I hopped on Sooboru's thread to check on her, and found some questions as to why I came back after having been gone for 8 years.
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HB - why is it that you are back on here? What is it that you are getting for yourself from this? I know you're helping people, and I am one of the ones that has been truly blessed by your words. I am in no way suggesting that you go away. Your words have brought me peace and understanding, I've printed them off and read and re-read them frequently. However, something about this...
Quote: With that said, in present day, I do NOT spend every day thinking about it...it is not until I come to the board, and read the situations here that memories come back of that time.
Made me think that there is something, some reason for YOU for YOUR marriage that you are on here.
My husband DID exit the tunnel in late 2002, yet, two years later, in late 2004, some strange things started happening, and I was so far within my own transition that I missed them.
It all had to do with a 7 year old child that somehow got "missed" as he was coming through, an emotional "block" if you will...the child of his parent's divorce.
He went into another tunnel, but it was NOT the SAME MLC tunnel that he'd been in before. It was a crisis tunnel of some sort, or a cyling bout, if you will.
Upon me starting to see things more clearly as I was on the downhill side of my own transition, I found myself taking up the mantle of responsibility once again, but not understanding why.
It was not until 8 months ago, that I was finally shown the last child...and I was still having trouble understanding what was going on.
In December 2009, the Lord showed me that something was going to happen that was going to bring my husband down, He didn't say WHAT it was, only, I was instructed to prepare for that event.
In February 2010, I came here to hopefully get some answers(I DID get those here and elsewhere) and a couple of days later, he fell in an icy parking lot and broke his ankle..the event I'd been warned about; and it was confirmed.
NOW, in this last 2 1/2 months he's been down, he's actually been settling this one "child" within himself. I could NOT help him with this; it had NOTHING to do with me, and all I could do was let go and let God.
And I did that, I had to, although, I've gone through quite a bit of frustration. Things were SO different this time around...I wasn't asked for a divorce, wasn't told a "speech"..I just saw personality changes that seemed to go backward, childlike actions and heard a tattle tale that I wanted to take a switch to....but I didn't. LOL!!
I took responsibility, came down hard on him when I needed to, worked with what I had for that time.
And I have watched him settle the child within, at least for now. I'd almost asked him to leave long BEFORE he broke his ankle, but the Lord instructed me to wait and watch..and I did that, too. Things began to get better; back and forth for a short period of time...then started forward more fully with the onset of his broken ankle.
It's behind him for now..but I've already been warned that it may NEVER go completely away; may never be settled in a total way..it will come back again and again, for as long as needed for whatever reason. I have also come to the understanding that some people NEVER get over the fact that their parents divorced when they were children, they are always of the belief that it was ALL their fault..and my husband is one of these people.
He HAS started opening up with me in a way that I've not seen in quite some time..and in time, will continue. He has also been released from the doctor, and is making preparations to go back to work again.
In the last 2 and a half months, I have come to a better understanding of what has happened within him, and the Lord has blessed me with that kind of knowledge.
I was unable to read him this time..the emotional bond between us did NOT break this time so I would be able to...and with that bond in place, I'm not allowed to read him or our son...in close family like that, it is not allowed for me to do that...and I accepted that...yet, I have felt the bond strengthen even more, especially in the last couple of months; of course, it made us BOTH sick; like it did beforehand.
Our son is in the process of closing the loan on his house, and in THAT process, a break was also made..again, it affected all three of us. Son is supposed to break away, but for some reason, I didn't realize that it would require the breaking of his bond to us..yet, it does. Again, husband and I suffered the effects of that break.
Many changes have occurred in this time.
I was always a spiritual person, who saw things, not just in the natural, but, also from a spiritual point of view..to me it is as natural as my breath.
As I have helped others, I have continued to receive what I've needed in the way of knowledge and understanding.
I have never gotten around to setting up another thread on this possible illustration, been too busy between my job, and continuing to help others.
I'd said I would stay and help for awhile in return for the answers I received to my questions...now how long that "while" is, I don't know...He has not given me instruction on any time as to when I will leave again.
