This happened 6 years ago and my psychiatrist at the time told me to stop snooping in his stuff because it just causes me pain. So I did that for awhile and everything was fine, but then i get suspicious or just curious and so I will look on his phone and I usually end up finding him talking to a girl . nothing sexual . but he gets really defensive when i just ask nicely who is "so and so". He will grab his phone and delete the message and show me the phone in a couple seconds and say look there is nothing here. Making me feel like an idiot, like I made up what I saw.
I have no proof of physical infidelity because i dont know how to get it. and i am too scared to follow him, because deep down i am scared to know for sure.
They arent necessarily deal breakers for me but they have made me so insecure it makes our relationship even worse because i always think he is doing bad things to me. So it is like we are in this vicious cycle...me finding him talking to another girl...him getting defensive and denying everything even the message after i read it...me feeling depressed and angry.
I am trying to do things constantly.... I go to the gym with my daughter and let her play in the kids club...if i dont go to the gym i take her to the park...i scheduled some live music shows to go to.
I think what makes this even harder is that we recently moved to a new city... i was a senior at San Diego State UNiversity and i had to quit because he wanted to move closer to his parents because they gave him money to open a skateboard shop. We are living in his hometown so he is surrounded by all of his old friends.
I am continuing school, but since i had to change schools i now have to be in school for 3 extra semesters, ontop of the two I had to finish at my old school.
I feel like i dropped everything I was doing because he wanted me to move with him. I even asked him....should we just take a break so I can stay in San Diego And finish school and he said no and now 6 months later he doesnt want to be with me.
The only thing that is working in my favor are his parents. They are totally supportive of me and want me to live with them until i'm done with school and can get on my feet. They want him to move out, but he hasnt left yet because he says he has nowhere to go . So i have to see him every night which is a lot harder on my mind.
I think he is using me for my computer because i bought a mac book pro with a lot of expensive programs because i am going to school for computer design. and he cant afford a new one.
i am trying to keep my mind focused. i really am. but it is so hard.
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
I know you are still waiting for your copy of the divorce remedy book to arrive. When it does, do NOT show it to your husband. It's for you alone.
I just wanted to reiterate what Awoken said. Ten years ago, stupid me bought two copies (DBing book)as soon as I heard of the book. On the way home I dropped a copy off where my wife was staying, hustled home . . .and saw Where we are NOT supposed to do that, at all . . . .Oh crap.
As for how ya deal with the thought of your husband being with someone else. No good answer there. It's gut wrenching and it stays that way for a long time. If it's the case. ya don't know for sure, so kinda hang on that as long as you can.
I found out in a pretty crappy way. I Was walking up to her new house, no curtains yet, and saw her passionately kissing this clown with his hand up her shirt.
Up until then, in the movies when I saw someone vomit because they were so emotional, I thought that was "Hollywood" crap. It isn't. I heaved right then and there . . .probably kept me from doing something too stupid (I did do something stupid of course, but it wasn't as stupid as I might have done if I didn't have Vomit all over myself)
Like these other folks said, gotta work on yourself first. Set some boundaries on the Sex and dating crap . . .nobody can honestly expect you to tolerate that, even if they will try to anyway . . .just in case you'll let them get away with it. DON'T. You're clearly good enough, accept that yourself, then assume, that if you do things as calmly as posible and systematically . . . .you can make him see that you're good enough too. None of it will happen overnight.
I'd say the best thing you can do is simply decide if you want him back if he's been unfaithful. If you do, then it can make it easier to accept. But don't grovel . . .that just invites future cheating if ya'll do patch things up. I'd guess it's probably best to forgive it begrudgingly, don't just accept it cheerfully. On the other hand, ya don't want to throw it in his face every time he doesn't cut the lawn or leaves his socks in the living room (A little humor . . .are ya smiling . . .a little hopefully?) Keep your chin up girl!
Last edited by Bummedout; 05/12/1008:13 PM.
Life may be short, but . . . well . . . it actually IS short, now that I think about it . . . . particularly when compared to planetary formation and stuff.
Thanks for you words, even if i didnt want to hear some of them, but they are good for me. It is so strange because i am a pretty girl, i just lost myself somewhere and I feel like an empty shell after being with someone for 10 years and not knowing if he has been effing someone else the entire time. Everyone notices my changes....old friends and family.... everyone is like what happened to the old angie. i have so much insecurity, anger and sadness stemming from my husband it is killing me.
I understand about the vomiting part......i get so sick to my stomach sometimes i have to throw up...i went grocery shopping with my daughter and we had to rush to the bathroom so i could throwup... the site of food is so disgusting. Everything if flavorless. and i find this so strange because part of me hates him so much but part of me loves him, but i feel like he killed a part of me that made me fun. I have had such a hard time keeping friends because i end up blabbing about my problems, because there are so many they just bubble out of me. And i think it makes them uncomfortable...understandably so.
My old friends and family are so tired of hearing these stories but they stick in there with me. Everyone tells me to leave. I think this is a lot easier for him because he smokes pot all day everyday. And he just recently started selling it. I dont want this kind of life around my daughter.
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
think this is a lot easier for him because he smokes pot all day everyday. And he just recently started selling it. I dont want this kind of life around my daughter.
this detail is going to change the advice you may get from people. I am a father of 3 - i would remove my kids from that enviornment right away.
i know you are in school - are there people that would help you if you left with D?
