Ok, I am still trying to sort out the timeline fully but I think I get the bulk of events...
You were escaping for nine months and now he's been escaping for a year or thereabouts...
He has at least two bad influences in his life right now... His brother and OW.
I suspect that OW is an immature partier as well... So my earlier thought of approaching OW will not likley work either... I was hoping he was seeing someone with some maturity...
The first good sign is that OW isn't likley going to last...
Your H got hurt quite bad.. I can confirm that for sure since I and others have been there... This is NOT an easy thing to process...
But he's not working to deal with it... It doens't sound like EITHER of you were equipped to process the aftermath of an affair... I suspect the MC you were seeing wasn't all that great either... Most aren't...
1. Have you found a GOOD family therapist to visit regularly on your own? 2. Have you read Spring's After the Affair or Glass' Not Just Friends? These are both excellent texts on the subject of recovery from infidelity.
Both go into explaining infidelity from its birth to it's end, but the second half will be a very good idea for you right now... MWD doens't write much in infidelity, but she HAS endorsed Glass' text if you are fond of MWD's materials exclusively. I reccomend a lot of other FT's materials outside MWD.. DR is a good start, but its not much ammunition on its own...
3. If your H DOES come back you need to be READY to work with what he's been through... I realize you are in a lot of hurt now too, but it sounds like you are now mature enough to cope constructively as opposed to whenever your affair started... I get the impression you know how all that happened so I won't go into that... Your H is going through much of the same thing...
The challenges are that he has a LOT more justification from his position than other WS' do.. he is going to experience far less guilt about what he's doing...
The positives are that he DOES like a stable mature household... I suspect his brother and the OW (is she younger than him?) aren't offering him that at all.. He may come to miss that... so ensure you are offering that.. your SON needs it anyhow... The environments we build for our children are just as healthy for us... we dont' realize it at the time, but good parenting of your child will force you to grow up...
4. My strategy right now is thinking maybe your H might be willing to attend FT if it is presented as counselling for how the two of you can co-parent under separation... But if you have GOOD FT he or she may be able to work in some subtle incentives to get your H to consider reconcilliation... and maybe even to ditch OW for now so he can focus on being a parent.
That would be my advice as a FT would be to suggest if his involvement is not serious, I would suggest that he NOT date until the two of you have gotten to a point where you two can be solid parents for your son... dating can be a HUGE distraction, and right now there is a lot going on that you two need to sort out... I just don't know if your H would take to that advice at all.. But I am wondering if he would if it came from a FT...
I know he said "it didn't work", but he has to understand that FT's talents and approaches VARY DRAMATICALLY... it makes a HUGE difference to go to a different FT... it's similar to a restaurant... Just having been to ONE BAD one does not in any way suggest they are ALL BAD... It was more just BAD LUCK than anything...
But I always reccomend this.. YOU go on your OWN first to get a sense of where the FT is at.. keep interviwing FT's on your own until you have one you like, then see if you can invite H along...
You do get exposure to your H regularly, and you aren't writing as if he's outright HOSTILE to reconcilliation, just very HURT and SCARED... so he's partying to process that rather than to deal with it like an adult... through YOU and a FT.
Read the second half of those two books I suggested, they are pretty good at giving you some ideas on what he is dealing with and how to handle him...
You also have BEEN where he is, so you have some insight as to where his head is at...
5. Is there anyone supporting you that he might trust or listen to if they spoke with him? a Family member or friend you both share?
