I'm guessing the gf is closer to the brother in mindset as well as I believe they have "hung out together" ... I do need to lay off the pressure, I have done the begging, crying, etc and now am trying to be cool (again) with just friends. I also have watched the trust come and go - last year the littlest thing like the alarm not going off in the morning would set him off into "See, you haven't changed, I can't trust you I'm a fool for ever even believing I could" and I've heard this cyclically. I am continuing to show changes, but almost psychically, he walks in the house and things go wrong "proving" to him how irresponsible I am - no matter the changes I have shown. I have been very reliable about when and where I am, etc...
He has told me he is "not as confident as I am that we will get back together" and more recently "not coming back" if that is "hostility toward reconsiliation." He did claim "if we reconsile" for a while there but I think now he was lying to trick me into signing legal paperwork. But, it could have been true, I dn't know.
He has said he is not coming back - but he has also said he's too hurt...that the hurt is "still alive in him" and he "doesn't want a relationship where there is so much baggage/pain. I guess this comes from comparing me to OW?
He never mentions the affair. He mentions fights we've had over the years and how he "should have faced that we weren't meant to be together...should have not kept trying and believing things would get better...we had bad chemistry from the start...part of me thinks this is all regretful feelings that may pass...that's what I"m hoping for ... but he hasn't changed that tune in many months.
And just as the anger was dying down, and just when he was starting to do a few nice things for me - he says "I'm not coming back". So I don't know anymore what to think.
My vote is also that he is hurt and scared and is partying to avoid processing. Yes I do knowwhat this is like and I was completely unaware of what I was doing until he left me. I don't know how I can shake him up like this as he has walked.
AS for MC, we were with a crappy one when my fling came out last year. We dropped him. I got an IC I loved, and finally got H to return to MC last December - and I asked my IC if he would facilitate - he specializes in MC and I thought it was better to try someone who had some background in our sitch, rather than start from scratch - and risk another crappy MC.
I don't know how good this MC actually is - he says that H is showing up, listening, but not invested or connecting with me and has encouraged me to move on. I was very upset about this and told him I am not interested in giving up, however, I will work on backing off and giving more space.
H is very narrowminded when it comes to Cs. I studied graduate level psychology = I know the people who become therapists and wouldn't trust most of them! lol. I agree wholeheartedly with you Allen that many aren't good and one good one can make a difference. But H's song and dance has been the same - "he tried in MC when we were living together and so nothing will be different. People don't change" IT's not true, but there's no reasoning with him. He would never change therapists again, and he keeps going inconsistently anyhow so I'm waiting to see if the other shoe will drop and he'll just quit.
Like I said, we've been more coparenting in MC...how not to fight, etc...like I said, H has said he is open and even would like to process what happened in our M...but when I bring it up he gets rageful and defensive and it goes nowhere ... he brings up nothing. So I"m confused.
He won't really listen to MC saying he "should" do anything, certainly not stop dating. No friends or family to talk to him either. He wouldn't listen. He is highly investedin being right and in control, etc.
Yes I understand the illusions he (may be) under (if he's not actually done done). But I had to be shaken up that I would lose everything before I wiggled my way out of my sitch...he's controlled all the assets so he loses none and no custody time - and he has walked away and set up dates with this woman...what could I shake him up to lose? How could I wake him up?