Gman
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
I have nowhere to go we moved to his parents house and his mom said he would have to leave but now he is denying the fact that he sells pot because i said i dont want him doing that. especially because we have a daughter.
He says if i get an attorney he refuses to sign any papers ... he wants to do our divorce online.
I am 30 and he is 38 he will be 39 in a couple of months. my mom says i can go home but she lives in a different state. and i have school all set up even with a grant. I really want to finish... i'm a senior... i feel like if i have my degree i can get a better job to support my daughter. He doesnt give me money for food or for anything he says he needs it all for his shop. he didnt even buy her a birthday present and asked if we can say the presents i bought were from both of us which would have been fine had he not wanted a separation.
As of now he does nothing to support our daughter except take her to school in the mornings because i have to work. Suddenly the other day he decided he was going to try and spend more time with our D but i think he has something up his sleeves.
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
He says if i say anything about him smoking pot he is going to bring up my past. i have been clean and sober for over 7 years but i had a couple slip ups. But I went to counseling each time and got myself back on track. I can take a drug test and be clean, but i am worried that if they tell him he has to take a drug test he will simply detox himself with that one drink and have a clean test. He doesnt think he has a problem that he should be allowed to smoke pot if he wants to. its just like having a drink
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
If i have sex with my husband everynight and he still feels the need to jerk off and look at porn is this normal for a man. i just dont know. it made me want to stop having sex with him because i dont satisfy him enough.
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
Wow, a whole lot of variables there, Angie. I'd say you need to take it a little easy on your friends and family, maybe "unload" some of it here, on us, as long as nobody gets all sanctimonious on you. If so, either ignore them or toy with them back.
But back to you: Gotta put your foot down about his selling weed, and if he wants to smoke, he needs to keep that crap out in his shop and not do it anywhere near kids. And little kids figure that stuff out well before many adults think they do.
It pretty much sounds like your hubby is kind of a deadbeat, to be honest, and he clearly takes you for granted. It also sounds like you let him walk all over you, even if he isn't "mean" per se. I'd say the man might benefit from a "wake up call." Not hearing his side of the story, I'm hesitant to suggest it, but since clearly you both should be looking to get out of his Mothers house . . . Dang, he's 39 . . . it might not hurt for you to "lead the way" so-to-speak. I'd hate to see you go far away, but if that's all you have, that's all you have. It will make it harder to patch things up, particularly if you start going to school. On the other hand, maybe if you did your divorce busting from reasonably far away, it might be useful to eventually make him come to you if he starts to straighten up and fly right a little as it dawns on him that you aren't kidding. It would also get him away from his "enabling base" his moron friends and possible OW interests and his drug connections, etc.
I'm not sure how that could play out at all, so I won't pretend to. Those are just some "random thoughts" on my part so don't take them too seriously, as far as "advice" goes.
In any case, if ya moved and he did seem to wake up, when he came out there you would have to take pretty much a "zero Tolerance to ANY contact with other women that he wouldn't be comfortable with you being there . . .which with his track record already, would mean the only woman he should talk to are you and his mother for quite some time. Find a text message? No questions, no answers, no "this is the last time, or else" . . . "just get the hell out" until he realizes you are dead serious and not gonna tolerate even little incursions across those boundaries.
As for threatening not to sign the papers if you "lawyer up" . . . tell him to tell that to your attorney. And so what if he brings up your past. What you have on his "present" WAY trumps what he's got on your past if it was that long ago. Even trying that would just tick most Judges off at him. Tell him to feel free to do that, and if he leaves anything out, you'll happily remind him of anything he "forgot" about you. In essence, by doing that, you just dropped "his ammo" right in a bucket of hot, soapy water.
If a drug test is called for, you or your attorney could likely file a motion insisting on a Gas Chromatography Full spectrum analysis drug test. There is NO fooling one of those, in any way, shape or form, and while much pricier than a 'normal' hair,blood, or urine test, they're not so expensive that most courts would find it an unreasonable request.
Okay . . here is where it gets a little sticky . . pardon the pun: Jerking off. Hey, he's a guy. Show me a married man who can still get it up who says he doesn't do that . . . and I'll show you a liar. I suppose it really depends on the environment and the situation. As for Porn, I find porn "ain't for me" and think it's more toxic to a relationship than helpful in the long run, but no doubt some will disagree with me on that point. For me, "my imagination" has better plot lines and higher production values than most porn anyway.
And masturbation has little to do with whether or not you "satisfy" him or not . . .half the time it's just because we men are lazy and have a few free minutes to kill (please laugh at that!) Even if he told you that, it was just to 'hurt' you and simply isn't true.
I think you might really need to "toughen up" a little bit. This doesn't mean start yelling and screaming. Quite the opposite. Calmly and cooly in level tones just make it clear there are some things you simply aren't gonna tolerate anymore. The problem is, don't get "too tight" until you really are ready and willing to enforce them.
Again, let me point out that these are just my "random thoughts" more than advice, even if I did use the term "you should" and such here. Hell, I don't know. I'm a cabinetmaker, not a licensed therapist, so keep that in mind. But HANG IN THERE!
Life may be short, but . . . well . . . it actually IS short, now that I think about it . . . . particularly when compared to planetary formation and stuff.
