During packing for the move, I went through a lot of old pictures. So in that process, I have had a lot of time to reflect on the events they represent. And several points came to light and are still fresh on my mind.
I am still missing so many photos from our early M, when it was just me, her and my dog. I try not to concern myself with the fact that xW has retained all the photos of herself when we were still happily M'ed -- I can understand if she doesn't want me to have evidence of her and who she was from that period.
What I do miss are the pictures of my dog, Angus, from that time-frame. I have mentioned him before in my threads. Angus was our surrogate child for many years, and he was prevalent in LOTS of our pictures back then. I have pictures from before we got M'ed and after the separation, but barely any from during the M.
As for the couple of scant images of xW from that period that I do have, I look at these pics now and can only see a different person altogether. At most I see in these old photos the "good twin" -- who has since been erased and replaced by her "evil twin" of today, like in some cheesy sci-fi cliche. Or the changeling mythology.
But mostly it makes me think I am looking at someone who has died. I can't really seem to associate the past person with the current one anymore.
Maybe that is or is not a healthy way to learn to cope with a loss like that. I don't know.
Maybe in a couple months, a year or two, as time goes by, maybe she'll let you at least make copies of them, if not just have them?
I'm almost done reading a really good book, Custody Chaos, Personal Peace Sharing Custody with an Ex who drives you crazy by Jeffrey Wittman. It's the best I've read so far about parenting with an ex like ours. It seems very in line with DB philosophies.
I do think they've become different people. But all the more reason to move forward and live a better, healthier life. I think it's probably easier without a WAS...
Thanks for the book suggestion, Karen. I picked up some books I previously had on reserve at the library, and while I was there tried to look up the Wittman book. I couldn't find it, but I'll look elsewhere.
Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshak is another pretty good book on the subject (OT suggested that one to me.)
As for the couple of scant images of xW from that period that I do have, I look at these pics now and can only see a different person altogether. At most I see in these old photos the "good twin" -- who has since been erased and replaced by her "evil twin" of today, like in some cheesy sci-fi cliche. Or the changeling mythology.
But mostly it makes me think I am looking at someone who has died. I can't really seem to associate the past person with the current one anymore.
Maybe that is or is not a healthy way to learn to cope with a loss like that. I don't know.
I just want my pictures of my dog back.
I can relate. As I posted before I had a one-night pity-party, looked at 17 years of photos, packed them, and put them with X's boxes with a note thanking her for taking them but, "keep them or toss them as you see fit. I don't want any."
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I agree and see the point of your divesting yourself of photos of the ex. I have merely a handful of photos of the ex -- ones that slipped through her blockade somehow. Those I have sealed up in a box of other items of the past and put away in storage. My instinct is to jettison them with the sad memories they symbolize, but I have stayed my hand. The only reason to keep them is for my S's, as some day they might have want of them. One never knows.
But, as I said, there are some other photos, like those of my dog, that I'd also like to have -- preferably without images of the ex in them too.
I have mentioned Angus often to my S's -- since he was the sire of Duncan, the dog they did grow up with -- and want to have something as a keepsake for this lineage of family pets, now gone. For me as much as for them.
But I'm not holding my breath about ex. Some day she might soften up, but that's certainly not an occurrence I can pin any hopes upon. Now that the move is over and the packing/unpacking about wrapped up, I can let the thought of these photos go and put it out of my mind. For now anyways.
Then again, were I to receive such photos now, I would be faced with culling the ones with xW out of them. I wouldn't take scissors to them (for my S's sakes), but I'd be tempted. More likely I would possibly attempt a little Photoshop magic on them.
I gave my D10 a picture of her dad and I on our wedding day; she enjoys it for some reason, and keeps it in her room. Doesn't bother me anymore when I see it sometimes. I have our wedding album and some other albums too. I do think the kids will want to have that someday.
How r u doing? Haven't heard from you in a while-had to dig you up way in the back here! Hope you're doing well.
I do think our X's will be the same ol, same ol, for at least a long while if not forever. The less I see of X, or deal with him, I do find the better and healthier for me. Hard to do sometimes though with kids; but still something to work on.
I just caught up on your own thread. Sorry your ex insists on playing the arse.
I've had the boys this week. We had a great time camping last weekend with the cub scouts. S9 bridged over and is now a Webelo. Fall of 2011, S5 will be in First Grade and will join the Tiger Scouts. I'm looking forward to that.
S5 lost his first tooth today. We were at his soccer practice -- I thought he seemed more distracted than usual: Sure enough, at one point he waltzed over to the bench to hand me the tooth that finally came out (it had been becoming increasingly loose during the past couple of days.)
And S9 lost another tooth himself just this morning. The tooth fairy is being kept pretty darn busy -- two in one day.
xW is her usual asinine self. And the xMIL continues to be a real piece of work too. She got snippy with S9 over some paper he brought home from school, saying she didn't like what S9 and his friend had written to each other because it used the word "fart". She suddenly ripped and tore the paper up right in front of S9, greatly upsetting him. She shouldn't have done that, not in front of S9 -- and it was certainly unwise of her to have done it right in front of me. I said nothing, but I did not care for it at all.
xMIL later emailed me to apologize for reacting the way she did. I did not respond. While I am of a mind to let this matter drop, I'm now wondering what else goes on when I am not present.
xW continues to try to stop by my place in the mornings that I have custody of our S's, to give them hugs before going to work. It just seems so pathetic for her to insist on forcing herself into our kids time with me, like she cannot bear for more than a day or so for her influence to not be exerted upon them. She's become so darn anal and insecure.
But if/when she moves away in August, certainly she will have to cease these disruptive morning visits. So maybe we can tolerate it for a little while more.
xW continues to try to stop by my place in the mornings that I have custody of our S's, to give them hugs before going to work. It just seems so pathetic for her to insist on forcing herself into our kids time with me, like she cannot bear for more than a day or so for her influence to not be exerted upon them. She's become so darn anal and insecure.
I would put an end to this if you can. It is disruptive and interfering with your time/bond with the kids. I would simply tell her that she is no longer welcome in/around your home on these mornings. If she must see them she can do it at the school or something.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I agree with BND, I don't find this necessary that she needs to do this, because frankly, did she do it when you lived at the other place? No, so I would politely tell her that it is your time with them and like BND, if she must see them she can at school.
Definately got some insecurity issues. Does the Xmil live with them? Just curious if not, she there an awful lot. That's odd.
Have you heard anymore about them moving and have you spoken to the advocate about it? I still can't see them approving that. The only defense I would see as if it were for work reasons, and then it would be have to be because they are forcing relocation.
Keep me posted! The camping sounded great, S7 wants to start cub scouts, I have to check into it, he is enjoying baseball right now!
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