I am learning, though, and continuing to use what He's given me to help others.
The memories of that time do NOT hurt me, bother me, or upset me at all; they are just there to be accessed upon the right questions, or from what I read.
I will be here until I am instructed to leave, this I DO know.
What I've aformentioned is what has happened long AFTER his MLC in my OWN situation/marriage..and doesn't give ANY indication that someone else would go through the same thing I saw happen.
Believe it, or not, I'm OK with this..no damage got done to me at all. I just saw it as another bump in the road to navigate. A result of the lessons I learned, I daresay.
Life is what it is, and it's never perfect.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Did you find some of the answers that you needed this time through the boards?
I am glad that your H is doing better and will be going back to work soon! You continue to be an inspiration to us all! I hope that He sees fit to leave you with us for awhile!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
HB - thank you for sharing your story....mermaid is right you are one amazing lady. You have gained an incredible wisdom and patience throughout your past journey and that has obviously really helped you to deal with your H's recent MLC flare-up.
I can also imagine how difficult it is for a couple and actually for each of you individually to accept that your little bird is leaving the nest. Your son will do great on his own, he certainly is on the right path from what you have told me previously. When he is on his own it will be a whole new chapter for you & your H. I wish you nothing but happiness
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I have a feeling that the little boy was not missed, it is happening in exactly the right time. I can feel for your H not getting over his parent's D. I never got over mine, and it's a large part of why I am committing to stand.
I also have a feeling, but you may have been told this already, that you and your H will be connecting very strongly now. Is there something you two are supposed to do together or always wanted to do together that would be unusual?
Something made me go back to that thread I posted this question on after I had closed it out and ask this question, so I think that you should be happy knowing that you are teaching and reaching even those who are lurking. I think, I may be wrong, but I think someone needed to know this information. Thanks for being so open about it.
"He never did understand that what he went through was a MLC..and he doesn't remember but very little of it; if he remembers anything at all.
If they don't do all the facing of the damage they did before they completely exit the tunnel, when the forgetting happens, you can't go back and resurrect anything from that time."
HB,
I copied the above from the other post. I didn't want to reply there since you started your own thread. I have a question about you saying your husband never did understand that what he went through was MLC. So, are you saying that because he doesn't remember everything he said or did, that to him it didn't happen and therefore he does not understand the whole MLC thing? In a whacky, mixed up MLC thinking kind of way, that makes sense to me. If they don't remember what they said or how they acted, it stands to reason that even if they read everything about MLC, they wouldn't recognize they went through it. They might even read all of the resources we have read and think that poor MLC person is really in need of help.
I have to admit that sort of depresses me. I suppose I have been wishing and hoping my husband, who is intelligent, would come to the realization he is in MLC and would at least agree to seek help. A year ago he went to the doctor where he asked what was wrong with him....he was feeling numb about everything. He also went to talk with our pastor. There he told him things that I had supposedly done to him...but they never happened. He really believes they happened, though.
My 2nd question is that 2nd quote. When you say if they don't face all the damage they have done, you can't go back after they start forgetting everything.....do you mean if we tell them the damage they've done? Or do they remember most of it for some period of time?
God showed me early on in this journey that the best thing I could do was forgive my husband. And even though I thought I had done that over the years, the Lord showed me I really hadn't. So, it took this MLC experience for me to learn to really forgive. And when I did that, all the anger towards him left me. Now, that doesn't mean I don't get ticked off or impatient, but I am not angry towards him. I miss him terribly. And I hate this separation and hardly any contact with him because I'm afraid that will just allow him to be in his own cocoon where he doesn't have to face any reality at all. My husband not only left me, but he also hasn't had contact with our 3 adult children. It's way beyond what I think of as simply MLC. And I am ignorant of what I can do to help him.
You are a wonderful woman and I believe you have been sent here to help all of us. It's so helpful to gain insight from one who has walked before us. God bless you!
