W still wants separation, need to DB more

[OfficerInNeed]

I mean when she does finally get it up to move out. Then, let her go. She has to try the world on her own. You do a lot for her. Life on one's own is a struggle. She may decide she had it better before. Then again, she may learn to fly on her own, or she may have some dream man in hiding. Time will tell. Unfortunately, nothing else will.

I am DBing my butt off in hopes that day does not come. She has a strong mind and family backing that she will be just fine on her own. Quite technically she would be moving in with her dad, or living in the apartment right up the stairs form him. At this point I put nothing past her, I use to when this all started thinking "she could never do that" but I learned that she is a changed person.

My intentions were not to "snoop" it just happened. I laid all the nonsense that was going on a little over a month ago to rest, knowing I had to trust her and just let it go if we were to move forward, and then I come across/witness these searches...raised my suspicion.

[MrBond]

"How do I let her go, without avoiding her?"

You do so by emotionally detaching. When you have good interactions with her, really relish in those and make each communication positive and great.

When she's in her down times where she's quiet or mean, give her space.

A good way to describe it is like when you were first interested in her. When you wanted to get her attention, you bumped up the positive interactions and when you saw she was down or angry, you lent her support, but didn't invest yourself personally in them.

I did this with my W who is not living with me and it's helped our communication immensely. It's not an easy task. But you can do it.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Man, Its sounding like once they "blow us out" with the A most of them are looking on the outside for whatever they can get. Not at us for sure.

Also I did not like finding out the WAS starts looking for things the LBS "does wrong".

[OfficerInNeed]

Things just took a turn for the worse again. W came home from the Dr. I did not say anything to her, she started to talk to me. She told me that she would not be coming home from work right away tomorrow due to the presidential visit streets surrounding the airport will be closed.

W was talking to fairly OK and we started to fool around with the dog together.

I posted a "general" message on facebook response to one of those quotes she saved. The response was more like a "remember" post. She doe snot know that I seen the quote. So I guess you can say I foolishly tried to manipulate the sitch. My W copied and pasted the message into email and sent it to herself, then trashed it. She is saving these on to her mobile phone.

My W went to the shower came out and laid in bed, when I walked into the room , W was looking at old family photos again. She then asked where a photo of her went. I told her its on my nightstand. Then I asked if you wanted back into the pile. She told me she did.

I handed my W the photo and said "I took it" and she said "I know you did" and I chuckled and said "no, I mean I snapped that picture" and she took the picture and put it away.

I should not had said anything but I did say "I can't even have a picture?" and she said "NO, and soon everything will be wiped away from memory, it will all be over" and as my DB coach advised me to say, I said "I just want you to be happy" W then said as soon as my father's situation calms done and he gets the place ready I am gone" and once again I said "<W name> I just want for you to be happy"

W said nothing for a moment then said "I have to ask my dad for his lawyers number" and I said nothing, W laid head back down and about 3 min later she said "And I don't know what we are going to do about her" as she pointed to the dog, and I said nothing. A few min later, I got up and walked out the room...

This was the first time in over 3 weeks she verbally said she was still leaving. Communication had improved, I am confused about her actions in that she has been uploading pictures of us to the web and she saved the message I posted on facebook. I guess my action of posting that message was more pursuit that I thought.

I am going to give her much space and not say anything to her unless she initiates the convo.

[TrentC]

I am going to give her much space and not say anything to her unless she initiates the convo.

Sounds like a plan to me.

[TrentC]

I mean when she does finally get it up to move out. Then, let her go. She has to try the world on her own. You do a lot for her. Life on one's own is a struggle. She may decide she had it better before. Then again, she may learn to fly on her own, or she may have some dream man in hiding. Time will tell. Unfortunately, nothing else will.

I think Lotus is right here.

One of the myths of getting divorced is that once the LBS is gone, the WAS's life will magically get "better". It won't.

[OfficerInNeed]

Understood. If W is living in the past and only remembers the bad times or hangs on to those memories that prevent her from seeing how good things are currently then it won't be as hard for her.

I know that it is that much harder to DB once the WAS has moved out, I know I cannot control that decision but I hope to influence her enough not to go.

[CanadianKid]

Well I guess that answers my question about whether she plans to leave still. Sorry that you're at this point in your sitch.

Definately time to detach.

[DaddyLongShanks]

OIN,

See if you can make some positive memories outside of the house. You gotta let her have unbridled fun. If she can equate that with you, then your in there.

[OfficerInNeed]

I have been doing that since the start. We went to concerts, shows, movies, shopping, family gatherings, weddings....

I been there through her fathers GF situation (Still ongoing), giving support to her father and his GF. I been there during her two week long illness plus those days before then where she was not feeling so well.

I made significant changes in my personality and self over the course of three months. Granted I been DBing for only 2 months and with the assistance of a DB coach for nearly 4 weeks.