embracing change

[newmama]

I guess what bothers me is that H seems to be the one with "special needs". Sometimes he is truly over-reactive.

LMAO!

You know, imagine if you were going through the day today a couple of months ago before you were detached! Wouldn't it have been harder? Detachment seems to be such a valuable "attitude" to have because it does protect us from pain, and lets us see the WAS as they are, not taking what they do so personally! Don't you think?

Anyway, I hope you are able to relax this evening!

[ImprovedRomeo]

guess what bothers me is that H seems to be the one with "special needs".

Quote of the day! I'm glad I wasn't the only one that found it amusing!!

I can kinda relate to the out-of-control energy...I used to be like that where if I felt I couldn't get a situation under control I was going to explode. Of course, over the years I've become a lot more calm and even when DD pushes my buttons with her fake crying and then turning it into a real crying session which keeps getting louder and louder I can still manage the situation without any drama. Sure I still feel the frustration inside but I know that my exploding is only going to make it worse and not better and I'm the adult here.

Sorry you had a somewhat rough day but I think overall you did excellent and I wouldn't be too concerned about your H at this point.

[flowmom]

Last night:

Thank you for organizing the picnic today and also allowing me to divide and conquer the kids, taking her off to XXX Island

And it occurs to me that I should have acknowledged mother's day for you. So, happy belated Mother's Day

[signed with initials only}

I almost have to laugh at how stingy his "thanks" and "acknowledgement" is. I think he is all about trying to "do the right thing" but he is unable or unwilling to have any authentic interactions with me (possibly to make 100% sure that he is not giving me any mixed messages).

[flowmom]

You know, imagine if you were going through the day today a couple of months ago before you were detached!

Unfortunately I don't have to imagine...I was going through stuff like that all the time

Detachment seems to be such a valuable "attitude" to have because it does protect us from pain, and lets us see the WAS as they are, not taking what they do so personally! Don't you think?

Absolutely.

[flowmom]

Sigh. I'm feeling discouraged about even having a positive coparenting R at this point. I feel like I will have to do all the work to make that possible and I'm just so sick of everything having to come from me.

I'm feeling a mixture of empathy and repulsion towards H right now.

In terms of working on things with him, I want to focus on increasing MY comfort in our interactions. Detachment definitely helps with that.

[courageous wife]

(((FM))) You always seem to be able to put into words what I am also feeling! I think you are doing very well with detachment!!!

[alice444]

Sigh. I'm feeling discouraged about even having a positive coparenting R at this point. I feel like I will have to do all the work to make that possible and I'm just so sick of everything having to come from me.

I'm feeling a mixture of empathy and repulsion towards H right now.

FM- I think this is totally understandable, given his actions and attitude. What happened to the plan of seeing the C about S6 and co-parenting special needs? I still think that might help- I know with my H, if I say something or have an opinion about childcare, it usu falls on deaf ears. However, if an 'expert' says it, it has more of a chance of getting through. And not just for SN, but for general childcare issues- maybe it would help to have a few sessions.

I think most of us LBS feel like we are doing the majority of work- on ourselves, for the kids, etc., and the WAS are getting off scot-free. It's hard to see now, but I think we're going to come out of this better than they are- better R's with our kids (tho that's sad- we want them to be cared for by both parents), more confidence and better self-knowledge and -care. Right now it just feels like a lot of work, though!

I think you're going great- and that it was a huge milestone to have that family get together, regardless of the outcome. YOU handled it. H not being able to handle it just gives you a nugget of knowledge to file away. Eventually you can decide whether you want more of these outings or not.


(((FM)))

[ImprovedRomeo]

I agree with what Alice said (if I don't she'll kick my butt! lol)

No seriously, listen to her and don't feel discouraged. Keep some hope alive. As a father I looked to my W for most those types of things to be put in place first. I'd help out financially or when she asked for a specific thing to be done. We're like computers, give us a running list of things and we'll do them. For me it was like the birds building a nest, once it starts to take shape I'd jumped in to help out and reciprocate. So while the initial work might fall on your shoulders once thing settle down into a routine I'm sure he'll help with it.

You know him better than anyone else and while his head is in a different place right now do you feel that his core values are fundamentally flawed? I would have a tough time believing that only because you of all people wouldn't be with someone like that for so long. So keep the hope alive, give it some time, it'll be OK.

(((HotFlowMom)))

[flowmom]

D4's birthday party is on Sunday. H said that he would attend. I'm thinking of sending this email:

Hi H,

For D4's sake, I'd appreciate it if you can figure out whether you can come to her birthday party with a smile on your face. If not, I hope you'll consider skipping it.

Flowmom

[newmama]

well that sure is tempting! But it sounds "smart a$$" like. Are you feeling like you want to argue with him or pick a fight?