Hate to butt in just been following your stich.Don't get me wrong please and im sorry before hand if what i say offends in any way. When you disagree with your wife do you let things drop when you feel that you are right or do you always keep pushing the issue.
I'm only asking because this was one of my 180 that I've worked on and gotten positive results for me this something that i had to change IN my hmmble opinion TWOL
Hey, no need to apologize, Twolf. It wasn't a loaded question, Ridicule-bait etc. Near as I can tell, and I suppose at this point it isn't even off topic anymore.
Surprising as it may be for some here, I don't keep pushing many issues, even if I feel I'm right and don't feel she concurs. I just figure "time" will bear it out either way.
That being said, I did "push" a bit on her relationship with her daughter. Her daughter is very disrespectful to her, though is basically a good kid. I actually get along fine with her daughter, but early on, I made it clear that I don't take any guff, period, particularly from a child. Being a kid, she did test that.
Unfortunately, when we met, her daughter was 14 (and not nearly as disrespectful, but it was starting) and I have been around long enough to know that at that age, some "new guy" coming in and pretending to be the boss wasn't gonna fly.
So, if I had anything to offer, I'd just wait until me and my wife were alone, and run it by her. Unfortunately, as the disrespect and insubordination increased unchecked (really)
I have upped "my critique" of letting her daughter treat her like that, not doing 'a danged thing' about misbehaviour and insubordination, things like that. So on that note, I did Oversell my points. And after her telling me she felt it 'was over' I did reassess that, and did "do a 180". I think my critique, though valid, was unwelcome, and she resented me for it more than she resents her daughters disrespect.
I meant only the best for both her and her daughter, but for her, it was easier to resent me for pointing it out all the time than to actually stand firm on the unruly child, who does have a much more "forceful" personality in general than her Mom.
I have just accepted the fact there really isn't much I can do about it, trying to interject was getting me nowhere, yet I kept doing it. Thankfully, I was aware enough from my past experience at DBing to spot it.
So . . .yea, good question Twolf.
Life may be short, but . . . well . . . it actually IS short, now that I think about it . . . . particularly when compared to planetary formation and stuff.
Life may be short, but . . . well . . . it actually IS short, now that I think about it . . . . particularly when compared to planetary formation and stuff.
Yea, it's kinda pathetic really. God forbid someone not completely subordinate themselves to the wnnabe DB "gurus" . . . LOL.
Tip #1: When someone is not looking for advice, and says so . . . and then says so again, and then says so again, and then says so again, and then says so again . . . might be best to not do that.
Tip #2: If someone is asking for something specific . . . .like for others to relate their experiences with trying to mitigate damage caused by friends of their spouse, if you haven't ever tried to mitigate the damage . . . might be best to move on to another thread.
Tip #3: When someone gets testy because people are ignoring the thread topic to give unwanted, and as it turns out rather poor, advice relative to the topic, they aren't being "controlling" really . . .it's called "not submitting to other sanctimonious, controlling people"
Tip #4: If you find yourself insulting and ridiculing somebody for not subordinating themselves completely to you as you invade their thread to give unwanted advice and character judgment . . .you're an actual control freak.
Tip #5: Calling people "control freaks" in an effort to gain control over them . . . is kinda funny.
Tip #6: Next time someone asks for others experiences . . . relate your experiences if you have them. Even invite them to elaborate when and if they're ready, rather than beating them over the head and pretty much demanding information they might not be ready to share yet, and then ridiculing them for getting a little ticked at the gang-bang tactics some of the "helpers" use around here.
Okay . . . now feel free to continue being alienated!
Life may be short, but . . . well . . . it actually IS short, now that I think about it . . . . particularly when compared to planetary formation and stuff.
Does holding all of these "positions" work for you?
Ask yourself this: if you had this same problem on your last thread, and then again this time, and you're having it with just about everyone, and you're also having it in your marital relationships . . .
. . . is it possible that maybe it's YOU?
You don't have to "subordinate," Bummed. Hell, you don't really HAVE to do ANYTHING. But it would help you to drop the attitude, and stop trying to dictate to everyone else in your life how they are allowed to react with you.
Just a thought. Personally, I'm going to go help out some other folks who are actually WANTING some help and advice, and who appreciate it.
As far as I know this forum does not have a private message feature. Obviously it is up to you if you choose to post an update.
I stick around this forum because I learn something every day. There are people on here that inspire and motivate me each day. I know when I was in the absolute thick of my situation there were many, many kind souls who gave me unwavering support. I will be forever grateful (and just so you know, I didn't find this forum until the end of my situation). Having a marriage dissolve, dealing with my H's affair, my health struggles, near financial ruin and a 24 month legal battle was the most difficult and humbling experience of my life. To me, this site is not about feeding my ego. Not in the least.