Aw, Ladies, I'm not that amazing; I'm not the only one who has utilized what's been learned through this crisis. Each person that has come through the fire has a testimony to share that is just AS amazing as what I've shared about myself.
I was always open about what I saw/endured; though it was but ONE way that a person could go, there ARE many people that navigated this successfully that posted/are posting here, regardless of how each individual situation turned out.
There are people here from ALL walks of life..each MLC has its own flavor, and I was trying to tell people that same thing even before I left in mid 2003.
To be quite honest, when I first got a handle of what was going on in the aforementioned, I actually had at first thought I'd done something wrong, or that I had missed something...I didn't..but I THOUGHT for a time that I did.
Yet, I didn't, and so the whole drama has played out as it should.
MH, you are correct, I already know that my husband and I are starting to connect in a stronger way, and the marriage is rebuilding once again on a much firmer foundation than before.
You find after you and your spouse go through different things together, it will either separate you or bring you together in a stronger way than you ever thought.
In other words, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger..and that is very true within marriage, too.
I'd always tried to encourage people, regardless of how bleak a situation looked, there is ALWAYS something good to be found within...I'm an eternal optimist; knowing there IS a silver lining in every cloud...we just have to learn to know where to look.
The compassion within me for hurting people has never changed; it may look like I'm hitting people with a 2X4 at times, but it is for good reason, and I will always explain why I'm saying what I'm saying.
I may have forgotten the majority of what I went through, but I'm no stranger to suffering; having done it for most of my life.
I don't talk much when I'm having problems, not wishing to put things on people who have SO much on their plates...and so, I just listen, advise, and commit what's happening with me to the Lord to handle.
And handle it, He has; helping me to learn to cope with so many different things in my life, and in turn that has built my faith and trust in Him.
Don't think for ONE minute you cannot gain what I have gained..you CAN, and you CAN reach forgiveness, acceptance and healing..time is a major factor, but you can and will get there; I did, and I KNOW you can.
I know at times I sound like an old fashioned "bible beater"..but I will tell you this: if it hadn't been for Him keeping me within His Hands throughout; I wouldn't be here now nor would I have shown up in the first place.
But He allows things to happen for a reason..holding all our futures in the very palm of His hand.
My understanding of Him became MUCH deeper through his MLC.
And I'm very grateful for what I went through and grew from, as it actually drew me much closer to Him than I had ever been in my life.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
The MLC'er is way TOO close to what they are experiencing, and will deny what they are going through, no amount of arguing will convince them otherwise. I remember showing my husband Jim Conway's website, and a questionaire....he lied in answer to some of the questions, BUT he answered enough of them honestly to get a reading of a moderate crisis. He did ask me how long I thought he'd go through, and I guess I depressed him further, as I said I did not know.
The next day, he forgot that he even took the quiz, and declared he was NOT going through any kind of crisis..that my imagination was going wild.
I gave up after that.
The point is, they won't SEE they need help..you must continue to detach, and work on yourself...and commit your husband to the Lord to deal with...it is the ONLY way he might come through. God doesn't tamper with free will, but he WILL work within your husband's heart if you ask for that...pray without ceasing, let him go, work on you..understand this WILL take time to navigate.
You CANNOT doing ANYTHING to help him; at least for now, except pray for him and leave him be. The detachment from the kids and you is VERY normal. Assuming it reverses itself, you are last in line to be reconnected with. And it doesn't happen overnight. This takes awhile.
I can understand the depression you are feeling. There are not many who actually recognize when they go through a MLC..they are the ONLY ones who can fix themselves, and they have to be allowed the time needed to go through.
When the stage of Withdrawal is broken, that is usually the "prime" time of opening up, and doing some confessing, and apologizing for the damage that's done while they were deep within the tunnel. More MIGHT come later, during the settling down process that comes after the stage of Acceptance...then again, they might NOT say anything else, and you have to accept that you may NEVER know ALL they suffered or thought about while in there.
Their actions will tell you more as they progress along, finishing the transition/crisis.
