"the only implicit boundaries i've set are that when you ask for a divorce, we can't be friends."
So.. then why are you here? He has asked for a D.. you have signed the papers.. and it is just a matter of time.
"i couldn't be with someone after their manhood has been in someone else's yoohoo. the good girl only buys brand new - never used. that is not negotiable."
Is this not negotiable.. like the "asking for D" statement?
"forrest, you gotta stop speaking in code. smile the "work" behind that thought?"
I don't know.. my code seems much more clear to me.. than what you say sometimes.
Plus it has a proven track record. What my "code" proved.. is very likely up in the air.
Here.. let me help you some.
When I use the "" marks.. I don't want you to think of the true definition of that word. I want you to apply it to your stitch. Blame my long term stay here at DB.com for it being hard to follow. I expect you to understand some things. I think that simply because you were smart enough to find this place. You understood that it could very likely help you. I expect that you have done your homework.
So..
"forrest, you gotta stop speaking in code. smile the "work" behind that thought?"
From my point of view.. you walked into this whole D thing with your head down.. and having no clear understanding of where you were going.
You have said.. that if it came to D.. you were done. He was out of your life.. and you would live happily ever after.. alone.
But.. "here" you are. Back-tracking. By posting you said.. "Help me save my marriage". Not only that.. you raised your hand and said I really need help.
The OW thing is a possibility. I am asking the question to set a frame of where you will be if/when "something" happens. I am testing you.. if you wanna say it that way.
The best thing you can do is give me honest answers. I will return the favor by giving you my honest opinion. You can do whatever you want with my opinion.
"do i really have plenty of time?"
Yes. If you take that to heart.. and settle down some.. you will "see" it.
"even with separation agreement being worked out?"
Yes. Right now and going forward.. you do nothing to move the D forward. Protect yourself.. but don't move forward with anything. From what I have read.. you seem satisfied with the terms of the agreement. So.. leave it at that. You need to document where he is "slacking" in this agreement. If he owes you money.. he owes you money. It is that simple. Ask the L if there is a time limit on you claiming back monies. I don't know that enforcing the agreement right now is a smart thing to do.
"that long hard look in the mirror is ugly."
Don't watch yourself too long. It has a bad effect on things.
"and this also isn't mind reading?"
To a point.. yes. But.. now you know the things that were wrong. And you can toss them out and stop doing them. This makes you a much better "mind-reader". My mentor asked me what my job in the marriage was. He let me ramble on about all the things a man would say if asked a question like that. Then.. he looked at me and smiled.. and said.. "Your job is to know your wife." That was it. In that moment he impressed upon me that the only thing I needed to do.. was to understand.. and know my wife. I was living at my Mom&Dads house.. to say I had a little bit of anger.. is an understatement. But.. I got it.. and somehow managed to turn things around some. So.. what does that say to you? What is your job?
"we were struggling to have children."
This is something to focus on. It is the one thing in your "we" statements that stood out. I don't want to know why.. it worked or didn't. But this has been a turning point in so many marriages. I suspect that is true here.
If you really look at the way you worded and "numbered" your statements.. you can "see" the decline.
1.. we were struggling to have children. 2.. we both neglected our m because chores, responsibilities got in the way. 3.. we moved from a big city to a smaller city - less things to do. life got boring. 4.. we spent too much time together and didn't have separate hobbies to work on. i understand that it is important to have individual time. 5.. we took each other for granted. 6.. we were no longer communicating effectively. this affected our sex life a great deal.
Kinda resembles a time line to me some.
"in all honesty, i learned to live a better life when he came into my world. he showed me how to live well. for that, i am truly grateful."
I believe.. people "pay things forward". Or your actions speak louder than you words. It most likely has to do with me being a Physical LL guy. This.. is what you need to mimic.. in order to win. Not 100% sure how that translates to you in RL action.. but it seems to be the key for me in your "stitch".
I did read all of it.. but I focused on the things that stood out.
Right now.. I want you to focus on the here and now. You have got to find a way to pull your mind away from the stuff you are "learning". The general idea in my head is that the next time you run into him.. I want him to "see" a different person. You can't seem down.. you can't give him the "look".. you can't sigh in front of him.
The road ahead.. even if he comes back.. is rough. Don't think for a moment that it will be easy.
Lets leave it at that.. over the next week.. I want you to figure out a way to get yourself 10% more normal/relaxed. Find some stop signs for the idea you can't win.
"Work on being confident, positive"
"And somehow, you have to speak his gift LL. I am not sure how to do it but really, really think about this one."
Yes.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