Sometimes one has to look at the big picture before they can zero in on what to focus on first. You have made it abundantly clear your W talking to her friend is not something you like. As your thread progressed a few other "issues" were posted.
There is no quicker way to kill respect, love and attraction then resentment. And you did share that you felt your W resented you for giving her advice/opinions about how she handled the R with her daughter. Once resentment starts it is very easy to build and as the resentment builds the love/respect diminishes quickly. In my experience once resentment builds many other issues that were once tolerable become intolerable to the spouse who wants out. In addition to the resentment she might feel you mentioned your W is going through menopause. Your unemployment may also have something to do with her feelings. And really, it doesn't matter if you think she shouldn't feel that way. We don't know how she feels (unless she has told you and if that is the case please pardon me) but there are certainly many "red flags" that can be examined to help source her unhappiness in the M.
You have posted a few other things that caught my eye so to speak that offered further information as to what the root of the problem(s) are (or at least what they might be). However you said you don't want any further discussion aside from the friend issue unless you ask for it.
Does holding all of these "positions" work for you?
Ask yourself this: if you had this same problem on your last thread, and then again this time, and you're having it with just about everyone, and you're also having it in your marital relationships . . .
. . . is it possible that maybe it's YOU?
No, that isn't possible. My Wife doesn't generally give me advice when I'm not looking for it. And if I do ask for advice, say, on how long to nuke a potato in the microwave, she doesn't demand to know everything else I'm cooking for dinner, what I cooked yesterday, how I cooked it, and what ingredients she used. And . . .if she did ask what else I was cooking, if I didn't know yet, she wouldn't deride belittle tell me what a terrible cook I am, and such like that. So, I'd have no reason to give her a hard time about giving me a hard time.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
You don't have to "subordinate," Bummed.
I know that. The trouble is, Coach, Rob, possibly yourself and a few others don't seem to feel that way. I didn't want to answer the questions. I made that clear. I didn't want to "share" everything just yet. But hey, that wasn't what people here wanted. So . . .I wouldn't allow myself to be subordinated . . . . and that bugs the crap out of some here.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Hell, you don't really HAVE to do ANYTHING.
I'm aware of that too.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
But it would help you to drop the attitude, and stop trying to dictate to everyone else in your life how they are allowed to react with you.
Actually, what be even more helpful is if the idiots here making demands and character assessments they are neither qualified, nor entitled to make would drop their attitudes. Yes, that would be most helpful.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Just a thought. Personally, I'm going to go help out some other folks who are actually WANTING some help and advice, and who appreciate it.
That would be an excellent idea. maybe you should pass it on to some of the other members. I never wanted it. I wanted to hear about others experiences with what they've tried to mitigate the damage that can be caused by misguided friends who want to help. Oddly enough, this is kinda what happened in my threads. Ya'll were misguided, period. I didn't want it, didn't ask for it, and made it pretty clear, well over a dozen times. Heck, probably two dozen. I don't remember asking you if you felt "it might be me" that was the problem with my relationship, or if you thought I might be "controlling" etc.
Frankly, ya'll are amazingly rude, judgmental, and cliquish, and to a level I haven't even remotely approached. My only "sin" is giving back as good as I undeservedly received . . .simply because I didn't want to "play along" just yet, I didn't want to "lay it all out there" when some of you demanded it. When a stranger makes a "demand" of me . . .it's usually met with "Kiss my ass". This is also one reason I don't make demands of strangers, other than demanding they stop making demands of me. This is really kinda humorous at this point.
Board Gurus: "This guy isn't cow-toeing to us! What do we do? We're confused! Most people are hurt and desperate enough by the time they get here that they easily grovel for our supreme wisdom! What do we do" . . . .Lets GET HIM! GRRRRR!"
It's really quite pathetic guys . . .and gal or two.
Life may be short, but . . . well . . . it actually IS short, now that I think about it . . . . particularly when compared to planetary formation and stuff.
I know that. The trouble is, Coach, Rob, possibly yourself and a few others don't seem to feel that way.
Bro you need to stop mind reading and honestly you don't know how any one feels so please stop with the assumptions.
We didn't ask or force you to "subordinate" or to bow to our will or any other such nonsense, advice was offered, given freely, no one is forced to take it. You told us to stop, I respected that request and apparently a few others did as well. You continue to harp on this along with some childish insults on this and apparently one or two other threads on this forum and it's getting old so just let it go already.
I promise to stop posting advice on your thread or to comment on your situation on this or any other thread. I'm sorry for bothering you or commenting on your thread.
