Introducing myself and describing my situation

[antlers]

Hello fudwoman.

I'm sorry you're here. But under the circumstances, 'here' is a good place to be.

I myself was an angry, resentful, and abusive (emotionally and verbally) man. It had nothing to do with my wife or my children; it was me. I vented my unhappiness on them...the ones who were most dear to me. They suffered. And I paid dearly for it. I've been on this board for a year or more, and I've posted a lot, in detail, about my situation. I wish I had known over the years what I know now.

My advice to you...work on yourself. Period. It can be done...I'm proof of that. I'm no longer angry, resentful, or abusive. The work you admittedly need to do on yourself needs to be done, regardless of how your relationship turns out. You have no control over him...what he says, does, or feels. So don't bother. You do however have complete control over what you say, do, or feel...so exercice the only control that you do have...over 'you'.

The things that you need to do to make you and your life happy and fulfilling in case your marriage doesn't work out are the SAME things that you need to do if you have any hope that your marriage will work out. It's the work that I mentioned above. There are no guarantees that things will work out with your marriage...so have NO expectations. Don't do 'the work' in hopes of saving your marriage. Do 'the work' because it needs to be done...period! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I might mention that the "compassion" that Bridgestone mentioned to you is all important. But you must have compassion for yourself before you can have true compassion for others. It means not only having empathy for the suffering that people are going through or have gone through (including yourself)...but it also means being willing to do something about that suffering! You're not being compassionate to yourself when you are an angry, resentful, and abusive person...much less to anyone else.

Compassion is the lifeblood of families, and you might or might not be able to keep yours together. Take the focus off of your husband, and put the focus on you. Focus on becoming the best fudwoman you can be, the best mother you can be. He might or might not appreciate it...but it's the only hope you have of being happy, regardless of whether or not your relationship works out.

You can't change him or the way he feels about you...so don't bother. Only he can do that. Become a strong and compassionate person. Get rid of the anger. Change the way you think and feel about things. Exercise regularly, and take better care of yourself. Get into better physical shape. It'll make you feel better about yourself.

This is something you need to do...for no other reason other than because it needs to be done. I love the book that Bridgestone referred to you, 'Love Without Hurt', by Stosny. She referred it to me. I used it to become a better person all the way around. You can too.

Sincerily,
antlers