I will try to answer all questions - thank you so much for not judging me and offering to help!
Yes, I was in an MLC. I had a one night stand that became a short thing -three/four times total.
AT first, before H found out, I did say some bad stuff I didn't mean - I said we should be in an open relationship and he should get more experience (I was bitter about not being ML for almost the entirety of our year M). This BS ended as soon as he found out. I immediately started looking in the mirror, coming out of denial, as you said, I escaped into sex, it was a symptom, and I knew I had to face myself. I started realizing I had an MLC from turning 40, my son starting preschool (I was a ft at home mom and felt empty), not having a job, and being in an artist community where most people are in their twenties. I also joined a support group where I unearthed that I had been molested by a babysitter at the same age my son was at the time I had my fling.
I told H all these new insights and of course didn't know what to believe.
H found out after the second time I was with the OM. H kicked me out for a month, but S4 was really homesick so we returned and H got a "temporary apt." However, he barely spoke to me. We started making some progress over the next couple months of at least talking on the phone, spending short amounts of time together, and had a plan to go to MC at month four.
I back slid a couple more times returning to the fling, out of lonliness, and fear that H was gone for good. Had I known about this site then, I wouldn't have felt so depsondent.However, I had no relationship with this guy at all and knew it. I wanted to save my M from the moment H found out which is why I started going to therapy and support groups and reading books and trying to figure out what happened.
IT ended after my H had been gone three months and backed out of the MC he promised to attend at that time. (I think I have recently figured out he found OW by then).
Things deteriorated from there for us, but I started to really get my house in order.
I continued to try to show changes - doing all the things he complained about - of course I never contacted OM again, got rid of all phone #s/emails/photos, etc, where I had been partying for about nine months ( but out of escape - I fooled myself into thinking I was happy but I wasn't), I was home every night. NO parties. No drinking. My house became very clean and organized. I worked on finding a part time job. I continued therapy and support groups. I started cooking full meals. I tried to stay calm. We had a habit of monthly huge fights previous to all this, and between august and december my H was raging every time he came over. He came over to stay with S because we agreed he's too little to shuffle back and forth. I worked on being calm while his verbal rage increased.
I have not been involved with anyone since - I have kept my commitment to reconciliation. Gave H a legal separation when he said all he wanted was the money separated "in case of divorce" but that he didn't really want the "legal" separation, and it would have no bearing on our romantic relationship. He said he would only give it a try after this was signed. Needless to say, I bought his BS, and once it was signed, he told me he had had a gf since august and he's not coming back.
I have read the DB and DR books - and I've lurked here a few weeks now. I've done somethings right, some wrong. I've done the show an upbeat/positive me, did a lot of 180's in terms of committing to being home and a good mom and wife where I was a partier for the previous nine months before he left...etc. I finally got him to go back to MC and it has helped his anger and aggression calm down a little, but that is it.
H shows other signs of MLC from what little I know - started hanging out regularly with his younger brother (12 years younger who is quite a partier!) socializing in role playing groups, going to clubs, and this supposed gf - this from the man who was serious as a heart attack his whole life - over responsible, never partied in college, not too many gfs ever, rarely socialized when we were M - conservative, traditional, geeky. He's become so different now.
I know nothing of OW and I have told him I want to know nothing. I do know that he was home with us for two weeks over xmas and new years, here for my birthday, his birthday, even our anniversary and valentines day. SO how serious can it be? they probably date once every one/two weeks. I see him every other day.
So now that I"ve written far too much - how can you help me? It's been over a year and his MLC has entrenched while mine is gone. I have changed in growth while he has changed in immaturity. Is there hope? What is it?
