Hey guys! Yesterday was nice. I spent the day at church and then went to visit my mom. In the middle of all of that was laundry and grocery shopping. All in all it was a nice day capped off by dinner out with Marc and Gabe. It felt like family time and that was so nice.
Nothing new or exciting going on. I'm still trying to figure out what I want and that is no easy thing for me to do. I focus too much on doing what is good for others without considering how it will effect me and I know that is horrible for me but it's a lifelong habit I'm still trying to break. I'll get there.
Wii - I don't believe Gabe will ever willingly sit down and talk to me about his feelings or the A. That doesn't stop me from wishing it though. Not so much about the A, the haunting images from that is mine to deal with, but more about how he is feeling now. What his expectations are. Is that unreasonable? He won't sit down and do this on his own, but he tends to follow me so if I talk to him about my feelings there is a possibility he may reciprocate. I don't have the guts to do it though.
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Does he do anything for you?
All the time. He did that all through our M too but then turned around and told me that I treated him like a piece of furniture and an errand boy. I did used to ask him to do small things for me but nothing outrageous and only when I didn't have the time to do it myself and I knew he had some free time. Was that wrong? That's something I'm confused about. I don't ask him to do anything for me unless I'm out of options and then when I do ask I feel like it's weak and pathetic. For example, today I left some papers laying on the table in the living room that I neede for work today. I asked him if he would mind dropping them by my office on the way to work (he passes here on his way). He did it, no problem, but I felt like I was being extremely needy in asking him. That is my problem, not his, it's my perception of what he must think of me for needing his help. It's more like a gut reaction, not true belief.
OT - I make every effort to be who I have become over the last few years and not fall back into past patterns. It's difficult but I know it's what is necessary for me to feel better about myself. You are right, I probably do lie to myself about what he thinks about me, what he does or doesn't feel, and even what I feel and want. Why? That's the million dollar question but I feel like I'm closing in on it. It feels like if I admit to myself (let alone anyone else) that I love Gabe and would like to try to build a new R with him that I am accepting mediocrity and disappointing myself and my family and friends. Now, everyone has to start somewhere and mediocre has potential for growth. Does that make sense? It does in my twisted little brain but I don't know if it's coming out right.
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Regarding the martyr crap, I can't even bear comment on it.
I guess I'm not sure where I'm coming off sounding like I'm having a martyr complex right now. I'm working hard not to slip into that. I own what I'm doing, I'm not saying he is the cause of these emotions. I know I brought it all on myself and now I have to deal with it. That's what I'm trying to do.
There was a dream I had the other night that has stuck with me and the more I think about it, it seems to be the way I view myself and my R with Gabe.
I was a vase (yes, a vase..you know, aren't we all innanimate objects in our dreams? LOL Not usually.) and I was sitting on the mantle in the living room. Gabe came in a picked me up off the mantle and put me in with the garage sale stuff. I was old and no longer useful to him but not chipped or broken so I could be sold. The garage sale came and went and no one bought me so I was left in a box in the garage. Gabe bought a new vase and put it in my place. He was in the garage one day and pulled me out of the dark box and carried me inside. I was put on a table by the couch instead of in the place of honor on the mantle. I noticed that the new vase wasn't there either but he didn't metion what happened to it. He would pick me up, put flowers in me, say nice things about the way I looked and was generally happy with the way the flowers looked in the water I held for them. He grew tired of me again though and put me back in the garage sale box and bought another vase.
It seems to show me what I feel he thinks of me. I don't KNOW what he thinks or feels toward me so I assume things. I feel like I am easily replaceable in his life by whoever takes his fancy. Like the vase, I was old and boring and replaced by something new but when something went wrong with the new one, old faithful was pulled out of the box and is a good placeholder until he finds something new again.
None of these feelings are because of anything he is doing. I am in no way blaming him for my feelings but I do think that my not being able to voice my feelings to him is causing me to spin around like this.
Martyr? NO! Absolutely not! I own this mess and it's up to me to fix it. I'm just too scared to.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I do want to comment on "mediocrity" so to speak. First of all, why do you think you are disappointing yourself? Because you want to try again?
Second, this relationship or whatever it is right now is between you and Gabe, not you and Gabe and your family and friends. In this situation, only you need to be comfortable with your decision.
That being said, if YOU are not comfortable with your decision, then why aren't you? And, what can you do to change it?
(((BIG HUG)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Certainly you can wish but if your wishing becomes something that eats away at you then it's not a good wish! If it's just a matter of formulating the right words, then take your time and find them, no rush! I was suggesting you look for other ways of judging whether he's for real or not because verbal communication is not the only way to send signals. In fact, often verbal communication can be a poor way, if one party is not a great verbal communicator. I was thinking that if he does things for you, without you asking, that's a good sign.
I'm reading along, but you've moved into an area that I just don't seem to have a lot of coherent thoughts about!
All I can say is that I think slow is good. I do think that you have a chance, if it's what you want. I don't know if pride will ever let Gabe verbalize his regret for what he's done. But his actions may do the talking for him, over time.
While you are thinking that over, think about what you can control - you.
You can't control Gabe. You can't control where/what this develops into. Only what it doesn't.
You can put a stop to it at any time.
You can see where it goes til then. Keeping in mind you have control over you, your reactions, and your actions. Gabe may or may not be able to give you what you need. There's one way to find out - give it time and see what develops. Apply the DB principles to try and create a fulfilling R that may develop into something committed.
But you always get veto power.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
People can change, and they do. I mean, Gabe changed. If he can actually admit to himself, and to you, what he's done, maybe he can be a better person than he ever was.
I'm not saying that it is going to happen. I'm just saying that I don't believe it is impossible. If you want to give it a chance, I say what the heck!
Well then you can call me stupid too mish bc if Dan came back one day and wanted to try again I might let him...I think esp when there are children involved there is often a gut level wish that you could someday give them back that family unit. Plus there is a comfort level in someone you have known for years...
