What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[gatsby11]

Aw, hey! Got nothing really to say.

But you know me, I can always think of something.

I wanted to give you guys more of a picture of how out-of-his-mind my WH was getting toward the end.

So, first, we were house-hunting. Never told ya that 'cause I almost forgot, but we were! For years and at first in our search, he was like "condo." Then, apartment. We also thought about new townhouses. He was just so sure he didn't want to do any housework that houses require. I totally agreed, looked into condos, etc. Then one day we were driving around neighborhoods just getting a 'feel' for them. And he said, "I think we should get a fixer-upper." And he talked about redoing rooms. This is what I said: "Um. . . I don't think you actually DO want that. That is a heck of a lot of house work." And he got really agitated at me for saying that was what he didn't want. But I said, "WH, I know that in the end, it's just going to be ME doing all of the work! And I don't want to."

He dropped it. (Because that is so true. Can you imagine if we had bought a fixer upper and then he left? Geez.)

Then he wanted to get his own mode of transportation. (We'd been sharing a car for years.) So he was-- for weeks-- trying to figure out if he was a "bike" guy or a "motorcycle" guy. Or just a regular car guy. It was like all different parts of his personality were conflicting for his attention. The bike would help him be healthy and would save money. The motorcycle could save money and looks so cool. He didn't have much rationale for a car, but that's what he ended up getting. (As I said before, a 1989 clunker.)

Ultimately, I feel that WH was still FOLLOWING at this time. I think he was just following a new group and couldn't figure out what those people would want more.

I really hope that in therapy he can really see how desperately he tries to fit in to whatever group he thinks is cool. And then figure out who exactly he is! I think that's another reason why it is sort of easy for me to let WH be. He NEEDS to figure out who he is without my influence. I can't be with him if he hasn't done that. So. . . yeah.

So that's all I could think of to say! I'll try to go back to sleep now. . .

[Piano]

You still awake? Thanks for that extra info on your WAH, G. It is so interesting actually, and all helps complete the picture a bit more. So sounds like he's still struggling with maturity, how to grow up, who to be. I dig it. I remember being conflicted like that in my 20s, but by 30 it was over, I think.
Him thinking about a fixer-upper when he's not inclined that way is so funny. Thank God you didn't buy one!!
My H has some essential identity issues too - he states them as 'never having listened to himself', 'never being true to himself', 'doing what pleases other people' (this was the reason he gave for staying with me when he 'shoulda left years ago'), and that's why he calls his crisis, get this... a personal REVOLUTION! Oo la!

Fits in with the idea that I read somewhere that these immature WAH's are happy "playing house" until real responsibility comes along (ie. child) and then they think, oh no!, WHO am I? I better find out before I am locked in! Can also be put this way: H cannot equate being husband + father and happy at the same time.

What do ya reckon?

[gatsby11]

Ha, yeah, my WH said that since his family is so religious, he didn't divorce me back when he wanted to because they'd be mad. That was SUCH a lie. He has only really thought about D since the pregnancy (or since he got his new job 3 months before.)

I completely agree-- he cannot equate H + father = happy. That was the first thing he learned about himself in therapy! He said he told the therapist that his whole life he's been able to tell crazy stories. And once the baby is born, there will be no more stories left to tell. Later, I guess, the discussion went to me!

My WH is all about identity. Yours may be. . . (it's really annoying he calls it a personal revolution. Makes it sound so positive, go WAH!)

That's why I think some day my WH will grow up. It could be ten friggin years. It would be really sad because I will for sure be married again by then, but. . . that's how it goes sometimes.

K, gotta go! Thanks for writing!

[newmama]

I think that's another reason why it is sort of easy for me to let WH be. He NEEDS to figure out who he is without my influence. I can't be with him if he hasn't done that. So. . . yeah.

I wish I could have the same attitude about letting WH be. I think I would if I didn't have to see him all the freakin' time! Hopefully you will be able to stay detached after the baby is born. I am glad you aren't stressing- right? You sound so relaxed. You are due in June, right?

[gatsby11]

I am due in June, and NM, I was sort of freaking out last night! But it was just about body changes. I was googling it and just hoping that I can regain 90% of my pre-baby body after the birth!

I am finding that I don't worry about too much in my life right now. And I think the reason why is that the worst thing that could happen DID! Probably once that shock wears off I'll go back to normal.

But a whole new ballgame goes into play when I start seeing him more. We will see what happens then. I'm not interested in bringing that back too quickly, really. We'll see.

Ciao.

[newmama]

But a whole new ballgame goes into play when I start seeing him more. We will see what happens then. I'm not interested in bringing that back too quickly, really. We'll see.

enjoy the peace and quiet from NC for now, I say! You aren't too concerned that your H will abandon your daughter right? I bet you will be confident and strong enough to stick to your guns when she is born, even though it means you will be seeing your H.

Hey, about getting your body back, lots of women do it! My friends have! I am pretty sure by S' birthday, I will get mine back (plus some stretch marks is all...)If you didn't gain 80 pounds then you probably won't take a year to lose it!

[gatsby11]

NM, I really hope I get it back! I think the weight part will be okay for me, but I do wonder about stretch marks, feet size, and other changes if ya know what I mean. ;p

Even though WH is not committed to his daughter right now, I do think he will come around to her. And I think it will happen fairly soon, like in the first year. Of course, that may just be "part time" fatherhood, but she will be okay. I do hope to give her a more stable father figure because I hope to be remarried by the time she's 3 or 4. I know that's not that much time, so it might not happen.

I told WH I'd be remarried by the time she was 3 when all this was happening!

It was sad when I read on your page that your son's face lit up when the two of you were together. I mean, it's great that he likes the two of you together (and I guess it does make sense- he sees you two the most!), but it was sad, too.

If you remember, WH's parents told me that he told them that it was his goal that we do something as a family-- baby, me, and him. I think the therapist got him to get comfortable with that goal. That will be an interesting day.

I am definitely enjoying the NC for now, though. TTYL!

[Babydoll]

gatsby, you are so strong!!! You sound so relaxed like NM said. How do you do it???

Good thing you didnt go for the fixer upper home... the only thing that needs fixing up is your H. (and mine too)Hahaha...

Sounds to me like he is definitely going through a MLC... trying to figure his life out... Condo or family home... Car or motorcyle... single life or fatherhood...

[Piano]

NC is a good place to heal and gather yourself.

Really interested in the comment you make about your H and his crazy stories and how once the baby is born he won't have any more to tell. What do you think he means by this? Has he been a bit of a wild party boy and is worried those days are over?

Sorry if I have missed something or am being a bit thick on this.

[gatsby11]

Hey! I couldn't stay up past nine. I'm about to go to your threads in just a second.

So, my WH. Our background real quick: we were raised strict Christians. So we never really did party. That is an issue now, too, because we both have "turned away" from the faith and he wonders if now is his time to party. (He also got more resentful of his mom when we started losing our religion.)

His stories are from his travels. He, as a missionary kid, traveled all the time. So some of the story-telling is just the crazy stuff that happens when you're in a new culture.

He insisted when he left that I wanted to live in a suburb, stop traveling, and be "boring". It really didn't matter what I said, I was June Cleaver in his mind!

So it will be interesting to see if he can be around the baby and have a crazy story to tell (I don't know, her poo all over the walls or something!).