go back after they start forgetting everything.....do you mean if we tell them the damage they've done? Or do they remember most of it for some period of time?
When a MLC'er exits the tunnel, there is a window of time..and I cannot say how long, it is different with each one, but the forgetting does begin and completes within them. Like I said, I did an experiment either 2 or 3 years after his exit, asked him some questions related to some things he did and said...I got a totally blank look, and then he insisted that he did NOT say some of the things he said. I know him very well, and actually COULD tell that he didn't have the foggiest idea of what I was talking about.
The depressive parts of this aid the forgetting they go through, but time does the rest after they come out, and no one is supposed to remember EVERYTHING they ever did..they are not meant to.
I did the same thing after I came out of my transition..some things I remembered, quite a bit I forgot.
When people are settling things within themselves, you won't always know what exactly is going on within them, as some of it is NEVER talked about....as I said, THEY have to be the one to fix, NOT YOU..you didn't break him and therefore you cannot fix him.
He MAY NEVER apologize for EVERYTHING he did while within the tunnel IF/WHEN he comes out. Everyone is different, and I can only speak from experience.
There will be things he will have already forgotten, because of the depression he's suffered.
You forgive, accept and heal, regardless of whether he talks about it or not. People have said to force them to talk, but you know, I didn't agree with that.
He did NOT really hurt me, he hurt HIMSELF, and it was enough that HE had to deal with the damage he did to himself and his marriage. I had NOTHING to do with that. I learned to separate the behavior from the person, and I also learned NOT to take anything personally. I learned to understand that this was HIS problem, and I wasn't going to make it mine.
I suffered NO lasting damage from this, and I'm serious when I say that. The healing that occurred within me came from having forgiven, accepted all that happened and somehow integrated it into my life. You cannot heal until you forgive and accept what's happened.
I said what I had to say as he was coming along in the finishing stages, when he was talking on his own(and we talked ALOT during that time) and let the rest of it go, in time healing from ALL of it.
I took whatever I could get as I watched him finish this out, and was there to help him. My expectations remained VERY low until I knew he was totally out.
I remember him being mentally weak, tired, and dealing with the finishing changes within...I simply worked with it; and he did become a better man than I'd known before.
Some things remained the same, while a great many things changed.
Patience is/was learned within this, and I had to have ALOT of it, while dealing with him going through.
I completely STOPPED trying to figure out what he was doing/why he was doing some of the crazy stuff he was doing, and just moved forward with my own life..detachment is a good tool. As long as I kept trying to figure out what he was doing, I was hindering BOTH of us from growing.
I HAD to let go, let God, and move forward on my own in the hopes that he would follow, and he did, but it took him awhile to do so.
Eventually, I found him stepping on my heels in a figurative sense...and I didn't even question that, just kept moving forward, trusting God with the outcome.
Hope this helps.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