There are SOME things best left unknown..it is enough to see the positive changes that should come about as they work their way forward into becoming what God meant for them to be in the later half of their lives.
I never talked about EVERYTHING I saw/felt while in my transition...I did not have to, I worked it all out within myself, and my husband never really asked me anything. On the other hand, he's also forgotten that I've gone through, and forgiven me for all the hateful things I said to him..I know, I asked him about that not long ago. He had honestly forgotten it ALL, was I surprised? No, time had done its work.
All of the rewriting of history they do is due to the "altered" reality they are experiencing due to the crisis, and the feelings it brings forth within them. They have to blame SOMEBODY, sadly it is the spouse who is there FOR them. In the early parts of this, they are NOT looking within for the answers that are there. They are too busy looking on the outside for "feel good" things, that lead to a dead end..but the pain is STILL there.
It is NOT until MUCH later, as they begin entering the final stages that they finally look within themselves for those answers..that's assuming they make it past Replay; which, I think is the halfway point of this crisis.
Pay attention to what the Lord shows you..the Lord is asking you to focus on YOU..and forgiveness is NOT for your husband; it is for YOU.
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My 2nd question is that 2nd quote. When you say if they don't face all the damage they have done, you can't go back after they start forgetting everything.....do you mean if we tell them the damage they've done? Or do they remember most of it for some period of time?
When a MLC'er exits the tunnel, there is a window of time..and I cannot say how long, it is different with each one, but the forgetting does begin and completes within them. Like I said, I did an experiment either 2 or 3 years after his exit, asked him some questions related to some things he did and said...I got a totally blank look, and then he insisted that he did NOT say some of the things he said. I know him very well, and actually COULD tell that he didn't have the foggiest idea of what I was talking about.
The depressive parts of this aid the forgetting they go through, but time does the rest after they come out, and no one is supposed to remember EVERYTHING they ever did..they are not meant to.
I did the same thing after I came out of my transition..some things I remembered, quite a bit I forgot.
When people are settling things within themselves, you won't always know what exactly is going on within them, as some of it is NEVER talked about....as I said, THEY have to be the one to fix, NOT YOU..you didn't break him and therefore you cannot fix him.
He MAY NEVER apologize for EVERYTHING he did while within the tunnel IF/WHEN he comes out. Everyone is different, and I can only speak from experience.
There will be things he will have already forgotten, because of the depression he's suffered.
You forgive, accept and heal, regardless of whether he talks about it or not. People have said to force them to talk, but you know, I didn't agree with that.
He did NOT really hurt me, he hurt HIMSELF, and it was enough that HE had to deal with the damage he did to himself and his marriage. I had NOTHING to do with that. I learned to separate the behavior from the person, and I also learned NOT to take anything personally. I learned to understand that this was HIS problem, and I wasn't going to make it mine.
I suffered NO lasting damage from this, and I'm serious when I say that. The healing that occurred within me came from having forgiven, accepted all that happened and somehow integrated it into my life. You cannot heal until you forgive and accept what's happened.
I said what I had to say as he was coming along in the finishing stages, when he was talking on his own(and we talked ALOT during that time) and let the rest of it go, in time healing from ALL of it.
I took whatever I could get as I watched him finish this out, and was there to help him. My expectations remained VERY low until I knew he was totally out.
I remember him being mentally weak, tired, and dealing with the finishing changes within...I simply worked with it; and he did become a better man than I'd known before.
Some things remained the same, while a great many things changed.
Patience is/was learned within this, and I had to have ALOT of it, while dealing with him going through.
I completely STOPPED trying to figure out what he was doing/why he was doing some of the crazy stuff he was doing, and just moved forward with my own life..detachment is a good tool. As long as I kept trying to figure out what he was doing, I was hindering BOTH of us from growing.
I HAD to let go, let God, and move forward on my own in the hopes that he would follow, and he did, but it took him awhile to do so.
Eventually, I found him stepping on my heels in a figurative sense...and I didn't even question that, just kept moving forward, trusting God with the outcome.
Hope this helps.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
