I've moved my sitch from the affair forum to here. After reading a ton on MLC, I'm now convinced that is what my H is going through. I will try to summarize my sitch here, sorry if it gets long:
Sept/09 - Started getting suspicious of one of my H's FB friends and started snooping
Oct/09 - H started detaching from me and the fighting began. He changed all passwords so I could not snoop anymore.
Dec 03 2009 - H moved out and says I kicked him out. I thought it was a mutual agreement. Tried 2 sessions of MC and on 2nd session H tells me he has been miserable for 4 years and wants a D. Me in total shock.
Not to long after that I found this site and read all the books. I tried to do the techniques but always failed. I did all the NOT's: begging, pursing, etc.
Jan/10 - Found more evidence of an A and confronted (see my link below). To this day H still denies it's an A and says they are just friends.
Feb/10 - H decides he wants to work on the M and wants to start with nice texts back and forth daily. That lasts about a week and then someone sent OW family a letter stating they are having an A. I get blamed for the letter (which I had nothing to do with) and H says our M will never work...
March/10 - I have a mental break, and try to OD and end up in the hospital. H moves back home for kids, but won't let me come back when I get out of the hospital. I move in with a friend for a month, while he finds his own apt (he was living with his mom before). I move back in the house at end of April.
April/10 - H wants me to sign D papers before I move back in, and I do. He then says he will wait 3 months to file them. I tell him I don't care what he does with them. And then he starts telling me how he changes his mind every day. So of course I have all this hope again.
May/10 - On mother’s day, I have an emotional moment in front of him and ask him if he wants to start dating, etc. The next couple of hours he explains why we can't and that he feels abandoned by everyone and worst of all me. He needs to find all new friends who don't judge him. And he can't see us ever getting back together without being miserable. Tells me he is no longer going to wait 3 months to file and will file this week.
And then he starts telling me how he changes his mind every day.
This is a good sign. You have to remember though, you can't put much stock into his words. He is all over the place, not acting like the H that you've known. I sense that you are still trying to relate to him like you have in the past. Almost as if you're expecting him to be the way he was.
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May/10 - On mother’s day, I have an emotional moment in front of him and ask him if he wants to start dating, etc. The next couple of hours he explains why we can't and that he feels abandoned by everyone and worst of all me. He needs to find all new friends who don't judge him. And he can't see us ever getting back together without being miserable. Tells me he is no longer going to wait 3 months to file and will file this week.
Any time you make him feel pressured or guilty, these are the answers you will receive.
You need to focus more on you and learn as much as you can about a person in crisis.
trapt, Thank you so much for the advice. My aunt told me that the man I knew and was married to is not there anymore. And that I need to treat it as if he has died and is never coming back
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
trapt, Thank you so much for the advice. My aunt told me that the man I knew and was married to is not there anymore. And that I need to treat it as if he has died and is never coming back
That is actually really great advice...
The person that you married IS out to lunch right now IF he is MLC....
So is the relationship that you once had with him...
Anything in the future would have to be new, not a continuance of the same old....
Do you need the links for the resources? I just put them on Shelbel thread. I can put them here if you need them. Sorry you are here but you need to detach and get away from the madness.
OldPilot - Yes I would like the links. I think you gave me some a few months ago, but I never really went into them like I should have. I think at that time, I was just thinking it was an A and not a MLC.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Don't beat yourself up about a backslide. Just dust yourself off and get back on the path. One forehead slap is all you are allowed!
FYI....for what it is worth...ken on the other board says Infidelity is punishable up to 3 yrs in jail in your state. Have you heard that? I might move!!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
