i feel like i completely ruined my marriage

[Bummedout]

Wow, a whole lot of variables there, Angie. I'd say you need to take it a little easy on your friends and family, maybe "unload" some of it here, on us, as long as nobody gets all sanctimonious on you. If so, either ignore them or toy with them back.

But back to you: Gotta put your foot down about his selling weed, and if he wants to smoke, he needs to keep that crap out in his shop and not do it anywhere near kids. And little kids figure that stuff out well before many adults think they do.

It pretty much sounds like your hubby is kind of a deadbeat, to be honest, and he clearly takes you for granted. It also sounds like you let him walk all over you, even if he isn't "mean" per se. I'd say the man might benefit from a "wake up call." Not hearing his side of the story, I'm hesitant to suggest it, but since clearly you both should be looking to get out of his Mothers house . . . Dang, he's 39 . . . it might not hurt for you to "lead the way" so-to-speak. I'd hate to see you go far away, but if that's all you have, that's all you have. It will make it harder to patch things up, particularly if you start going to school. On the other hand, maybe if you did your divorce busting from reasonably far away, it might be useful to eventually make him come to you if he starts to straighten up and fly right a little as it dawns on him that you aren't kidding. It would also get him away from his "enabling base" his moron friends and possible OW interests and his drug connections, etc.

I'm not sure how that could play out at all, so I won't pretend to. Those are just some "random thoughts" on my part so don't take them too seriously, as far as "advice" goes.

In any case, if ya moved and he did seem to wake up, when he came out there you would have to take pretty much a "zero Tolerance to ANY contact with other women that he wouldn't be comfortable with you being there . . .which with his track record already, would mean the only woman he should talk to are you and his mother for quite some time. Find a text message? No questions, no answers, no "this is the last time, or else" . . . "just get the hell out" until he realizes you are dead serious and not gonna tolerate even little incursions across those boundaries.

As for threatening not to sign the papers if you "lawyer up" . . . tell him to tell that to your attorney. And so what if he brings up your past. What you have on his "present" WAY trumps what he's got on your past if it was that long ago. Even trying that would just tick most Judges off at him. Tell him to feel free to do that, and if he leaves anything out, you'll happily remind him of anything he "forgot" about you. In essence, by doing that, you just dropped "his ammo" right in a bucket of hot, soapy water.

If a drug test is called for, you or your attorney could likely file a motion insisting on a Gas Chromatography Full spectrum analysis drug test. There is NO fooling one of those, in any way, shape or form, and while much pricier than a 'normal' hair,blood, or urine test, they're not so expensive that most courts would find it an unreasonable request.

Okay . . here is where it gets a little sticky . . pardon the pun: Jerking off. Hey, he's a guy. Show me a married man who can still get it up who says he doesn't do that . . . and I'll show you a liar. I suppose it really depends on the environment and the situation. As for Porn, I find porn "ain't for me" and think it's more toxic to a relationship than helpful in the long run, but no doubt some will disagree with me on that point. For me, "my imagination" has better plot lines and higher production values than most porn anyway.

And masturbation has little to do with whether or not you "satisfy" him or not . . .half the time it's just because we men are lazy and have a few free minutes to kill (please laugh at that!) Even if he told you that, it was just to 'hurt' you and simply isn't true.

I think you might really need to "toughen up" a little bit. This doesn't mean start yelling and screaming. Quite the opposite. Calmly and cooly in level tones just make it clear there are some things you simply aren't gonna tolerate anymore. The problem is, don't get "too tight" until you really are ready and willing to enforce them.

Again, let me point out that these are just my "random thoughts" more than advice, even if I did use the term "you should" and such here. Hell, I don't know. I'm a cabinetmaker, not a licensed therapist, so keep that in mind. But HANG IN THERE!