reconciliation after divorce?

[any chance?]

Update:
W depression is pretty deep. She is not doing well. Does not want to communicate much, although she comes in to my office and says hello in the morning. Other times I think the only thread linking us is the car we are sharing. I am taking the advise of those who know and have been leaving her alone. I am leaving in 2 weeks for three weeks, so I am a bit sure how to handle that. When I get back she wants to file.

Do I just remain distant?

[FindingMyVoice]

Do I just remain distant?

Hi AC, I'm sorry to hear your W is still not doing well. If she still doesn't want to communicate much, I don't know if you've got much choice but to keep your distance. Sounds like she's processing stuff to me. Interesting that she still comes in to say hello every morning. When she does that, what all do you and she talk about? Is it just a 'hello' and she leaves? Or is there conversation?

Hey. What about that letter you're writing? How do you think it might feel to leave it for her to find a little early? That might give her some time to think on it and respond before you leave. [I'm amazed you have had the patience to wait this long! I could barely sit on mine for a whole morning before I gave it to my H. But that's me... dreadfully short on patience!] Maybe if you gave it to her early, it would help ease your anxiety about not being there for her, but at the same time keep you at arms length to minimize the chance of you getting pulled into more tumbling.

[any chance?]

Talked to my IC yesterday. She thinks giving her a heartfelt letter just as I depart for my 3 week trip is a good idea. Also thinks that a visit to an MC before I go would be intelligent, if nothing more than to clear the air.

W is distant. I know she is communicating with OM, which drives me crazy. W is all over the map, and has told me and others she is backing off the OM, but everyone here tells me to never believe someone in an EA. The fact that we all work together is very bad.

I keep vacillating between letting my anger take hold and blow this whole thing off, and realizing that W is in a very bad place, and that I should be there for her as her depressive tumble continues. My brain tells me to bolt, my heart tells me to hold on. This is so all consuming, I can barely take it any more.

[FindingMyVoice]

My brain tells me to bolt, my heart tells me to hold on. This is so all consuming, I can barely take it any more.

((((Anychance)))) I'm so sorry you're having such an awful time with it right now. I'd bake you a lasagna if I could. Hugs and good healing thoughts to you.

[any chance?]

Amazing conversation with W today.

She came in to my office to talk about her night out with a mutual friend. This led us into a discussion we have not had in quite a while

She matter of factly stated that we are getting divorced. She needs to start over, needs to have different type of relationship. She needs to spend some time by herself. She is pretty set on the D, it would appear.

She talked about the fact that she had lost her trust in me, as a result of my lying to her about my past mistakes. I told her that the trust issue goes both ways, and that I thought it was very important for us to try to rebuild our trust, even if we are going our separate ways. We have been together for too long to walk away thinking the other person is a habitual lier.

She told me that it was clear to her that my emotional needs had been being met by others over the past number of years, and that she was unable to meet my emotional needs no matter how hard she tried.

We talked about the OM. She says she has confronted him and told him she wants nothing to do with him physically. She just wants to be his friend. He tells her he is trying to get back with his W. Tells her he will respect her boundaries. I told her that she should be careful, that the addiction he has for her does not go away easily. Probably went too far in criticizing him in front of her, but so be it. I do not believe they can go back to being friends, which she so desperately wants. I guess she has to find this out for herself, as I am quite sure he will not respect her boundaries for long. But it does seem clear that her relationship with OM is more important than her relationship with H at this time.

She agreed to go the MC next week to talk over some of these issues. She is doing it more for me than for herself. I think we need to talk about reestablishing trust, and about the fact that I have not been a liar throughout our relationship. I think we need to talk about our communication issues. I think we need to talk about the fact that we can meet each others emotional needs. I have no idea how far to take this conversation, but I need to be careful. I think it is a conversation we need to have.

She says that she needs to be more upfront and demanding in her next relationship, that she cannot hide her feeling like she did from me. I told her that we had communicated more since she asked for a D than we had in quite a while, and she thought that was sad. It is sad, but it also means we do have the ability to communicate.

I wish I knew if I was doing the right thing, or if I am screwing things up more than they already are, if that is possible.

[FindingMyVoice]

Wow, that's amazing. How did you get her to open up?

I told her that the trust issue goes both ways, and that I thought it was very important for us to try to rebuild our trust, even if we are going our separate ways.

Good for you for asserting yourself regarding the trust, and for stating your needs so clearly.

She told me that it was clear to her that my emotional needs had been being met by others over the past number of years, and that she was unable to meet my emotional needs no matter how hard she tried.

I obviously don't know your sitch to that extent, but that sounds like a distorted thought to me. Your MC might be able to help her see and reframe that perception.

Probably went too far in criticizing him in front of her, but so be it.

Yup - good for you again. You have a right to speak your mind no matter how she responds to it.

She agreed to go the MC next week to talk over some of these issues. She is doing it more for me than for herself. I think we need to talk about reestablishing trust, and about the fact that I have not been a liar throughout our relationship. I think we need to talk about our communication issues. I think we need to talk about the fact that we can meet each others emotional needs. I have no idea how far to take this conversation, but I need to be careful. I think it is a conversation we need to have.

Wow - that all sounds positive. I'm happy and surprised to hear that she's willing to go to MC. And it doesn't matter that she says she's doing it more for you than herself. Like my IC said, the reason 'why' they'll go is much less important than the fact that they'll go.

I think your MC will be able to help you keep the conversation from becoming detrimental to your state of mind. I haven't heard you say anything adverse about your MC; I'm gathering you're happy with her? She's offering you good guidance and she's showing respect for your W even though she's not there? As long as you've been happy with her guidance so far, I don't think you're screwing things up at all! Anything that enables us to better communicate our position from a place of integrity, respect and full consciousness, and understand another person's frame of reference, can only be a beneficial thing. I bet you'll both get a lot out of it.

Take care! Thinking of you!

[any chance?]

Thanks, PG. I don't know. Thought it was positive, but the vibe that she is resolute on the D is very depressing. I sense her IC is helping her become strong and independant, and that she thinks that going back into our relationship would be backsliding somehow. I don't think she understands that we can have a new relationship based on different ground rules and understanding. I sense she views me as part of her past, not part of her future, and I don't know how to counter that.

[any chance?]

I just cannot win. W just called, all upset about our conversation today. Said I was asking invasive questions, trying to control her life. She does not want to have those conversations, only wants to have them in a controlled venue, such as in front of a MC. She came into my office and started the conversation, and then let it freely run, but I am the bad guy trying to control her life? WTF??

[any chance?]

W sent me a note last night, telling me that I tell her nothing about my thoughts and feelings. She chastises me for being derogatory about the OM, and for thinking he is always on her mind. Says she wants them to be 'just friends'. Wants to know how this type of discussion is moving our relationship forward.

I have been guarded about pouring out my heartfelt feelings, and I do think the OM has been on the back of her mind throughout the whole process.

How to deal with this?

Sorry to string so many posts together.....

[TimeHeals]

W sent me a note last night, telling me that I tell her nothing about my thoughts and feelings. She chastises me for being derogatory about the OM, and for thinking he is always on her mind.

I may not know how to handle this sort of thing (I am getting a D after all), but I can empathize: the OM is dating a married woman (should you praise him? Please! Of course he is doing something terrible), and he IS on her mind if she is defending him.

I don't know how you respond to that, but I understand that is BS. I hate these things that feel like tests myself.

I can tell you from experience, arguing won't prevent a divorce if that is where her head is. What you could do to turn things around, however, is above my pay grade.