Although he lied that he would give our M a chance, and yet never really did - complained we never talked about the "big issues" in the M< but never brought any up, including the fling, and got very defensive and shut down when I brought up deeper issues of why our M got where it did and what I was going through at the time (in MC). He showed up and listened, but ultimately seems to not care or try. He has continued to hold the position of total blame - "you abandoned me, not the other way aroun;, I don't have to change, you do; This M was doomed from day one and I should have seen it and not put up with your crap ever - should have never married you" etc etc etc....
Hi again Cuccoon.
1. You need to understand that until he processes the betrayal he is NOT going to receive explanations or background of the infidelity very well.
I know you want him to hear how YOU felt, but it is WAY TOO EASY for the sharing of feelings to sound like an excuse.
When the affair hits home, and that HARD, REPEATED OFFENSES to boot... If you say ANYTHING other than that you are sorry it just makes it HURT a LOT MORE...
When he says
"You hurt me, you abandoned me, you betrayed me"
If you say ANYTHING other than "I'm sorry, it was wrong" it just TWISTS the knife in...
And you likely responded to this with
"I was lonely" "You weren't around" "You never touch me" "I didn't feel loved"
All of that just sounds like you are VALIDATING or EXCUSING the affair.
For at least six months you need to CAP that until HE can process the affair.. he WILL need to hear what was going on with you, but THAT soon will just DO MORE DAMAGE... I suspect that's what happened.... You wanted to share how you felt at the time and he took it as you justifying yourself.
Infidelity is NEVER an acceptable response to marital probelems... NEVER associate infidelity with them in conversation with a wounded spouse... It will NOT get the response you expect.
The way to handle it is to JUST LISTEN and SYMPATHIZE, apologize as often as you can...
This is in the books too that I mentioned, as well as other good advice.
The time to talk about the other problems in your marriage will happen, but until HE TRUSTS you and has processed the infidelity he will NOT accept other relationship talk.
When you betray your spouse with an affair nothing else will enter their mind other than that betrayal for a long time.
Forcing other stuff in just DOES DAMAGE.
I would toss the MLC stuff right now, it just sounds like an excuse, it isnt' going to help you.
You both have to understand that love is a commitment to adulthood and maturity, not to acting on emotional impulses and scorekeeping/fingerpointing when things get difficult.
I think you understand that now. Love is a commitment to maturity.
I love you means "I am going to commit to you for life and accept all the heartbreaks that come with it"
It has nothing to do with "I feel really excited and dizzy right now so I must be in love"
He needs to heal from the infidelity before you can talk about other issues... to HIM, until THAT is HEALED, he won't consider anything else worthy of talk.. THAT wound is the BIGGEST to HIM, and it is ALSO the MOST FRESH...
I know it's selfish, as you are hurting too, but this is wayward syndrome my dear, his hurt is the ONLY hurt he's concerned about right now... YOURS is on the backburner for now... THAT is something you have to get used to...
I know, he never did, those HERE HAVE.. it takes MONTHS to learn how to put YOUR FEELINGS aside and to JUST think about where your spouse is at... many drive their spouses away because they can't detach their emotions from their spouse long enough to heal the damage and motivate them to come back.
Allen, thank you for taking all this time with me
As I said, HE REFUSES TO TALK ABOUT THE AFFAIR. HE SAYS IT'S ALL THE OTHER STUFF IN OUR M PREVIOUS TO THAT.
Sure in the beginning I did both good an bad - I read those books then (I should reread them) and at times I listened, validated, apologized took complete responsibility for my mistakes. At other times, I said I was in MLC, but honestly, I never said much. I didn't want to blame him or excuse it.
I have only recently started talking about my hurts mostly current but have mentioned this was always the issue - his anger and hostility. This is because he complained we never get into the big issues~but I never said this was the "reason" for my affair. It took me many months of C of the C concvincing me it was ok to stand up for myself that his anger hurts me.
But I've kept my mouth shut for the entire year! When he says I abandoned him he means even earlier on - I think - unless this is all denial and really about the fling he just can't say it. I don't know.
Yes, I have been working the past year that love is growing in maturity and not running away.
And H is not.
So what am I committing to?
How will he "process the betrayal" like you say he must- in place of this constant vengance and avoidance...is there anything I can do to move this along?
I'll try to continue to not focus on myself and my hurts. That is good advice. However, if he's not expressing his, how do I listen and validate? It seems the nly way to get through this? HE feels completely justified, as you said.
