still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

Bravo...I survived the drop off! Seriously it was haaaaarrrrrd!
Ok so he ended up dropping S off after swimming. I made sure to have S' lunch ready so that I could immediately start feeding him.

WH was chatting with me about a new stroller he got, about how he did at swimming, about lowering his crib and how it will convert to a bed....as he was talking to me, I was feeding Carter so I occasionally looked up at him but just said "oh" or "mmm hmmm" or "that's a good idea." "yeah I should do that!"

So WH went upstairs to work on the crib. S was doing some pretty great things while I was feeding him because I gave him his own spoon so he was putting it in his mouth, the scooper part upside down, and then he "pretended" to put it in the bowl! I don't know if he really thought he got some of the cereal but he put the spoon in the bowl (dipped but didn't get any cereal) and then brought the spoon to his mouth!

I totally would have shouted for WH to come and look or would have started using a video camera or something but instead I just kept it to myself.

Then S also has learned how to position the sippy cup on his tray before lifting it to his mouth so that he gets the spout in the right spot so that the water tips back- you see he used to just pick up the cup, put the spout in his mouth, but sometimes the cup would be backwards if that make any sense! Now he has learned how to plan it out, you know? lol! I know you moms understand how exciting this small stuff is!


Ok so anyway WH comes back downstairs and asks me to go up and check it out (he always does this for some reason). We put S in it and he likes it. By the way, S (sadly) TOTALLY LIGHTS UP when WH and I are next to each other and one of us has him. Seriously- he looks at me, then at WH and smiles real big. I guess his two favorite people are with him so it makes him happy.

I tell WH that it looks good and he starts talking about how S went to bed early last night instead of later. I tell him "yeah, well I noticed his sleep is a little messed up. This is hard on him, you know? He wakes up early no matter what time he goes to bed, then takes an early morning nap and a super long afternoon nap."

Now I wasn't planning on talking about the negative aspects of this situation and I was so worried that by me saying that, WH would say "well it doesn't have to be like this" and then I would lose my cool and GO OFF on him!! But luckily, I could tell he was bothered by what I said because he sighed and made this noise he does when he is uncomfortable or annoyed like "mrrrmmm" But I didn't say anything more and neither did he. I just said it matter of fact like, not snotty or anything.

When I went back downstairs I went straight to chopping veggies and WH tried to make some more conversation and I limited my responses (just like my plan!)and suppressed my usual enthusiasm. Now, I did talk to him a little, but it totally felt like "polite" conversation! "small talk" which is acceptable! If I only said "yes. no. mmm hmm." then he would think "she is upset!" and most likely would then try to talk to me about it. But I just want him to tell that I am not kissing his butt anymore. And I want him to be bothered by that!

He said "well do you need anything else?" (like I asked him to lower the crib mattress?) And I said no. I just kept chopping, S was playing on the kitchen floor. I think WH could get the hint that it was time for him to go! So he said "ok see you guys later!" and I picked up S to say goodbye to daddy and then said "see you later!"

PHEW! Now the truth is that when he was talking to me all excited about S and bringing up very desirable topics of conversation I TOTALLY FELT THE PULL where I was drawn to him! I FELT the rope pulling ME! But I stayed put and "dug my heels in" so to speak. I resisted the pull and forced myself to think

"This may feel like it is hurting WH's feelings. It may feel uncomfortable because you really want to talk to him. But he has told you that he wants a divorce. He doesn't really want one! The only way you can help him is by changing the dynamic so that he is pursuing you. It may feel hard but this is the right thing to do- it is the last resort. The one thing you haven't done yet. He will thank you later for being distant now!"

I felt very good, WN, before he came over and after I revised the goals, but REALLY GOOD after I responded the way I planned. And proud of myself for sticking to it!

Luckily I didn't have to deal with any paperwork or any negative response from him about having to leave.

Maybe it's not over? No- IT's not over. I will draw him back to me and away from her.

but try to stop planning for the worst. You can attract that too! You know you will be fine, whatever he does!

Yes, I do know this possibility- which is why I don't dwell on it too much. What is good I think is that in my mind, I can totally picture us together with S, and my body and soul is not seeing the future without him in it. I do have a question about the bedroom. Right now "our room" is "my room." Is that ok? I think of it not as predicting the outcome, but just reflecting the present. In my mind, seriously, I think of it as the temporary present!